Sunday, March 30, 2013
The Whistleblower Week in Review
OUR NUMBER ONE BIG SPRING BREAK STORY THIS WEEK was when Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken Camboo said are all of his snitches were still on Spring Break.
- OUR NUMBER TWO BIG SPRING BREAK STORY THIS WEEK was when Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall said, “Usually it’s a sure sign of spring when UK is playing basketball in the NCAA Tournament and UC isn’t,” and Northern Kentucky Legislators said, “We’re not on Spring Break. It always seems that way.”
- AND OUR NUMBER THREE BIG SPRING BREAK STORY THIS WEEK was when Oliver Klozhoff said, “It’s Spring Break in Florida. The temperature’s warm, teenage tramps have gone wild, and thongs are particularly lovely this time of year,” and Larry Laptop said, “Please add Venice, Florida to the list of places The Blower is watching guys who took their wives and teenage children on Spring Break so they can spend all day on the beach ogling young girls’ breasts.”
- MONDAY in our Official “Let’s All Go on Spring Break” E-dition, The Blower was looking for some major yabbos!
Life’s a Beach!
SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA: This year for Spring Break after Punxsutawney Phil totally blew his 2014 Early Spring Forecast everybody had been counting on, so The Blower is working on a list of guys who took their wives and families to the Redneck Riviera, Naples, Destin, or Key Largo, just so they could spend all day on the beach ogling young girls’ breasts. You’ll never guess whose names are already on that list.
We asked an aging attorney acquaintance still searching for his lost youth and vigor why he always goes down to Naples on Spring Break, and he told us, “Because I can.”
[READ MORE HERE]
- TUESDAY in our Special “Political Priorities” E-dition, The Blower said “Obama Follows College Hoops More Than Russian Troops” and our “Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers” included:
Last weekend the 2014 Obamal golf season in Washington got underway, with Obama taking advantage of a break in the global warming-induced cold weather to head out to the links for the first time in the Washington area this year. It was only his 166th Over-taxed Payer Funded Golf Excursion since taking office. —Golf Digest
Thanks to Obama, I’m no longer the worst president in History. —Jimmuh Carter
On last weekend’s anniversary of ObamaCare, we hope you didn’t ask yourself if you were better off than you were four years ago. —Doomed DemocRATS Up For Ere-election
This week at the Ohio Senate Health Committee Meeting, we’re sure they’ll be hearing more about Free Needles for Heroin Addicts. —Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders
Even we would never go so far as to support FREE needles for drug users. —The FREE Grain Party
[READ MORE HERE]
- WEDNESDAY in our Special “Are You Sure It’s Really Spring?”” E-dition, The Blower said “May some Groundhog Stew might warm you up!”
Happy Springtime, Everybody!
This week after Punxsutawney Phil totally blew his 2014 Early Spring Forecast everybody had been counting on, The Blower wonders if the Dissociated Press will once again be reporting (like they did last year) that authorities in still-frigid Ohio have issued an “indictment” of the furry rodent, who predicted an early spring when he didn’t see his shadow after emerging from his western Pennsylvania lair on February 2.
“Punxsutawney Phil did purposely, and with prior calculation and design, cause the people to believe that spring would come early,” Mike Gmoser, the prosecutor in southwestern Ohio’s Butler County, wrote in an official-looking indictment. Gmoser wrote that Punxsutawney Phil is charged with misrepresentation of spring, which constitutes a felony “against the peace and dignity of the state of Ohio.”
Bill Deeley, president of the Punxsutawney club that organizes Groundhog Day, said Phil has a lawyer and would fight any extradition attempt by Ohio authorities. The penalty Phil faces? Gmoser says — tongue firmly in cheek — is death. Punxsutawney Phil does not have a listed phone number.
[READ MORE HERE]
- THURSDAY, in our Special “Amateur Athletics” E-dition, The Blower said, “One Thing You Can Be Sure Of, It’s NOT about the Money!”
March Madness Mishmash
The worst part about March Madness besides all of that endless hype about all those NCAA Men’s Basketball Teams like Motherfucker State you really couldn’t care less about, is the nation’s loss of productivity, because thousands of businesses continue to suffer when millions of employees watch scores on their computers or games on their phones instead of actually working. That wasted productivity costs the U.S. economy billions of dollars.
Each March, tens of millions of brackets are filled out, but the odds that a bracket will be perfect, are only that is, every game guessed correctly, are only 9.2 quintillion to one. Why do you think Warren Buffet knows he’s safe offering $1 billion to anybody who can fill out a perfect 2014 NCAA tournament bracket?
[READ MORE HERE]
- FRIDAY, in our “Just Another Guest Column E-dition, The Blower explained, “But It’s Still the Same Old BS!”
Now Let’s Meet Today’s Guest Editrix:
Why, it’s none other than Former First Lady Laura Bush, whom Hurley the Historian says was always a fine lady, even before she became First Lady, and without flourish or fanfare implemented many worthy initiatives focused on health, education, and literacy while she was in the White House.
That’s why The Blower, which takes pride in supporting gracious gentlewomen we would’ve liked to have gotten to know better, is pleased to select Laura to be this week’s guest editrix and choose three items plus a Quickie for today’s E-dition from our Current Cadre of Conservative Columnists and Contributors, and our Quote for Today Committee chose Laura’s: “Maybe it is the media that has us divided.”
[READ MORE HERE]
- SATURDAY in our Special “Opening Day Hype” E-dition, The Blower said, “It’s Almost Next Year!”
Root-Root-Rooting for the Home Team!
Typical Reds Rooter Farley Fairweather is back. And he is really excited that his beloved Cincinnati Redleg’s magic number is still “162,” Farley is also making some bold predictions for professional baseball’s first team as it begins the 2014 season on Monday’s Opening Day: Johnny Cueto will become major league baseball’s first 30-game winner since Denny McClain did it in 1968 . . . and learn to speak English! Jay Bruce will hit 80 home runs. The boldest prediction? Joey Votto will prove he is worth every penny of the roughly $45,000 he’s paid each and every time he comes to bat!
Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose Ted Williams’ “Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer.”
In a related item, Hurley the Historian says on this date in 33 AD the first baseball game was played between the Bethlehem Braves and the Jerusalem Giants with Harry Carey doing the play by play. Eat your hearts out, Marty and Thom!
[READ MORE HERE]
- SATURDAY in our Annual “Opening Day Hype” E-dition, The Blower said, “Is it the “Next Year” we’ve been waiting for since the Reds lost in the playoffs?”
Opening Day isn’t an official holiday on this year’s calendar, but maybe in Cincinnati it should be, because with all that hype, Monday will probably be one of the most unproductive local work days of the year. Not only that, COAST is probably still collecting signatures to persuade the City to making Opening Day an official holiday. With enough signatures a referendum could be put on the ballot this November.
Hurley the Historian says he remembers when Opening Day used to be really important, because the Reds always hosted Major League Baseball’s first game of the season. Now like everything else, MLB’s Opening Day could be imported from China. So much for “America’s Pastime,” baseball fans!
[READ MORE HERE]
More Peanuts, Crackerjacks, and Belgium Waffles Insight This Weekend
The guys at Police Squad say they knew The Blower had used a dated picture of the Reds in our Annual “Opening Day Hype” e-dition (shown above), because the police officer was wearing a white shirt and hat. That went by the wayside with former 14-Star Cincinnati Police Chief James Craig. But if our art director had supplied us with a picture of what Mediocre American Ball Park actually looked like three days before Opening Game, our great Opening Day Promotion Panorama would’ve looked something like this.
- FECKLESS FISHWRAPPERS: The online version of The Fishwrap keeps looking better and better, but the content is just a vacuous as ever, as Skaggie Maggie’s Minions keep trying to tell us it’s not Baseball, Mom, or Apple Pie that have always made our community great; it’s our “Diversity!”
And did you see that picture on Saturday’s online non-story about Hamilton County Prosecutor “Jaywalking Joe” Deters’ being cleared of politically-motivated charges made by Hamilton County Demo-Labor Party Boss Tim Burka that the “Old JayWalker” had voted in the wrong polling place? The Blower’s surprised Kimball Perry’s headline didn’t read “Deters dodges indictment one more time.” [READ MORE HERE]
Pardon us for sounding the least bit cynical, but it sounds to us as if somebody wanted to smear the prosecutor by mentioning his divorce in the newspaper one more time.
And when Kimball quoted Deters as saying, “This was simply a political stunt by Tim Burka…It was an incredible waste of time and money,” why didn’t Kimball’s editor tell his reporter (Kimball) to get on the stock and find out just how much over-taxed payers’ money that special prosecutor and investigators wasted.
Hopefully, our long local nightmare will finally be over.
And let’s face it, our Demo-Labor Party Boss has been doing such a good job of telling the truth lately, we thought he’d actually be opposing Chris Finney when COAST’s Avaricious Attorney argues for an elected official’s “Right to Lie” before the U.S. Supreme Court next month.
For example, when Susannah “Princess Crazypants” Meyer withdrew from the Hamilton County Juvenile Court Judge race against John Williams, Burka explained why he was opposed to her withdrawal. It was because she was unopposed in the primary, and if she won the primary and then withdrew, Burka could replace her with another candidate. If she withdrew before the primary, he couldn’t replace her on the ballot.
And when The Fishwrap published Jeff Swinger’s photograph showing Sharpton hugging Melowese Richardson, the Dishonest DemocRAT Hamilton County Poll Worker who recently got an early release from the slammer after being sentenced to five years for Voter Fraud when she used her position as a poll worker to vote for Obama more than once in the 2012 presidential election, Burka said, “I am very glad the county prosecutor and judge reconsidered and got her out of jail, but she is not a hero…What she did was criminal conduct and was particularly problematic because of her role as a poll worker.”
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date on this date in 1981, President Ronald Reagan was shot in the chest outside a Washington, D.C. hotel by a deranged drifter named John Hinckley Jr.- THAT’S WHY OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose Reagan’s quip after the assassination attempt, as he was moved to the operating table. Reagan said to the doctors, “Please tell me you’re all Republicans.” Dr. Joseph Giordano, a DemocrRAT, replied, “We’re all Republicans today.”
- THE LATEST POLLS: Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen says “Just 24% think economy will be stronger in a year.” That’s a new low, Obama fans!
BLOWER BRACKETOLOGY: Whistleblower Legal Dream Team spokesman Scott Greenwood e-mailed us on Friday from Columbia (not the Tree City USA Township in Hamilton County, and not the state capital and largest city in the State of South Carolina), but our ACLU Mouthpiece said he didn’t fill out a perfect bracket for Thursday’s Whistleblower because he was too busy teaching the Colombian national police about protecting human rights and reducing killings of police officers in Bogota (which is the capital of Columbia, a country in South America for all you Failed Cincinnati Public Schools Graduates).- FREE NEEDLES UPDATE: At last week’s Ohio Senate Health Committee Meeting, did it sound as if leadership in Columbus is supportive of providing free needles so illegal drug addict a can overdose in ever greater numbers?
- NASTY NAME-CALLING: Ohio TEA Party Guy Tom Zawistowski called former RINO Congressman Steve LaTourette a “carpetbagger” in response to a news story after LaTourette admitted that his Union financed Main Street Partners is funding the Dave Joyce re-election campaign for Congress. LaTourette also called challenger Matt Lynch “crazy” and the hundreds of citizens who attended a FreedomWords rally to endorse Matt Lynch “crazy people.”
- WHISTLEBLOWER GOSSIP COLUMNIST LINDA LIBEL was eavesdropping at a recent Young Professional-type function. A group of marketing managers were discussing how easy it is to get something on FOX19’s morning program. “I thought that it was a no-no for journalists to accept freebies,” one junior executive said. That statement was met with raucous laughter.
REPUBLICANS FOR HIGHER TAXES applaud Crystal Faulkner for donating $500 to liberal DemocRAT Chris Squealback. Crystal is shockingly running for the Republican State Central Committee, apparently so she can persuade the Republican Party to pursue her agenda of electing DemocRATS and implementing liberal policies.- GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN: Disgraced Former Cincinnati City Mangler Dough Boy Honey got a new job as Assistant City Manager in Phoenix. Better not take your jacket off and show you sweat rings Doughboy! It’s hotter than Hell in Phoenix, even with that no-humidity thing going!
- IN CINCINNATI: Stupid Streetcar fans began celebrating this week when construction of the Trolley Folly reached an important “Milestone” (an entire mile of track has been placed in Cincinnati roadways for the system). Unfortunately, it’ll be a “Millstone” around over-taxed payers’ necks until those tracks are dug up.
Also, Cincinnati’s Diminutive DemocRAT Mayor John Cranley says he’s planning a new immigration initiative to attract more people and money from outside the United States. The Blower says that it would all depend on how much money those foreigners bring.
IN ANDERSON: TEA Party Patriots warn that the Ohio RINO Party enunciates NO PLATFORM. Visiting the website, the ORP asks for your time, effort and money, but nowhere does it disclose its platform or statement of beliefs. Without a concise statement of beliefs, principles, or values, such an organization as the ORP is like a rudderless sailboat adrift on the sea. One would logically conclude that an endorsement by the ORP of any candidate is totally meaningless, as would likely be if anyone tried to make the case not to fire Peter $tautberg (the best State Rep-Tile Money Can Buy).
Also in Anderson Area Chamber of Commerce including Mt. Washington, Newtown, and West Clermont) everybody was really surprised not to be on the list of the Top 10 Places to live in OHIO like Wickliffe, wherever the hell that is. Executive Director Eric Miller says, “Don’t we have more Mexican restaurants per capita, tire and oil change locations, and a bustling shopping mall? Just wait till the New River Downs opens and we will hit the big time!
SOREHEADS IN THE SUBURBS: Wednesday night, the Sycamoron Township Republican Club held a Republican Primary debate for the 28th District. Were we there to cover it? You bet.
Though there are three candidates on the GOP ballot, there were actually FOUR debate participants – conservative Jonathan Dever, pro-abortionist Angel Clark, Tax Hikin’ Rick Bryan, and Rick Bryan’s alter-ego trying to pose as a conservative. You could have held a full debate between the real Rick Bryan and the one impersonating a conservative.
Rick Bryan, the 2011 Tax Hiker of the Year, portrayed himself as a conservative who wants to lower our taxes. This is the same guy who’s spent 20 years raising them. Rick raised Blue Ash’s Earnings Tax by 25%, endorsed the Hamilton County Jail Tax Scam in 2007, helped fund the Cincinnati Trolly Folly, and even cited Bob Bengalhaus’ work on the stadiums as a reason to re-elect him. Nobody is buying his born-again conservative act.
Angel Clark was no angel, unless you think the angels are pro-abortion and support gay unions. But she’s a non-factor in the race anyways, so it doesn’t really matter what she thinks. As for Jonathan Dever, he was the most convincing candidate in demonstrating that he holds conservative values and isn’t a tool of the Republican establishment. Though he also needs to stop talking like a law professor and spend more time discussing his own ideas.
DUMBED-DOWN DEMOCRATS: Last weekend, Obsessive Obama Supporters Tom and Rose ordered their FREE “Not a Republican” Car Magnet, and it only cost them another $10 donation. Tuesday, Amy K. Dacey, Chief Executive Officer, DemocRAT National Committee said to get your support for DemocRATS on record with a $10 donation, so Tom and Rose sent in another $10 donation. Wednesday, the DemocRAT National Committee said they needed 97 more dumbed-down donors in Cincinnati to make a $10 donation to win back the House in 2014, so Tom and Rose sent in another $10 donation. Thursday, the DemocRAT National Committee said they needed 89 more dumbed-down donors in Cincinnati to make a $10 donation before this month’s deadline, so Tom and Rose sent in another $10 donation. Friday, the DemocRAT National Committee said they only needed 76 more dumbed down donors in Cincinnati before their quarterly fundraising deadline, so Tom and Rose sent in another $10 donation. Saturday, Jordan Kaplan, Finance Director of the DemocRAT National Committee said they only needed another 183 people to make a $10 donation because he was coming up on what he claimed was the first major fundraising deadline of 2014, so Tom and Rose sent in another $10 donation. Tom and Rose must be the two stupidest white people on the face of the Earth.
IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY: Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says Alison Wondergams Grimes’ Grandma Elsie asked supporters to contribute $5 or more today because they were only 124 new online donors away from hitting our critical goal by midnight on March 31. Do you think Tom and Rose have any dumbed-down relatives in Kentucky?
BLUEGRASS BLOWBACK: U.S. Senator Rand Paul has officially endorsed Senator Bitch McConnell in the hotly-contested May 20 GOP primary for U.S. Senate in Kentucky.
Considering what some call a questionable endorsement by Senator Rand Paul coupled with his almost certain presidential aspirations, are you MORE or LESS likely to support Rand Paul if he runs for President?
APRIL FOOL’S EVENTS: Disgraced DemocRAT Former President Jimmy Carter (the Second Worst President in History) may be scheduled to be at the Joseph-Beth Bisexual Bookstore in Norwood on April 1 for a book-signing event, but the Hamilton County RINO Party is also planning a fundraising Party Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP is calling his 2014 Judicial Salute, whatever the hell that is, on the same date. The Greater Cincinnati Gay and Lesbian Film Commission will be celebrating that Lezzie Love Story being filmed at Maury’s Tiny Cove in Cheviot. And an even stupider occurrence will also begin on April 1 this year. That’s when all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Voters Who Put Obama In The White House—Twice, will be able to stand in line for hours outside the Board of Elections instead of slapping a 49-cent stamp (or however much postage the instructions tell you to put on the envelope) to mail in their absentee ballots. 
LIBERAL LUNACY: In Human Events’ “365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy,” #91 says you should turn up at your local Muslim outreach program by wearing an “I’d rather be Waterboarding” t-shirt.
LATE NIGHT TV JOKEWATCHER liked Seth Meyers’ “Pope Francis and President Obama met for the first time today and prayed together. Said Obama: ‘Lord, please help me accept the things I cannot change, which is everything.’ ”
SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL: Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible who learned to hate taxes at an early age. [READ MORE HERE]
IN LAST WEEK’S COLUMN FROM PATRONAGE COUNTY TITLED “OPENING DAY JITTERS,” we learned what happened when Commissioner Swindle asked if he could throw out the first pitch at the Reds’ Opening Day. This op-ed column first appeared in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols on April 8, 1981, and has been updated with current references to fit the situation today.
THE FREE GRAIN PARTY still stands as the last refuge of anyone willing to help himself from the stores of others.
This includes all DemocRATS, RINO Republicans, some TEA Partiers, quite a few Independents, disgruntled postal workers, senior citizens demanding free prescriptions, those who believe bigger government is the answer to all their problems, everybody who said “what Bill Clinton did was indefensible, but he shouldn’t be removed from office,” and those who think pork-barrel spending is OK as long as their district gets the money.
NOW HERE’S THE LATEST FROM BUNKY TADWELL (OUR ODIOUS OCTEGENARIAN), THE BARD OF CLEVES: Just in time to Just in time to enjoy the 2012 baseball season, we found this in his “American Pastimes,” sold in better bookstores everywhere, except in Cleves.
“A Field of Dreams”
Opening Days has finally arrived
It was fun for one and all.
Especially for all the boys
If the girlies would just play ball.
FINALLY, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA: Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane if it was hard to believe that Women’s History Month is almost over, since so far The Whistleblower has only been able to mention a smidgen of the worthy women we had wished to honor, including all those floozies Jerry Springer would still like to boink, Black Women Victims about to be evicted, Left-handed Lithuanian Lesbians, and young girls with Major Yabbos on Florida beaches during Spring Break. “We’ve always treated women fairly in The Blower,” Kane explained “Some of our best Snitches are Bitches.”
AND COMING UP IN “THE WEEK THAT WILL BE”:
Monday (March 31) the Reds’ Opening Day marks one of the least productive days of the year for the entire Tri-State Area, as well as continuing to count down the 1,027 unproductive days for the rest of the nation remaining during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, unless the First Black President in History is impeached.- Tuesday (April 1) we’ll be April Fools Day, and we’ll see what our Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers have to say about that.
- Wednesday, (April 2) we’ll be checking in to see how long it’ll be before “Tax Freedom Day” arrives, when the nation as a whole has earned enough money to pay off its total tax bill for the year.
- Thursday (April 3) we’re scheduled to have our taxes done, just so we can find out how much of our hard-earned money will be confiscated by the IRS on April 15 so Obama and our Crooks in Congress could just piss it away.
- The first line of Friday’s (April 4) limerick is: “There once was an Old April Fool.”
- And Saturday (April 5), we’ll be trying to figure out if the Reds have been eliminated yet this year.
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Tim Burka.
The Libtard Show With Dixon Diaz
WEEK IN REVIEW HOT LINE
e-mail your revolutionary recaps today
Some political score-keeping items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally political score-keeping subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.
Whistleblower Video of the Day
Liberals Explain Barack Obama
(Sent in by Women’s History Month Faux Facebook Friend Amy Burke [753 Friends, 58 Mutual Friends], Who Claims To Be A Grassroots Constitutional Conservative, Whatever the Hell That Is)
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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