Monday, February 13, 2012
Valentine’s Daze
About this time of year, people who earn their ill-gotten gains in the public relations business are so busy patting themselves on the back that they’re not getting much work done.
After all, if you’d just laid the 2012 Valentine’s Day guilt trip on all those dumbed-down, self-absorbed, media-influenced, celebrity-obsessed, politically-correct uninformed short-attention-span people, you’d be busting your buttons too.
Valentine’s Day used to be just for kids. They just said “To My Valentine.” Every second-grader could buy enough cards for the entire school for about a quarter.
Now, adults and adulteresses have about a million different “special cards.” Besides cards for fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, sweethearts-male, and sweethearts-female, Valentines for mistresses past, present, and future are also available.
They have Valentines for people you like and Valentines for people you hate. They have old-fashioned Valentines, contemporary Valentines, Miss Vicki Valentines, Archie and Amanda Valentines, Miss Piggy Valentines, Bill Clinton Heart Surgery Valentines, same-sex Valentines, Ragu Pizza Quick Sauce Valentines, Valentines for people with Ghiz all over their faces, and even Valentines for cutting That Corrupt Evicted Lying Plagiarizing Meddling Overblown Bought-and-paid-For Tax-and-Spend RINO Bitch-in-a-Ditch Mean Jean Schmidt, Valentines from the Auditor’s office showing you how much they just jacked up your property values, and free-home delivery of Valentine’s Day dildos from Patty Brisben’s Dildo World for uptight bitches in Fort Mitchell who fake their orgasms and Strauss & Troy secretaries spouses.
But the one we liked best was the one from Obama that said, “Roses are red. Violets are blue. I’ll raise you taxes and there’s nothing you can do.”
There are serious Valentines with profound messages like “I love you a lot.” There are humorous Valentines that say things like “I love you… because you have a big penis.” And there are not-so-humorous Valentines that say “I love you a lot… even though you have a small penis.”
They used to keep Valentines for gay people in closets behind the Hallmark displays, but today Rachel Maddow Valentines are right out in the open with the rest of the DemocRAT left-wing extremist cards.
With the popularity of YouTube, this year we have Valentine’s Day videos like Obama’s Valentine Day Special and Jesse Jackson & Obama’s 7 Dating Tips for Valentine’s Day! And some golden oldies like George Bush Valentines, Political Valentines, and Hillary Clinton’s Valentine’s Day Strip Tease.
We have Valentines for your butcher, baker, candlestick maker, plumber, and cable-TV repairman are now obligatory– that’s if you don’t want to wait six months for your next service call. There are even “Sorry I forgot to send you a Valentine’s Day card” cards for people you overlooked.
True, the folks who’ve promoted Valentine’s Day have good reason to be proud. They’ve done a great job bringing love to the world.
But their task won’t be complete until they come out with alimony checks decorated with little cupids and hearts so that the cost of someone’s affections will never be forgotten.
But how did Valentine’s Day get started in the first place? Hurley the Historian says ancient Romans had this nice little bawdy festival called “Lupercalia.” It was the Super Bowl of Sex in those days. After sacrificing a few goats, priests dressed up in goat girdles and ran around slapping women with goatskin strips to help take away their infertility. It was like sending someone you love a “Goat-Gram.”
But the guy most responsible for making Valentine’s Day a commercial success was Al Capone. Times were bad in 1929. Valentines weren’t selling. So the greeting card companies hired Capone to stage a media event in a Chicago garage. The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre must’ve worked, because this year more than a gazillion Valentine’s Day cards will be sent.
For a long time we thought Valentine’s Day had been invented by the candy companies or the American Dental Association. For a while, they were thinking about changing the name to Whitman’s Sampler Day. Don’t you hate it when they only give you one chocolate-covered cherry and nobody will touch your nougats?
Politically correct feminists want Valentine’s Day to become “V-Day,” standing for Vagina, Violence (committed by men against women), and Victory. Rather than taking 24 hours to celebrate romantic love, women are admonished to sit around and whine all day.
And when your wife tells you she wants to go someplace special for Valentine’s Day, does that mean she’s not cooking tonight?
The best thing is to get married on Valentine’s Day (like our Beloved Publisher Charles Foster Kane). Besides showing someone how much you love her, you’ll save buying one present each year. Even better, marry somebody whose birthday is on Valentine’s Day too.
Horny in Hebron says the best Super Bowl ad on TV this year was the one where that sexy Teleflora girl says “Give and you shall receive,” promising you a “Happy Valentine’s Night.”
Now let’s see… what can we send that special someone for Valentine’s Day? Mushy cards are up to about eighty-seven dollars. She always grabs the chocolate-covered cherries and won’t touch your nougats. We could send her to the Toyota dealer. They’re having a romantic Valentine’s Day special on lube jobs. But no…
It’s time to get back to basics. Let’s remember the real meaning of Valentine’s Day. Does anybody know where we can find a goat?
Valentine’s Day Dating Tips
In his Valentine’s Day dating tips for horny guys, Bobby Leach says you should always be politically correct.
Don’t call her a “babe” or a “chick.” She’s a “breasted American.”
Don’t say she’s a “screamer” or a “moaner.” Call her “vocally appreciative.”
Don’t say she’s “been around.” She’s a “previously-enjoyed companion.” And don’t call her “easy.” She’s just “horizontally accessible.
Top Ten List
Today it’s Miss Piggy’s Top Ten Things A Man Should Never Say Out Loud While Shopping in Victoria’s Secret for a Valentine’s Day present:
10. Mom will love this.
9. No thanks. Just sniffing.
8. I’ll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Does this come in children’s sizes?
6. The size won’t matter. She’s inflatable.
5. No need to wrap it up. I’ll eat it here.
4. Will you model this for me?
3. The “Miracle” what? This is even better than world peace!
2. $45? She’s just gonna end up naked!
And the number one thing that a man should never say while shopping in Victoria’s Secret for a Valentine’s Day present is… But, DEBBIE, you’ll NEVER squeeze your fat ass into that!“
Odes to Valentine’s Day
From “Best Loved Poems of the World”
by Bunky Tadwell, The Bard of Cleves
Before I met you,
My heart was so famished.
But now I’m fulfilled,
SO GO MAKE ME A SAMMICH!
—
I see your face, when I am dreaming,
That’s why I always wake up screaming.
—
I want to feel, your sweet embrace,
But don’t take that paper bag, off of your face.
—
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you, really screwed up my life.
—
What could inspire such an amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka and one part lime.
Ode to a Forgotten Love
Valentine, Oh Valentine
Last night I had a ball
I know we were introduced
But your name I can’t recall
Don’t Be My Valentine
I’ll keep you forever
What you gave me—
A nasty dose
Of an SDT
Could You Be My Valentine?
I sent you flowers
I sent you candy
All in hopes
To make you randy
Where There’s Smoke
Valentine, they say,
Was a well-known saint.
From what I hear
That’s what you ain’t
It’s a Crap Shoot
A pretty card
An expensive dinner
But no guarantee
I’ll get a winner
Drink Up
I’ll slip a Mickey
In your wine
Soon you’ll be
My Valentine
Ode to Mean Jean
by Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane
I’d ask you to be my Valentine,
And then, my dear, you would be mine.
You could even be my queen,
If only you weren’t so goddamn mean.
Ode-ious in Covington
From “Totally Gay Valentine’s Poems”
by Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis
I thought that I could love no other,
Until, that is, I had sex with your brother.
Another Proud Sponsor and Avid Fan
Today’s edition is brought to you by a generous donation during our February fund-raising drive by Patty Brisben’s Dildo World.
VALENTINE’S DAZE HOT LINE
e-mail your Goat Grams today
Links of the Day
Annual Valentine’s Day Stoning Of Happy Couple Held
PLUS
The History of Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day Poems You Can Plagiarize
Some romance-in-your-pants items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally romance-in-your-pants subscribers.
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.