Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Wednesday Wattles

TOMORROW IS THANKSGIVING DAY and maybe we all need to try to get out of our Obama Administration depression and just to be grateful for the little we’ll have during another year of the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, unless the First Black President in History is impeached, so let’s all sing:

It’s beginning to look a lot like Thanksgiving,
Everywhere you go.
Take a look at your Kroger store,
They’ve got turkeys by the score,
And RamaHanuKwanzMas wreaths on the door!”

HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says no matter what our Obama Supporters in the Press would have you believe, Barack Hussein Obama did not come up with the idea of a Presidential Pardon for turkeys on Thanksgiving. Whistleblower Presidential Historian Patrick Maloney says that idea originated in 1863 with Abraham Lincoln,  when Lincoln’s Thanksgiving Proclamation included: “I do, therefore, invite my fellow citizens . . . to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next as a day of thanksgiving and praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the heavens.”

BUT INSTEAD, OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose Jon Stewart’s “I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”

REMEMBERING HOW UNCLE JAY USED TO EXPLAIN: Last Year, when Uncle Jay helped little minds understand big news stories, we learned what happened when the start of Hanukkah and Thanksgiving were on the same night and a lot of families were combining the best of both holidays together. 

IMPROVING RACIAL HARMONY FOR THANKSGIVING: Last year in 2014,  for the Liberal Agenda after Obama went on prime time National TV, called for peaceful protests and “police restraint” so lawless black hooligans could take pictures on their Obamaphones of the official opening the traditional Black Friday holiday looting season a few days early in Ferguson, Missouri.

The News Media’s “Brown Monday Riots” had been continuously orchestrated for months by Obama Supporters in the Press. Police in Ferguson, thoroughly intimidated by Obama’s Attorney General, the FBI, and the Department of Justice, permitted chaos and mayhem to ensue, including robbery, looting, burning the city, gunfire, and even shooting police officers, as Obama’s Race-Baiter-in-Chief Al Sharpton and Attorney General Eric Holder promised looters amnesty and a thorough civil rights investigation.

It was what leftism truly looks like during the Age of Obama: Buildings burned as Obama voters took their children to loot local liquor stores, while Liberals on TV continued to call white people racists. It comes as no surprise that the press has not stated the obvious:  the crowds were just awaiting an opportunity to destroy and loot (emphasis on loot) and it had absolutely nothing to do with the excuse (to gather). Interesting that the looting photos are what’s being published – but not a word is being said (perhaps we’re actually trusted to draw out own conclusions from the obvious). 

Testy Troublemaker Tino Delgato says protesters in Ferguson burned cars and buildings in their community. What are the chances any of those businesses burned down will make any attempt to rebuild?

Ironically, although Officer Wilson wasn’t indicted, Liberalism’s Failure in Ferguson was an further indictment of the devolution of Obama’s Divided America and we can expect nothing else for the next  422 Days of Dishonesty and Division for America remaining during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, unless the First Black President in History is impeached.

Locally last year, the Hamilton County Prosecutor “JayWalking Joe” Deters’ Office mistakenly released a few grand jurors names and everybody wondered when The Fishwrap would publish another front-page story about all those poor black yoofs being arrested in our Caucasian Suburban Communities, as the Whistleblower Newswire changed the countdown calendar on the lower right hand corner of its web page from the number of days until Convicted Black Juvie Judge Traci Hunter’s next motion would be denied to the next the number of Black Looting Days remaining until Kwanzaa, now only four weeks, two days, eighteen hours, seven minutes, and thirty three seconds from now.

MEANWHILE AT CITY HALL, this year our Diminutive DemocRAT Mayor John Cranley and his nine Meleagris gallopavos on Cincinnati City Clown-cil would be available for media interviews 24/7 over the holidays to offer their most recent positions on the number of Murdering Muslim Terrorists Disguised As Syrian Refugees to be allowed to settle in Cincinnati. .

AND DOWN AT THE FISHWRAP LAST YEAR,  Metro Mole says Fired Fishwrappers are already standing in line at the FreeStore waiting for their free holiday turkeys, while those that still have jobs are celebrating the City’s 100% Gay Rating, saying it’s understandable you haven’t seen much about those embarrassing Gruber tapes in The Fishwrap, what with Editor Wedgie Washburn being so busy these days getting rid of all those good reporters before Christmas and ginning up the Liberal outrage over the latest gay marriage decision with Sodomy Rites Support Stories like Mann’s and P&G’s, along with Cincinnati Clown-cil Gay Chris Squealback’s whining about naming Third Street for Carl Lindner because of all that free stuff he gave the City, he also donated some chump change to Phil Burr-ass’ Citizens for Community Values, since you must always remember what The Fishwrap says, Folks: It’s not Baseball, Mom, or Apple Pie that have always made our area great, it’s our “Diversity.”

TRYPTOPHAN TESTER TINO DELGATO says this Thanksgiving, Ohio State football fans will be looking forward to a huge win in this weekend’s big game with Michigan so the 9-1 Buckeyes can keep their sixth-ranked hopes alive for a national championship, or at the very least, a Big Ten championship, and a victory in the crappy Cotton Bowl, unlike when the mighty Bucks got blown out by Clemson in the Orange Bowl two years ago.

IN ANDERSON: Survivors of the Anderson High School Class of 1956 will be thankful they’ve made it this long and looking forward to seeing who shows up at the next meeting of the Survivors on December 3 at Red Lobster.

Also in Anderson, everybody’s still wondering if that missing memento was ever returned after Joe and Lorraine Mayernik allowed their house to be used for a soiree last year to celebrate the Forrest Gump School District’s humongous $103 million Tax Hike Scam (that will really cost $170 million on top of the thousands of dollars in school taxes property owners are already paying).

TURKEY MURDERERS IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY: This archived Patrick Reddy Fishwrap photo shows Stephanie Tewes, whose family owns Tewes Poultry Farm in Erlanger, holding a 50-pound tom turkey. The farm raises about five gazillion turkeys a year. Curiously, The Fishwrap made no mention of the fact that the head of Stephanie’s pet “Gex” would be chopped off in time for Thanksgiving dinner at the Tewes house.

 And if that isn’t something to piss off PETA, check out this remake of WKRP’s Classic Turkey Drop.

WARNING: Don’t let lawyers sue the stuffing out of you this Thanksgiving. The Center for Consumer Freedom says make sure you sign your 2014 Thanksgiving Guest Liability and Indemnification Form to keep your holiday cook in the clear. To prevent greedy trial lawyers from wrangling your guests into suing you for contributing to the so-called “obesity epidemic,” the CCF has prepared this essential liability waiver. Make sure all your Turkey Day guests sign it.

• ARE YOU READY FOR SOME STUFFING? Horny in Hebron says maybe we can do better with this piece of poetic perversion from Wilford Brimley, whose Erotic No-Hands Turkey Stuffing Tips are always a holiday favorite for many of our Pervert Subscribers.

           He laid her on the table
           So white clean and bare.
           His forehead wet with beads of sweat
           He rubbed her here and there.
           He touched her neck and then her breast
           And then drooling felt her thigh.
           The slit was wet and all was set,
           He gave a joyous cry.
           The hole was wide…he looked inside
           All was dark and murky.
           He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms……….

     And then he stuffed the turkey.

 TOMORROW WE’LL BE ANNOUNCING the Ohio and Northern Kentucky winners of the Whistleblower’s 2015 Turkey of the Year Contest, sponsored by Dummy’s Restaurant. Most people remember 2011 when our noxious nominees included That Corrupt Evicted Lying Plagiarizing Meddling Overblown Tax-and-Spend RINO Bitch-in-a-Ditch Mean Jean Schmidt; Hamilton County Demo-Labor Party Boss Tim Burka and County Commissioner Me, Greg Hartmann; Hamilton County Commissioner Odd Todd Opportune; “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman and Hamilton County’s Disingenuous DemocRAT Double-Dipping Auditor; Announced GOP Congressional Candidate Brad Wenstrup; Defeated Cincinnati City Clown-cil Candidates Chris Bortz and Ghizzy Lizzy, along with the rest of Alex T.’s “Vote for Five Slate” (Amy Murray, Wayne Man, and the Windbag); Dainty DemocRAT Cincinnati Mayor Mark Mallory; WLW Hate Radio Trash Talker Bill Cunningham; P.J. Sittenfeld; Hamilton County Party Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP; Cincinnati Tea Party President Chris Littleton; Ohio RINO Party Boss Kevin DeWhine; Ohio State Senator Shannon Faulkner Jones and Governor Kasich; Litigious Family Friendly Fascist Chris Finney and his faithful Butt Boy, SMLP Chris Smithermouth;  Schnozzy Heimlich; Virg “The Scourge” Lovitt; Ohio State Senator Connie “The Pillager”; Clermont County GOP Vice Chairman Joe “Know it All; Braun; and last, but not least, Eric “Call Me Crazy, Big Mouth, Most Sanctioned, Ambulance Chaser, No Count of a Radio Host, Shameless Self Promoter, Willie Wannabe, Why Haven’t I Been Disbarred, Who Likes Bulldogs and Failed Roadhouse Operator” Deters.  [WATCH THAT VIDEO HERE]

And don’t forget, like everything else in The Blower, nominees will always be discriminated against on the basis of race, religion, color, sex, age, non-disqualifying physical or mental disability, national origin, sexual orientation, or any other basis covered by local law). Northern Kentucky turkeys won’t be left out, because separate winners will be awarded for both Ohio and the Bluegrass.

Remember, this is the Official “Turkey of the Year” Contest. Any other “Turkey of the Year” Contest you may see published elsewhere on Thanksgiving is surely a fake, especially that crappy one in the Morning Fishwrap.

FINALLY, it was no joke in yesterday’s edition. Clueless Marc Wilson and our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane actually do plan to meet at the Golden Corral on Thanksgiving, although each plans to start from the opposite end of the buffet line.

Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Weight Gainers Members.

More Conservative Political Cartoons

WILFORD BRIMLEY’S EROTIC 

NO-HANDS TURKEY STUFFING TIPS HOT LINE

e-mail your ribald requests today.

Some turkey stuffing items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally turkey stuffing subscribers.

Whistleblower Video of the Day

White Meat on Thanksgiving

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