THURSDAY, JANUARY 16, 2020
WE’RE ENJOYING THE MOST IMPROPER IMPEACHMENT EVER
On Trump’s 1,091st Day In Office
The Whistleblower’s 61st Annual Seediest Kids of All Campaign (Not Associated With The Failed United Way) Is Now Underway.We’re featuring some truly inspirational stories about the waifs and urchins we claim to have helped in Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky, just so you’ll believe we actually give a big rat’s ass.
Why don’t we have a more traditional holiday guilt campaign like the rest of the news media? No charity made our publisher its president in exchange for free publicity and our endorsement, we don’t have a fat weatherman turned radio talk-show host who was never actually convicted of beating up his girlfriend, and all the really good dead celebrities other than Harriet Beecher Stowe, “Clean Gene” Ruehlmann, and “BeanBall Jim” Bunning have already been taken.
The Eldon Pudpuller Story
Eldon Pudpuller was a very troubled 12-year-old lad who ran up a whopping $38,000 telephone bill last month making calls to 1-900 phone-sex lines, all because his hero, Disgraced Former Masturbating Anderson Township Trustee Kevin O’Brien had been in court “getting off” on a technicality for trying to “get off” in front of a Wellborn woman and Eldon couldn’t combine “whacking off” with show-and-tell at his Forrest Gump School. The Forest Hills Urinal got hold of the story, and soon none of the Pudpullers could show their faces in public.
So the Seediest Kids of All sent over tapes of calls to the same phone-sex lines made by guys who’d worked their asses off on “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup’s campaign and hadn’t even been called back on interviews for jobs in Ohio’s Second Congressional District Office in Anderson.
Now Eldon listens to grown-ups talking dirty any time he wants and it doesn’t cost his family a dime. He’s learning a lot about township government at the same time. He’s studying hard in school and when he grows up, he wants to be a public official too. Just like Disgraced Masturbating Ex-Anderson Township Trustee Kevin “Spanky” O’Brien, who managed the campaign of Anderson’s newest trustee in the last election (where Anxious Andersonians are now hoping she at least tries to accomplish something during her remaining 292 days before she can be voted out-of-office), and then Kevin and Eldon could be called “Big Spanky” and “Little Spanky.”
The entire Pudpuller family is grateful to the Seediest Kids of All, but it’s you they really have to thank, because it’s your guilt throughout the year which makes it all possible.