THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 2017

Groping For An Answer

At this morning’s meeting of the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane why so many Hollywood Celebrities, Congressional Icons, And Overpaid Members Of The Media Elite thought they could get away with Groping Women.

“Actually, as any graduate of the Failed Cincinnati Public Schools can tell you, “Groping Women” is right there in the Declaration of Independence,” Kane added, because Thomas Jefferson wrote, “We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Groping Women.”

And even the Pledge of Allegiance says, “One nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and Groping Women for all.”

Do you remember when Patrick Henry said, “Give me Groping Women or give me death?”

Nathan Hale said, “I regret that I have but one Life to give for Groping Women.”

John Paul Jones said, “I have not yet begun Groping Women.”

George Washington said, “I cannot tell a lie. It was only Groping Women that made me cut down the cherry tree.”

Samuel Adams said, “Someday they’ll name a beer after me, and when they do, I’ll be Groping Women.”

Daniel Webster said, “One country, one constitution, one destiny, and hours of Groping Women.”

At Gettysburg, Abraham Lincoln said, “The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget our Groping Women.”

William Tecumseh Sherman said, “War is hell– without Groping Women.”

George Armstrong Custer said, “Where in the hell did all those Groping Women come from?”

Woodrow Wilson said, “The world must be made safe for Groping Women.”

Will Rogers said, “I never met a Woman Groper I didn’t like.”

General George S. Patton said, “No bastard ever won a war dying for his Groping Women. He won it by making the other poor bastard die for his Groping Women.”

FDR said, “We have nothing to fear but Groping Women itself.”

Douglas McArthur said, “I shall return– for Groping Women.”

Harry Truman said, “The Groping Women stops here.”

Dwight D. Eisenhower said, “I think that people want Groping Women so much that one of these days government had better get out of their way and let them have it.”

Albert Einstein said, “”The hardest thing in the world to understand is Groping Women.”

Sigmund Freud said, “Most of men’s problems can be traced to their subconscious feelings about Groping Women.”

John Kennedy said, “Ask not what you can do for your Groping Women.”

Neil Armstrong said, “A small step for man, one giant step for Groping Women.

Barry Goldwater said, “Extremism in the defense of Groping Women is no vice. And moderation in the pursuit of Groping Women is no virtue.”

Vince Lombardi said, “Groping Women isn’t everything.”

Ronald Reagan said, “My fellow Americans. I’m pleased to announce that I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. Groping Women starts in five minutes.”

John Wayne said, “Sure Women have the right to work wherever they want, as long as they have your dinner ready when you get home along with a big helping of Groping Women for dessert.”

Rev. Martin Luther King said, “I had a dream about Groping Women.”

Bill Clinton lied when he said “It depends upon what the meaning of the word ‘Groping Women’ is.”

Charlton Heston said, “Let my Groping Women go.”

At every patriotic rally, Lee Greenwood always sings, “God Bless Groping Women.”

George W. Bush said, “Groping Women Accomplished.”

Not to be outdone, Obama now still insists that only Mean-Spirited Republicans would ever Grope Women.

And Donald Trump says, “We’re making Groping Women Great Again.”