TODAY IS
THURSDAY, APRIL 25, 2018
Trump’s 825th Day In Office
One of the best parts about publishing The Whistleblower Newswire is checking our e-mail first thing each morning to see some of those politically insightful items we’ve received from our equally politically insightful subscribers. Our readers’ comments are extremely helpful for our analysis and interpretation of today’s important top stories.
It’s Just Another Silly, Meaningless Liberal Holiday
At yesterday’s meeting of the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane why “Take Your Daughter, Son, and Trannie to Work Day” is always the day after “Secretary’s Day.” “Who do you think gets to watch the kids when the boss brings them to work?” Kane explained.
In Cincinnati, “Take Your Daughter Son, and Trannie to Work Day” promises to be almost as productive for employers as the Reds Opening Day.
Our Good Friend Bobby Leach remembers when he brought his daughter back home after “Take Your Daughter, Son, or Trannie to Work Day.” Bobby’s little girl said, “Daddy, why do you call your assistant a doll?” Feeling his wife’s gaze upon him, Bobby said, “Well, honey, it’s a term of affection. She’s very hard-working, and Daddy appreciates her efficiency.” “Oh,” said Bobby’s little girl, “I thought it was because she closed her eyes and said ‘mama’ every time you laid her across your desk.”
Our Quote for Today Committee chose Wendy Spero’s “My mom’s a sex therapist. On Take Your Daughter, Son, or Trannie to Work Day, I hooked up with two guys.”
Thursday (April 26) was “National Pretzel Day,” Richter Scale Day,” and “Hug an Australian Day.” Unfortunately, we didn’t have any good kangaroo jokes.
We’re sorry if you’re still unemployed during Trump’s Stock Market Boom. People still waiting to find jobs could always take their kids with them to the Unemployment Office.
Or maybe some of those those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and Failed Trying To Give Obama a Third Term By Voting For Hillary, and get all of their “fake news” from our Obama Supporters in the Press, like the ones at The Fishwrap and on Channel 5, 9, 12, and 19, can stand in line with them at the Board of Elections when they vote early.
Who thought up this stupid day anyway? The Blower says the guy who invented “Take Your Child to Work Day” probably forgot to drop his child off at school on the way to work, because taking your kids to work with you is a good way to combine the two most annoying things in your life.
Today your kids are not only embarrassed by you, they’ll be embarrassed by what you do for a living. Good luck convincing them you do anything worthwhile. Sorry if your child tells your boss what you really think.
Of course, when your children visit the office today, they won’t be expected to do actual work. Still, somebody might be able to teach your kids the nuances of mindless web browsing and cruel office gossip. Your wife thinks it’ll be just another excuse for your kids to play hand held games while you pretend to be busy.
Single moms can take their toddlers to work with them today to make their bosses feel guilty about possibly laying them off.
And wouldn’t you like to take your 30-year old, unemployed, Hillary-voting, still-living-at-home son to work with you today to show him what it’s like, if only you could pry the Wii remote out of his fucking hand?
“Better yet,” explained our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane, “I’d like to see a day when parents can go to work with their adult children, you know, the ones who actually have jobs. How wonderful would that be?”
“And these days,” Kane added, “it’s a good thing we never print all the bad stuff we know, because certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Hamilton County Job and Family Services.”
TWENTY-EIGHT YEARS AGO, when Edition #47 was published on April 23, 1991, the Whistleblower included Real Editorials by Publisher Charles Foster Kane about Secretary’s Day and the Whistleblower’s Rape Policy, Cheap Shots Chamber President John Williams and Guy Guckenberger, Ken CamBoo’s report on Bill Butler’s house of cards folding, and our Sleaze Card featured Convicted Financier Marvin Warner on the way to the hoosegow. To See the entire Edition #47, CLICK HERE
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially, Judge P-P-P-Patrick DeWhine, who went to work with his dad one time, and has been living off the Over-Taxed Payers ever since. (Not to mention all those Mallorys, Winklers, and Deterses still swilling at still swilling at the public trough)
More Proud Sponsors and Avid Fans
Today’s edition is brought to you by another generous “in-kind” donation during our April fund-raising drive by Suckles, offering their women employees who bring their children to work group lactation rooms for their daily breast feeding duties.
TAKE YOUR CHILDREN TO WORK DAY HOT LINE
e-mail your trials and tribulations today.
Some problem parenting items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally problem parenting subscribers.
Whistleblower Video of the Day
Bring Your Child to Work Day
(Sent in by Whistleblower Faux Facebook Friend Hamilton County Sheriff Jim Neil, who says prisoners at his injustice center are welcome to invite their illegitimate children to spend “Take Your Children to Work Day” with them, since they’ll probably be winding up there anyway.)
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here
