Friday, March 21, 2014
Still Waiting For Late Night Comedians to Make Missing Airliner Jokes
For nearly the past two weeks we’ve all been playing “Where in the World Is Malaysian Flight 370,” as the mystery surrounding the fate of that missing jetliner continues to intensify with each passing day.
Whistleblower Film Critic Ebert Maltin said it was as if we’re living inside the plot of one of those old James Bond movies.
On Wednesday, Obama said solving the mystery of the missing Malaysia Flight 370 mystery was a “top priority,” just like finding the murderers of the Americans at Benghazi, chemical weapons in Syria, and the folks at the IRS responsible for targeting TEA Party Patriots during his 2012 Re-election Campaign.
The Blower thinks the only way you’ll know Obama’s really serious would be for Obama’s Attorney General Eric Holder to direct the FBI to assign Mulder and Sculley of “X-Files” fame to find out what happened?
Now Let’s Meet Today’s Guest Editrix:
Why, it’s none other than American aviation pioneer Amelia Earhart, whom Hurley the Historian says, disappeared over the central Pacific Ocean near Howland Island on July 2, 1937 during an attempted around-the-world flight in a Purdue-funded Lockheed Model 10 Electra.
That’s why The Blower, which takes pride in supporting the Fairer Sex during Flying Women’s History Month, is pleased to select Amelia to be this week’s guest aviatrix/ editrix and choose three items plus a Quickie for today’s E-dition from our Current Cadre of Conservative Columnists and Contributors, and our Quote for Today Committee chose Amelia’s: “The most effective way to do it, is to do it.”
NOTE: The Village of Amelia, Ohio in Clermont County was not named for Amelia Earhart. It was named in honor of a well-known and popular tollgate operator on the Ohio Turnpike.
- “MILITARY LEADERSHIP” by Whistleblower War Hero Ollie Hackworth
Kim Jung Un had NO military experience whatsoever before Daddy made him a four-star general. This snot-nosed twerp had never accomplished anything in his life that would even come close to military leadership.
He hadn’t even so much as led a Cub Scout troop, coached a sports team, or commanded a military platoon. So he was made the “Beloved Leader” Of North Korea.
How stupid was that idea?
But wait? I just remember we did the same thing. We took an arrogant bastard community organizer, who had never worn a uniform, and made him Commander-in-Chief. A guy, who had never had a real job, worked on a budget, or led anything more than an ACORN demonstration, and all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Voters Put him in The White House—Twice, making him the “Beloved Leader” of the United States Of America.
Never mind. I’m sorry I brought this up.
- “RAMBLINGS OF A RETIRED MIND” by our Garrilous Geezer
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So, I’m wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans! I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it “Pumping Rust.” I’ve gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers! When people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’ Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for company!’
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, “A Good Doctor!” I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals. As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.
Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then poop on your car. A penny saved is a government oversight. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. He who hesitates is probably right. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.. Did you ever notice: When you put the two words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.” Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth. AMEN
- “RICH PEOPLE SHOULD GET MORE VOTES” by Tom Perkins
Billionaire venture capitalist Tom Perkins has a new idea for voting rights in America: if you have more money, you get more votes. Perkins unveiled his new idea at a forum titled “The War on the 1%” that was held in San Francisco in response to a request for a “60 second answer” for how to change the world.
“The Tom Perkins system is: You don’t get the vote if you don’t pay a dollar in taxes,” Perkins responded. “But what I really think is it should be like a corporation. You pay a million dollars, you get a million votes. Call it Citizens United on steroids, a world in which the 1% can quite literally buy votes, rather than simply using their money to sway voters. Perkins said after the meeting that he was speaking in hyperbole on purpose. ”I intended to be outrageous, and it was,” he said offstage after the forum according to CNN Money.
Perkins specifically referenced the Jeffersonian concept that landowners should be the ones who vote, which has been suggested recently by conservative radio host Bryan Fischer, who advocated in favor of reverting to a system in which only property owners can vote. “You know, back in the day, in the colonial period,” Fischer said, “you had to be a landowner, a property owner to be eligible to vote and I don’t think that’s a bad idea. And the reason is very simple: if somebody owns property in a community, they’re invested in the community. If they’re renters, they’re going to be up and gone; they could leave the next day … [P]eople that are not property owners – it’s like people that pay no taxes, they have no skin in the game. They don’t care about the same things that somebody does who is rooted in the community.”
Tom Perkins’ insensitive 1% comparison
Perkins has become one of the primary defenders of what he believes is a war on the wealthy being waged by progressives. He came under criticism for an article he wrote comparing the treatment of the rich to the Nazi persecution of the Jewish community. He acknowledged at the forum that his language went too far. “You shouldn’t compare anything to the Holocaust, for example, because it’s incomparable,” he said. But Perkins ripped Obama for starting the “demonization of the 1%.” “This whole tone has changed between the last very recent years under this administration I think,” Perkins said.
- AND A QUICKIE by Doctor Strangeglove
Here are the 2,700 pages of the Affordable Care Act condensed into one sentence.
ObamaCare: To insure the uninsured, we first make the insured uninsured, and then make them pay more to be insured again, so the original uninsured can be insured for free.
These items are perfect to forward to all of your Internet Buddies and Facebook Friends with too much time on their hands.
More Proof of Obama’s Leadership in the World
Stories We’re Working On
Mooch Lands In China For Latest Sight-Seeing Vacation- Carney Denies Knowing Questions In Advance
- Ellen Degenerate Tells Obama “Everyone’s Very Grateful” For ObamaCare
- ”March Madness” Most Popular Time To Get Vasectomies
- Standing O For Rand — At Berkeley
- Tamarando Made 3-1 Favorite For Turfway’s Spiral Stakes
- West Chester Trustee Sued For Slander
Whistleblower Web Poll
This week, here’s what the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said was their favorite holiday in March:
(A) Political Backstabbers Day on the Ides of March: 2%
(B) St. Patrick’s Day on March 17: 1%
(C) The arrival of Spring on March 20: 1%
(D) BB&BJ Day: 96%
Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!
Weekly Whistleblower Limerick Contest
BJ Blasphemies
This week, everybody who thinks Catholics really got a break this year because BB&BJ Day didn’t arrive on Friday during Lent, e-mailed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
The winner is Clyde, a Catholic in a Confessional from Campbell County, who says “I can’t see going to Hell for “Beer or Beef,” but I’d spend eternal damnation there for a “BJ.”
Clyde wins a big juicy steak from Outback, a case of Budweiser, and an ample supply of Viagra, just to help him make it through the night. His winning limerick is:
This year on BB&BJ Day
Will you have a two-, three- or four-way?
The standard drive-through menu
Doesn’t include a Hibernian venue
So you might have to settle for going halfway.
This year on BB&BJ Day
It’s the day for which all year I pray.
But if my gift she forgets,
And expresses regrets,
I’ll tell her it’s the one gift for which I’d gladly pay.
This year on BB&BJ Day
When lusty lads look for lassies to play.
But on the rainbow streets of Northside,
Where Phil M. and Ben D. doth hide,
It’s the annual equinox if you’re gay!
Here’s a Dishonorable Mention from “In Russ We Trust” Jackson
At last it’s BB & BJ Day
I’m so happy I don’t know what to say
Should I have a beer AND a BJ?
And how much should I pay?
And can I finish it off with a lay?
No tears, no sadness, no strife
I’ve waited for this all my life
What better could follow?
(Do you think she will swallow?)
And please, pals, do NOT tell my wife.
Bobby Leach says this is really vile-and-disgusting
This year on BB&BJ day
I told my girlfriend I want it my way.
She said “Don’t think you’ll get lucky,
‘Cause I don’t do sucky,
Maybe you can buy some on E-bay.”
This year on BB&BJ Day
I’ll be so happy, what will I say!
I get to eat steak
And all the beer I can take,
But as for the last one, my wife says “NO WAY!”
E Rob Sanders denies he sent this in
This year on BB&BJ Day
I hope a hummer is coming my way!
I’ve waited so long,
Wearing my sexiest thong,
Do you think she might think that I’m gay?
If fellatio is not on the menu,
I’ll search for a different venue.
I can still have a steak,
And a beer, if I get a break,
So the BB part will still come true.
Now here’s a few from the Anderson Laureate (who really got off on this week’s subject):
On Wednesday, it was BB & BJ Day,
I tried to celebrate it the right way.
But I had a fight with my wife
She came at me with a knife,
Need I say there was not any BJ?
So I got me a beer and drank it
I didn’t even have to thank it
My wife gave me grief,
So I ate my corned beef,
And I pulled out my pud to yank it.
She said I reminded her a lot
Of someone who’s a pervert and a sot
And she said “I ain’t lyin’,
You look like Trustee O’Brien!”
And so I spent the night on an old cot.
Next year I’ll try to be wiser
And in a nice way I’ll try to advise her
That men need some kindness
And jerkin’ off leads to blindness
So how ’bout a BJ? Don’t be a miser.
The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“This year on the Reds Opening Day”
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Duffy “Duffy, the Lucky Leprechaun” Beischel.
CELEBRATING WOMEN’S HISTORY MONTH HOT LINE
e-mail your favorite “So this feminist walks into a bar” jokes today.
Some estrogen infused items in today’s Blower were sent in our estrogen infused, Subscribers.
Whistleblower Link of the Day
NCAA Expands March Madness Will Now Include 4,096 Teams
(Sent in by Women’s History Month Faux Facebook Friend Eileen Osborne [4,813 friends, 82 Mutual] who claims to be employed at WXIX-TV)
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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