SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2017
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1929, President Coolidge established Grand Teton National Park. Bobby Leach says it’s always been his favorite National Park because “Grand Teton” means “really big tits” in French.
THAT’S WHY YOUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose Dave Barry’s “Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.”
THE LATEST POLLS: Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen President Trump’s predecessors have all at least pretended that they had respect for their journalistic adversaries. For Trump, the purveyors of what he considers “fake news” are “enemies of the people.” Most Republicans remain angry at the media and strongly support calling out specific members of the press by name, while DemocRATS and unaffiliated voters are far less critical of the media than they’ve been in the past.
THURSDAY, OUR LATE NIGHT TV JOKEWATCHER SAID LATE NIGHT COMEDIANS WERE STILL TAKING CHEAP SHOTS AT TRUMP, LIKE JIMMY FALLON’S: There are rumors that Russia’s compiling a psychological profile on Trump to help Putin get inside his head. You know, it’s so hard to get Trump to open up and talk about himself. He keeps a lot of stuff private.
JAMES CORDEN: The The Conservative Political Action Conference kicked off today. This is a huge convention that Republicans attend, and this year they’ll have guest speakers like Kellyanne Conway and Donald Trump. It’s basically two days of speeches followed by 19 days of fact checking.
SETH MEYERS: The NYPD sent out a message today telling residents that despite President Trump’s executive order, New York City will remain a safe place for all immigrants. “I’m counting on it,” [shows photo of Melania Trump] said one immigrant.
AND STEPHEN COLBERT: STEPHEN COLBERT: This isn’t the only Obama action Trump’s rolling back. He’s going to repeal the Affordable Care Act, rescind environmental protections — he’s already replaced Michelle’s vegetable garden with a sandbox full of onion rings.
NOW HERE’S THE LATEST FROM BUNKY TADWELL, The Odious Octegenarian: This poem is in time for Mardi Gras, because we just came across his “Lust in My Heart,” found in better bookstores everywhere, except in Cleves.
Want Some Candy, Little Girl?
Fashion says it’s OK
To put young girls’ charms on display
But if you should just touch
I’ll tell you this much
The cops will put you away.
MEANWHILE, OUR MUCKRAKER says lots of levy over-promises are going to be broken in Anderson. The district is running out of money just like the levy opponents said was inevitable. The finger-pointing should begin in earnest soon, also as predicted. There are only four people to be held accountable: Randy Smith, Jim Frooman, Forest Heis, and Tony Hemmelgarn. When was the last tar and feathering and ride them out of town on a rail in Anderson Township? Maybe there should be something new. Turpin painted a penis on the Anderson football field. How about a public branding of penises on those foreheads at that same field? The penis of shame?
SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL: Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible. This week’s Seediest Kid of All was Young Poochy Barker, who couldn’t have a puppy because his dad was afraid if he couldn’t pay the outrageous Hamilton County’s dog license fees on time, and the Disingenuous DemocRAT Auditor would make sure the Barker name was published in the newspaper and the entire family would be too ashamed to show their faces in public. (See the whole story HERE)
IN THIS WEEK’S COLUMN FROM PATRONAGE COUNTY TITLED “GRIPE,” We learned that griping is a fundamental freedom guaranteed in the Bill of Rights. Throughout our nation’s history, griping has been as fundamental as baseball, apple pie, hot dogs, and Toyotas. That op-ed column first appeared in the legendary Mt. Washington Press on February 25, 1981.
LIBERAL LUNACY: In Human Events’ “365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy,” #258 says “Tell a Joke”: What’s the difference between ObamaCare and a car battery? A. The car battery has a positive side.
GOING GALT means taking the John Galt Pledge. Let’s all say it together: “I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.”
WHISTLEBLOWER SENIOR BUSINESS EDITOR MERRILL FORBES says despite swirling controversy and political messiness in the early days of his administration, Wall Street so far has shrugged off the dark side of Donald Trump, preferring to focus instead on the potential positives of the 45th president’s economic agenda.
THE FREE GRAIN PARTY still stands as the last refuge of anyone who’s willing to help himself from the stores of others, and Conservatives are just as surprised about Bernie Sanders’ popularity as Hillary, but they think they’ve got an antidote to young Americans’ growing affinity for progressive politics — education, explanation and, oddly enough, Uber. “You can’t have Uber and a socialist-run healthcare system,” said Greg Dolin, senior fellow at the American Conservative Union Foundation and associate law professor.
Free Grain Party Members include all DemocRATS, RINO Republicans, some TEA Partiers, quite a few Independents, disgruntled postal workers, senior citizens demanding free prescriptions, those who believe bigger government is the answer to all their problems, everybody who said “what Bill Clinton did was indefensible, but he shouldn’t be removed from office,” and those who think pork-barrel spending is OK as long as their district gets the money.
Unfortunately, that group probably doesn’t include all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and Failed Trying To Give Obama a Third Term By Voting For Hillary, and get all of their “fake news” from our Obama Supporters in the Press, like the ones at The Fishwrap and on Channel 5, 9, 12, and 19.
Racial Healing Update
Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane says he’s really proud he was that he and his brother from a different mother Buckwheat Blackwell are again finalists for this year’s Ebony and Ivory Racial Healing Awards during Black History Month (sometimes called Half-Black History Month in honor Obama and other times called #If Black Lives Really Mattered History Month in honor of Obama’s Protesters), and Award-winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception thinks those guys have a pretty good chance.
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Hamilton County’s Disingenuous Double-Dipping Democrat Auditor, who still hasn’t explained exactly how his office came up with its Fair Property Values for your Jacked-Up Property Taxes. Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception shows us how that might have happened.
AND COMING UP DURING THE REMAINDER OF “BLACK LIVES REALLY, REALLY MATTER HISTORY MONTH”:
MONDAY (FEBRUARY 27) we’ll be celebrating the end of Black Lives Really, Really Matter History Month, Reviewing All of those Trump-Bashing Speeches at Sunday Night’s Affirmative Action Academy Awards.
TUESDAY (FEBRUARY 28) we’ll be all over the map, celebrating the real Mardi Gras in New Orleans and Trump’s Most Watched State of Disunion Address in History, which is why we don’t have our schedule finalized for WEDNESDAY (MARCH 1), since being part of those two raucous events, we just might not be done celebrating.
Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 742 different websites for the production of today’s Blower, many of our filches were from our friends at Weasel Zippers.
WEEK IN REVIEW HOT LINE
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