FRIDAY, JUNE 30, 2017
It’s Almost July First, Everybody!
That means we’ve almost survived the FEC’s Dreaded Deadline at Midnight, when tonight’s e-mail spamming season will have been concluded, and pseudo-patriotic politicians from both political parties can pivot from fundraising and start hassling people on their e-mail suckers lists to show their support by walking in their Fourth of July Parades.
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on tomorrow’s date in 1863, the largest military conflict in North American history began, as Union and Confederate forces collided at Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. At least Lincoln wasn’t getting hassled by Congress about the War Powers Act, the way Obama always used to ignore it, and this year’s Politically Correct Historical Reenactments will feature something different: NO CONFEDERATE FLAGS. Maybe today’s Southern Sodomites could wave Obama’s Gay American Flags instead. One thing’s for sure, they won’t be waving those black ugly ass ISIS Flags.
YOUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE was going to select Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address (all 272 words), which included “The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here.” But considering the Supreme Court’s rulings this week, The Whistleblower Editorial Board overrode the committee’s selection and replaced it with this section from Lincoln’s First Inaugural Address: “that if the policy of the Government upon vital questions affecting the whole people is to be irrevocably fixed by decisions of the Supreme Court, the instant they are made in ordinary litigation between parties in personal actions, the people will have ceased to be their own rulers, having to that extent practically resigned their Government into the hands of that eminent tribunal.”
AND HOW STUPID ARE all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and Failed Trying To Give Obama a Third Term By Voting For Hillary, and get all of their “fake news” from our Obama Supporters in the Press, like the ones at The Fishwrap and on Channel 5, 9, 12, and 19, check out these Americans who don’t know why we celebrate Independence Day, what country we declared independence from, what year the Declaration of Independence was signed, and other basic knowledge that every U.S. citizen should know. Media analyst Mark Dice hits the beach in San Diego, California for his annual Fourth of July Man on the Street Monday interviews.
IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY: Although columns for then-columnist Ken CamBoo and the legendary Bureau Chief J. R. Hatfield appeared toward the back of editions twenty-six years ago, Bluegrass readers always found out everything important that was going on in Northern Kentucky. Take the “Bluegrass Holler” column from June 25, 1991, where the CamBoozler reported that former president Zachary Taylor was still dead. [SEE EDITION # 56 HERE]
TRIPLE PLAYER TINO DELGATO says, “I have rarely utilized the words apathetic or pathetic. But with Pete Rose I currently feel apathetic about his now pathetic life choices. I look next for him to start dating Caitlyn Jenner to complete his odyssey to idiocy. Go Figure!!!”
OUR COUNTDOWN CONTINUES: The Counter on the lower right hand corner of the Whistleblower Web Page is still clicking away the days, hours, minutes, and seconds until the start of Tuesday’s Holy Homophobic islamophobic Heterosexual Fourth of July Day Parade in Anderson, where only White, God-Fearing Hetero Citizens of Anderson will be permitted to march in the Patriotic Procession. That parade might take a little longer than planned, if the entire convoy is once again rerouted through the drive-thru lane of Andy Pappas’ new Krispy Kreme store like those 42,321 people who were looking for free doughnuts on National Doughnut Day.
FINALLY, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about all that Political Correctness ruining America during the Obama Administration.
“It looks like everyone’s in such a big hurry to scream ‘prejudice’ these days,” Kane explained, like that customer he met at the store last week.
“In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?” The customer asked.
“Are you Polish?” Kane inquired.
The guy seemed clearly offended, and said, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I’d asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I’d asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I’d asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I’d asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I’d asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?”
“No, I probably wouldn’t,” Kane said.
“Well then, because I asked for Polish Sausage, why did you ask me if I’m Polish?” the guy responded.
“Because you’re not standing in the Kroger store,” Kane tried to explain, “You’re at Home Depot.”
PLAGIARISM COUNT: Unattributed material was pilfered from only one websites for the production of today’s Blower. (This time we only plagiarized ourselves!)
REMOVE THE CONFEDERATE FLAG HOT LINE
e-mail your Rebel Yell from a Rebel Belle today.
Some racially insensitive items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally racially insensitive subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use more.
WHISTLEBLOWER VIDEO OF THE DAY
Mark Dice returns to see how many Stupid Americans will sign a petition to Ban the American Flag and Issue a New Design for the New World Order!
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
