SUNDAY, MARCH 21, 2021
TRUMP’S SIXTIETH DAY OUT-OF-OFFICE
AND HERE’S TODAY’S VIRUS UPDATE
Vol. XXVIII: Announcing Our New Feature
Ask Rev. Jim
In this first issue I will respond to private messages from three governors, whose identities, you understand, must be kept secret.
Inquiry #1. Dear Rev. Jim:
I’m really into leather, but there’s no place up here in the great white north where I can indulge my fantasies. As you probably know, there is a certain lack of cultural imagination in this boring meat-and-potatoes state. Can you help? And if so, do you require masks on your island? I’m really sick of pretending that I give a crap about people’s health by wearing this stupid thing. Besides, I tried wearing a leather one, but I couldn’t breathe!
Dear Gov. C.W.,
We at Healthier Lives Matter would be delighted to have you visit our little enclave. I can assure you that your stranded imagination can be given full play, 24/7, at our facilities. Our luxurious Epstein suite is fully equipped with implements of erotica to suit every taste, but if you arrive and find that we lack some of your preferred equipment, we can order it for you and have it shipped overnight!
You will also be pleased to know that we do not require masks on the Island. However, if you have a particular mask that helps you indulge in one of your fantasies, then by all means…
We look forward to serving your needs to the fullest possible extent. Just think of us as your personal Fantasy Island!
Inquiry #2. Dear Rev. Jim:
I am looking for a very seclubed, yet thoroughly acksessible locashun where I can host private fund-razing dinner parties, without anywon snitching on me for violating my own protocalls. Can you ackommodate groops of up to 510? Also, if the recall against me is sucksessful, I will de looking for a long-term rezidense which has excellent recreashional and hairstyling venyooes, and where I can broabcast my TV talk show. Please advize.
Gov. G. N.
PS: Is mariwuana legal on your island?
Dear Gov. G. N.,
First of all, let me point out that we take special care to welcome special needs people here at Healthier Lives Matter. We affirm our solidarity with you! Dyslexics of the world, untie!
That said, you’ve come to the right place! Our five-star kitchen is guaranteed to serve up world-class French-American cuisine in our spacious dining hall, artfully prepared by our Master Chef Pinot Grigio. Not only that, your meal will be served by freshly imported teen-aged girls dressed as Playboy bunnies, and your guests will be entertained by professional musicians of all sizes and genders!
As for your potential long-term residence issue, I can assure you that we are always ready to make comfortable, private arrangements in one of our elite suites, where our security staff will protect you from every right-wing conspiracy theory that may arise. If need be we can make room for your uncle Ron and Willie Brown as well, though we might be in need of a negotiable percentage of your fund-raising profits in order to completely satisfy your needs.
Regarding marijuana use on our Island getaway, you will be thrilled to know that it is not only perfectly legal, it is one of our main export crops. In fact, the only things that are illegal here are private property and MAGA hats! Welcome aboard!
Inquiry #3. Dear Rev. Jim:
So uh, I’m looking for a hideout where I’m being circled by beautiful tropical fish, not feminist barracudas. In other words, I would like to be surrounded by plenty of female eye-candy so I can cherchez les femmes, if you catch my drift. And finally, if you have a nursing home facility, I’d like to bring a couple people down with me, especially my ex-wife, who was never that great.
Bada bing, bada boom,
Gov. A. C.
Dear Gov. A.C.,
I trust you will be elated to know that right-to-life, pro-assault weapon and anti-gay extremists have no place on this Island, nor as members of Healthier Lives Matter. We pride ourselves on being inclusive, tolerant, and diverse – in fact, our supply of female eye-candy, as you somewhat crudely put it, is especially diverse. If you would like to preview the selection we have available, I can send you an encrypted zip file for a modest fee.
As for nursing home space, I regret to inform you that we have yet to build such a facility, since the vast majority of our resident members are, shall we say, a bit on the younger side. However, the U.S. Navy hospital ship USNS Comfort does dock here regularly, and I’m sure they could be convinced to house your ex-wife, and whomever else you’d like to dispose of.
All the best,
Yours for a healthier (and more sustainable) Temple,
(Rev.) Jim Jones
Supreme Pastor and CEO, Healthier Lives Matter
Little St. James Island