FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 2018
Trump’s 672nd Day In Office
Time Out From Shopping
How do we know the holiday season has officially begun? Union goons who weren’t already shopping on Thanksgiving Day usually get bused in to stores on Friday to protest against employees working on the holiday and get an early start on the season’s shopping chaos. Others wanted to be a first-in-line shopper on the TV news.
The Blower remembers when competitive shopping turned into chaos as a Wal-Mart worker was trampled to death in the stampede and a woman miscarried, a woman pepper sprayed other Black-and-Blue Friday shoppers “to gain an upper hand” and mayhem ensued over a $2 waffle maker, a grandmother was shot while cooking Thanksgiving dinner, “A Christmas Story” had already been shown twice on TV, but Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s neighbors had still not put out their flashing humping reindeer display in their front yard.
The Blower remembers when Weasel Zippers showed us a video of Black Friday shoppers beating the crap out of each other over underwear (If Obama had another daughter she’d look like the woman with the orange hair). But somehow, The Blower believes that isn’t what Thanksgiving Day was meant to be.
President Trump mentioned “God” nine times and “Prayer” twice in his Thanksgiving Message. In Contrast, in last year’s Thanksgiving Message, Obama mentioned “God” only once and never once mentioned “Prayer,” making it the eighth straight year in which the President of the United States had ignored the central message of the holiday in favor of political grandstanding, but what else could you expect from the guy who reduced Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address by two words, “under God.”
Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen says despite all the hype, most Americans are sitting out the Black Friday sales this year.
A new Rasmussen Reports national telephone and online survey finds that 42% percent of American Adults say they are not likely to go shopping on the day after Thanksgiving to take advantage of Black Friday sales deals, including 34% who say they’re Not At All Likely to. Other findings include: Americans Are In A Spending Mood This Thanksgiving and Most People Say They Have Much To Be Thankful For.
Our Compassionate Conservative remembers the year St. Vincent de Paul ran out of FREE turkey dinners after 1,200 boxes had been passed out. The Freebee Store planned to provide boxes to feed 22,000 meals. Tri State churches collected enough turkeys and the fixings to feed 86,000 people. That’s a total of 109,200 FREE THANKSGIVING MEALS. Remember to save your wishbones, Slackers, so you can turn them in and get your “FREE it’s for ME” Christmas Dinners next month!
Actually, the parking lot at the Kroger’s store at the Anderson Food Court has been packed ever since its big grand opening many years ago and the remodeling in 2008. But that’s only because years later, thousands of shoppers are still wandering around inside the store overwhelmed and bewildered, aimlessly trying to find a quart of milk.
Hurley the Historian says according to media mythology, Black Friday (the Day After Thanksgiving) is NOT a racial holiday. It’s actually one of the busiest shopping days of the year and the beginning of the period where retailers would no longer have losses (in the red) and instead take in the year’s profits (in the black).
But why do retail store owners really call the day after Thanksgiving “Black Friday?” WLW Hate Radio Racist in Residence Bill Cunningham says it’s because it’s the biggest shoplifting day of the year and Obama Supporters are proud of their bumper stickers that say “I’d rather be stealing.”
Early Bird Shopper Tino Delgato says Kneepad Liberals in the Press wanted today to be called “Rainbow Friday.” The idea was proposed by one of the great turkeys of all time “Reverend” Jesse Jackson. Tino went to the local Wal-Mart Friday morning. He got very nervous seeing a large group of Black people outside. He thought it might be Demonstrators for the highly publicized Black Lies Matter Protest. But when Tino saw a few yoofs carrying out HDTVs he knew it was only Black Friday. Tino guesses the white folks did their shoplifting at another store. Go Figure!
Our Quote for Today Committee chose Adrienne Gusoff’s “Shopping is better than sex. If you’re not satisfied after shopping you can make an exchange for something you really like.” No wonder Patty Brisbane’s Dildo World is having an after-Thanksgiving Sale on Erotic Turkey Basters.
The Blower remembers that series of appearances to spread the word about his Personal Economic Recovery Plan, when a Goofy Guy in a Santa Hat showed up at the corner of Springdale and Colerain Avenue Friday afternoon to wave at passing cars and encourage shoppers to buy goods made in the USA.
Meanwhile, Thursday’s Annual Thanksgiving Day Parade in Anderson was a lot smaller than it was last year, because the event was being boycotted by 75% of the residents with no children in school who were facing another jacked-up property tax bill at the end of January 2019.
And if you thought your turkey was stuffed, The Fishwrap more than pleasingly plump this year (if it was actually delivered), with more than five pounds of Black Friday savings, including Christmas catalogs from Macy’s, Sears, Walmart, JC Penny, and Menards.
Speaking of Thanksgiving, Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall says Bungals fans were not playing in Thursday’s nationally televised game, but every Ohio State Fan was waiting for tomorrow’s big game against Michigan where the #8 Buckeyes will be trying to survive to keep their hopes alive on their way to the national championship game.
Jay Leno says in 1941, Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday in November would officially be observed as Thanksgiving Day — thus making it the last time Congress accomplished anything.
Conservative Curmudgeon Stu Mahlin remembers a couple of years ago when The Fishwrap actually published Obama’s phony baloney Thanksgiving Day Message on page A-16 to allow the Empty Suit in the Oval Office by virtue of the authority vested in him by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, to thereby proclaim Thursday, November 27, 2014, as a National Day of Thanksgiving. At least it wasn’t Cincinnati Clown-cil Gay Chris Squealback Tweeting about how he got stuffed on Thanksgiving.
This year on Thanksgiving, Elected Officials in Ohio are still applauding Liberal Whacko Judge Tim Black’s ruling in favor of COAST’s Avaricious Attorney Chris Finney’s case to allow those same politicians the “Right to Lie” during political campaigns, because lying is certainly something all politicians are thankful for all the days of their lives.
Also this Thanksgiving, our Feckless Fishwrappers deserve a Rafter Of Turkeys Award for not reporting anything about Jessica Miranda’s multiple state investigations (2011-45-1491, 2012-28-197, 2014-28-2039) regarding her felony violations over the past five years that might have affected that Disingenuous DemocRAT’s current 56 vote margin of victory for the 28th District Ohio House seat.
Survivors of the Anderson High School Class of 1956 were thankful they’ve made it this long and looking forward to seeing who shows up at the next meeting of the Survivors, while Community Changers are still whining about the fact the Anderson Redskins mascot was not killed off earlier this year. Speaking of Over-Eating on Thanksgiving, let’s all try to remember what happened when “Mr. Creosote Blew Himself Up.”
At Thursday’s Meeting of the Conservative Agenda, everybody was sitting around listening to the traditional telling of the Legend of Squanto and there was so much good food to eat, by the time you were done, you felt like a python who’d just swallowed a goat.
Political Insiders enjoying the Thanksgiving Feast couldn’t stop asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about the special Thanksgiving e-mails wishing him a Happy Thanksgiving he’d received from all those really sincere politicians.
One of the Northern Kentucky runners-up in the Eleventh Annual Whistleblower Turkey Decorating Contest for Thanksgiving, where the person who was selected as the biggest turkey of the year would be shown with his head on the body of a turkey, was Rick “The BatBoy” Robinson, who always used to pass out copies of his official Whistleblower Turkey Nomination Illustration at his annual Graydon Head “Hannukah Party” at the Fort Mitchell Country Club, but we’re not so sure who’ll be making Jews Feel Welcome in Northern Kentucky this year, since Rick is no longer with that prestigious law firm, with all of those litigious lawyers wondering how they could at least get on the waiting list to be included on the Whistleblower’s Legal Dream Team.
Until then, remembers where you could see Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane reminding everybody not to forget “The Whistleblower Motto” during the holiday season.
REMEMBER: If you can’t improve on the news, you shouldn’t even be reporting it.
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