Saturday, March 8, 2014
It’s Almost Daylight Savings Time, Everybody!
IT’S ALMOST TIME TO SPRING FORWARD: Now where’d we put those damn instructions for changing the time on our new digital watch and the dashboard clock in our cars? Our Quote for Today Committee likes Gary Shandling’s I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was on the night the clocks are set ahead. But actually, as confusing as the reasons for Daylight Savings Time are, you shouldn’t forget Yogi Berra’s scientific explanation: “It gets late earlier out there.”- SPEAKING OF TELLING TIME: Our Campaign Countdown Clockwatcher tells us now there are only 59 more days till the Forrest Gump School District’s Stealth Tax Hike Election, and Greedy Media Ad Salesmen can hardly wait for all those negative commercials to start running.
- OUR LATE NIGHT JOKEWATCHER liked last year when Jay Leno said, “Liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree and think 25-to-life would be appropriate.”
- HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1965, U.S. Marines landed at Da Nang in Vietnam, and “Saskatchewan Willie” Cunningham wasn’t among them.
IT WAS HISTORIC: Francine the Feisty Feminist wonders if The Blower is finally offering equal rights for women, since Friday marked the first time in history a member of the Fair Sex had ever been chosen to be Guest Editrix in our Friday series of Guest Column E-ditions, when Sassy Sarah Palin was selected to be this week’s guest editor and choose three items plus a Quickie for Friday’s E-dition from our Current Cadre of Conservative Columnists and Contributors.- ANOTHER WOMAN HONORED (During Women’s History Month): On Tuesday, The Fishwrap published a puff piece on Liz Rogers and her downtown Cincinnati restaurant, Mahogany, writing, “Mahogany’s owner Liz Rogers financial woes stem from an $80,000 embezzlement by her financial manager.”
If Wedgie Washburn believes that, we’ve got a bridge to sell to her. What’s the name of this financial manager? Why didn’t Rogers mention that whopper when she was whining about the harsh winter, discrimination, passing three bad checks for her rent and so on?
Rogers stated she is pursuing the embezzlement with the police and prosecutor’s office. But Hamilton County prosecutor “Jaywalking Joe” Deters said he had not been contacted about an embezzlement. The Fishwrap wrote that maybe the embezzlement took place at Rogers’ other Mahogany Restaurant in the city of Hamilton, Ohio. The Fishwrap didn’t even bother to check their facts. Mahogany in Hamilton has been closed for a year.
Maybe the dog ate the $80,000. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Blame the dog, Liz.
- HOOPS AND HOS: Word is Cincinnati’s new Police Chief Jeffrey Blackwell’s favorite restaurant is Mahogany. Folks say he’s been seen there many times, although we don’t think he was looking for Liz’s mysterious embezzler. How about the chief’s “new plan” to solve the violence problems with basketball? Wow, that’s a new and innovative idea! In fact, there’s a plethora of evidence that suggests this type of program has been a complete failure for decades, a total waste of time and money. In fact, every time another yoof is shot or murdered we’ll probably being hearing the cry, “if only he coulda been playing hoops wit da chief!”
WHISTLEBLOWER GOSSIP COLUMNIST LINDA LIBEL says just in time for Women’s History Month, they’ve stocked up on “Meow Mix” in the Channel 12 newsroom break room. They are going to need it. Word is Liz Bonis has had her claws specially sharpened in preparation for Sheila Grey’s arrival! - IN COLUMBUS: Media Trackers reports Ohio State Rep-tile Matt Lynch (R-Bainbridge Twp.) is challenging incumbent Congressman Dave Joyce (R-OH 14) for the seat formerly held by Joyce’s friend Steve LaTourette, a lobbyist working to purge conservatives from the Republican Party. LaTourette is the Republican Quisling who along with similarly funded Che$ley bloggers tried to keep “Mean Jean” in Congress. The DemocRAT funded Congresswoman not only voted for every tax increase the legislature considered during her eight years in Columbus, but with the protection of the Corrupt Clermont Cronies and the busybody bloggers was able to misrepresent southern Ohio in Washington for six years. She voted for billions for Cash for Clunkers, to make possession of American made light bulbs illegal, and Federal mandated flush toilets. The list of her big government spending is endless. Fortunately, both of the non-conservatives LaTourette/Schmidt must now do “Stan the Man’s” bidding from the outside were their blogging buddies and Cunningham smears harm true Conservatives less each day…..while TEA Party Patriots replace the charlatans who seek to call themselves Conservatives at every level of the Ohio Republican Party.
NEVER FEAR, OBAMA FANS: All that bitch slapping Obama’s getting from Bad Vlad Putin these days won’t keep our As Yet Unimpeached President from this weekend’s mini-vacation in the Florida Keys. And later this month, it’ll be another Spring Break trip for Michelle and her daughters at Over-Taxed Payers’ Expense. Her mother is going and who wants to bet that there are friends and classmates also going. The Mooch doesn’t travel light!
Not To Be Outdone By Obama, Obama’s Doofus Vice President Joe Biden will be vacationing this weekend In The Virgin Islands for the second time In three months.
ALSO DURING WOMEN’S HISTORY MONTH, Mike DeWhine’s wife, Fran, e-mailed Republicans her new recipe for Llapingachos (Ecuadorian cheese-filled potato pancakes), guaranteed to clog your arteries in three seconds flat. May that’s why the Ohio Attorney General is being treated at The Christ Hospital after fainting during a speaking engagement in Cincinnati.
Meanwhile, down at Hamilton County RINO Headquarters, Party Boss Alex T., Mall COP GOP sent out another time-wasting Twitter asking all his followers to vote for Cincinnati to be the location of the 2016 Republican National Convention. [THIS REALLY OUGHT TO GET THE JOB DONE]
Cincinnati Diminutive DemocRAT Mayor John Cranley claims he’s trying to find common ground in the fight over where Hamilton County’s early voting location should be. But will all those Local Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Voters Who Put Obama In The White House—Twice, be able to get there on the Stupid Streetcar?
Meanwhile, in this week’s Streetcar Progress Update during Women’s History Month, it was a good time to highlight the women who’ve been valued members of the Cincinnati Streetcar Project along every step of the way — from design conception to engineering to the now-daily construction you see in Over-the-Rhine and the Central Business District. We can hardly wait for the Swimsuit Edition!
TODAY’S UNITED APPALL PERSON (During Women’s History Month) is diner waitress Emily Frump, who stops in several times a day at the Carolyn Washburn Drop-Inn Center for Extremely Unattractive Nymphomaniacs, another one of the seemingly endless United Appall Agencies serving some of the area’s more unfortunate citizens. Emily hopes the United Appall meets its fund-raising goal next week so she can continue to meet lonely men and satisfy their insatiable sexual cravings. “I just want to be loved,” says Marlene. “Is there anything wrong with that?”
NO MORE FREE NEEDLES FOR HEROIN USERS: Numerous Elected officials from Hamilton County Municipalities and Townships are very concerned about the lack of limits and the impact of the Illicit Needle Exchange. A letter to Ohio Governor Kasich-Taylor and Hamilton County Commissioners letter from 17 local elected officials in 10 communities says the so-called “solution” of an Illicit Needle Exchange seems to exacerbate the symptoms affecting communities while at the same time sending a powerful pro-drug message to residents.
Our Bard from Cleves was reminiscing about those old ice cream trucks that drove through neighborhoods selling “goodies” to the kids…will the Health Department’s Needle Dispensing Van have an obnoxious sound track as well?
ATTENTION GREATER CINCINNATI AND DAYTON JOURNALISTS: Gather your worst work from 2013 and enter the Greater Cincinnati Society for Unprofessional Journalist Chapter’s 2013 Mark of Excellence Contest. The categories have been radically changed this year reflecting the new media world in which we live. So, get busy. The deadline for entries is MARCH 14, 2014. Good luck!- TERRORIST TRACKER TINO DELGATO says nine Greenpeace activists got past security at Procter & Gamble’s Downtown headquarters. They then hung large protest banners from the “Dolly Parton” towers. They are protesting the use of Palm oil garnered at the expense of rain forests in SE Asia. I wonder how they got off work to do this protest. My guess is they will be sentenced to washing windows on both P&G towers then start on the Great American building. Go Figure!!!
Tino also says it’s a shame the Catholic Church did not have published rules for its child molesting priests. But then The Archdiocese still has the Archbishop “Relief” Fund for the law suits and we now know what that relief was all about all these years. Based on these rules, good Luck finding new teachers.
Not only that, they have now spent $100 million to determine how to replace the Brent Spence Bridge. Toledo put in a brand new beautiful I-280 replacement bridge for $350 million and KEPT the existing bridge for LOCAL traffic. The hits just keep on coming!
THE FOIBLES OF FRED: Several of DemocRAT readers were really surprised to learn that 2014 Ohio First District DemocRAT Congressional Candidate Fred Kundrata is the same Fred Kundrata whose picture appeared in The Blower after he got only 3% of the vote running as a shill against “Bronze Star” Brad Wenstrup in the Ohio Republican Primary in 2012. 
IN ANDERSON (Where that Tire-eating Pothole at Beechmont and Five Mile still hasn’t been repaired): The Forest Hills Urinal continues to try to tear down the Township with its latest scurrilous front page headline trumpeting the big crime wave in Anderson where a couple of dumb-ass ladies got their purses stolen during Women’s History Month because they left those purses in plain sight on front seats of their cars. Since when do two incidents constitute a major crime wave? Next, perhaps The Urinal will report that fictitious Anderson Towne Center Crime Story, when unsuspecting female residents were being raped in broad daylight in the Kroger parking lot. That story appropriately appeared in unsubstantiated Facebook posts that that were not checked out with the Anderson Township Sheriff’s Deputies to make sure there was any truth to the silly stories.
Speaking of silly, did State Rep-tile Peter $tautberg (the best one can buy) tell the guys in the House Caucus in Columbus he will never ever again attend an Anderson Township Republican Club meeting, because the last time he was there, they hurt his feelings by calling him bad names, just because he had voted the way Chippy told him?
- THIS WEEK IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY DURING WOMEN’S HISTORY MONTH, Alison Wondergams Grimes’s campaign just can’t stop whining about how unfair it is that Karl Rove’s Kentucky Super PAC is taking time out from bashing Bitch McConnell’s TEA Party Primary Opponent to say mean and hurtful things about Alison in her ladylike efforts to clean Bitch’s clock this November.
Horny in Hebron says BB&BJ Day on March 20 will be a good way to celebrate Women’s History Month.
Best of all, Cabal of NoKY Lawyers Still Out to Destroy Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters (including the Lisa Wells WLW Fan Club during Women’s History Month) saw observed that “Crazy Eric” was once again suing the Kentucky Bar Association, trying to get his law license back. How successful will this lawsuit be? The Blower wonders if “Crazy Eric” is representing himself to establish one more time Abe Lincoln’s quote “A Lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client.”
- FINALLY, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about how Time Warner is looking for business class customers who want to be in a TV commercials giving testimonials about the wonderfulness of Time Warner Business Class service. “Do you think I have a chance?” Kane asked, especially after all that great free publicity The Blower bestowed on Time Warner Business Class during all those “Temporary Service Interruptions” this winter?
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Warner Cable Business Class Technicians.
Another Improbable Interview by Bunky Tadwell
FINALLY, with everybody really excited to set their clocks ahead tonight, The Blower was trying to understand the logic behind this confusing event, so we sent Bunky Tadwell to interview Professor Homer Schnorer of the Grindle, Indiana Institute of Flora and Fauna.
BT: Just what is Daylight Savings Time?
HS: It is what it is, the saving of daylight and time.
BT: Exactly how is it done?
HS: That was a problem when it was first proposed by Ben Franklin. He needed more time to light his invention, the Franklin Stove and more daylight to check out another one of his inventions, bi-focal glasses.
BT: He was a busy boy.
HS: Not too busy to cast his bread upon Colonial waters, if you know what I mean.
BT: I guess he would use more time but he wouldn’t need more daylight for that.
HS: The problem was…how to store the daylight and time. Spread too much daylight and one couldn’t sleep. And time was what kept everything from happening all at once. Stored in Mason jars and the daylight showed through the glass. And glass jars break too easily. To shorten the story, someone hit on the idea of metal barrels stored under ground.
BT: How’s that working out?
HS: Over the years, we’ve filled up almost all of the available space. And some barrels are leaking. Turns out daylight and time are corrosive. We’ve filled up most of Tasmania, empty land in Australia, all of the U.S., a large portion of Antarctica, Mongolia, and who knows where else.
BT: Sounds serious!
HS: Fortunately, we’ve found a solution…shoot the stuff into outer space. With any luck, the stuff will hit a black hole and disappear…like promises in Washington.
BT: That’s good news!
HS: The bad news is that since Obama shut down the space program, we have to borrow money from the Chinese to pay the Russians to do it for us.
Obviously, Bunky could’ve used that extra hour of rest to work on this Daylight Savings column.
From Cropper’s Crapper
This week, First Lady Mooch told ObamaCare Counselors: “You Are Doing God’s Work”
See more of Edward Cropper’s fine work here.
DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME HOT LINE
e-mail your missing minutes today.
Some time-saving items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally time-saving subscribers, but we could always use a lot more.
Whistleblower Video of the Day
Daylight Savings Time 2014
(Sent in by Women’s History Month Faux Facebook Friend Miss Vicki [811 Friends, 23 Mutual] who once had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Beloved Whistlebower Publisher Charles Foster Kane on ICRC-TV)
PLUS
Spring Forward (Fall Back)_Daylight Saving Time protest song
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