SATURDAY, JUNE 10, 2017

These Fictitious People Still Sound A Lot Like Some People We Know

         Here’s another column featuring the same sleazy 1980s characters at the satirical Patronage County Courthouse, to illustrate things going on hereabouts these days, so our Persons of Consequence might gain yet another useful perspective on the news.

These articles are Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as the struggling columnist below who shares his acute and surprisingly accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.

“Exploiting the Flag” By James Jay Schifrin 

         Today in Patronage County, every politician was planning on taking part in next week’s Annual Flag Day Parade, and our three Corrupt County Commissioners were talking about the best ways to exploit that day’s events.

        “That’s easy,” said Commissioner Filch. “We’ll send out an e-mail commemorating Flag Day. All we have to do is change the date on the one we sent out last year.”

        “And ask for donations while we’re at it,” added Commissioner Swindle. “People are suckers for a patriotic pitch.”

        “We have all these pamphlets about Flag Etiquette with our names stamped on them to hand out Republican Club meetings,” said Commissioner Pilfer.

        “But maybe this year we should distribute them before Flag Day, right?” Swindle asked.

        “Tell me again why we’re not selling American Flags again this year,” said Commissioner Filch.

        “Don’t you remember how all the unions complained last year when we sold all those flags with no Union Label? When’s the last time you saw an American Flag that was actually ‘Made in America?” Swindle explained.

          And since Donald Trump’s birthday is on Flag Day, we need to find a way to exploit that, too,” Commissioner Pilfer added.

        “And wouldn’t this be a good time for us incumbents to come up with something unpatriotic our opponents said?” asked Commissioner Filch.

        “You’re right as usual, Filch,” Swindle smiled. “I’ve already called Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine, Ohio Secretary of State Jon Husted, Congressman Jim Renacci, and Ohio Lieutenant Governor Mary Taylor to remind them about that time Disgraced DemocRAT Party Chairman David A. Pepper said, ‘burning the flag was a small price to pay for liberty.”

This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.