SUNDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2015

Bluegrass Blessings

The holidays are a time for peace on earth, good will towards all men. That’s why on Christmas every year Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo always goes to visit Terry “The Smiling Jailer” Carl at the Kenton County Escape Center and to share Christmas dinner with the less fortunate. The CamBoozler was so touched by his visit last year, he wrote this wonderful Christmas poem, sure to become a classic and be re-told by generations of inmates to come.

‘Twas Christmas in the Jail House,
All the inmates gathered there
Seated round the table
Waiting for their fare.

Enters then the jailer,
And softly to them calls,
“What do you want for Christmas?”
And the inmates answered “Balls!”

Then angry was the jailer,
And he swore by all the gods,
That he’d give no Christmas pudding
To such ungrateful clods.

Then up rose an ancient inmate
And in a voice as hard as brass
Said, “Take your Christmas pudding
And shove it up your ASS!”

Ken CamBoo says he can hardly wait for our Good Friend Kenton Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders’ Eighth Annual Christmas Party at wherever it’s supposed to be, especially since The Whistleblower NoKY Legal Dream Team and the Cabal to Destroy “Crazy Eric Deters (including the Lisa Wells WLW Fan Club) events are once again being combined.

One thing they’ll all be talking about to be sure is how they miss “Crazy Eric” always managing to surface at press events so soon after tragedies occur, particularly if somebody was actually sending The Blower some definitive proof about how he was unethically continuing to solicit clients.

Another Holiday Party The CamBoozler never misses is the Annual World Orgasm for Peace Day Orgy at the Fort Mitchell County Club, co-sponsored by Uptight Bitches in Ft. Mitchell and the Northern Kentucky Cougars’ Association. That godless pagan event is at 11:49 PM EST on December 21, just in time for Druids to celebrate the Winter Solstice. Marvin the Mayan says it was unfortunate the world didn’t come to an end a couple of years ago on December 21 when the Mayans predicted it, because he’s still paying for all that stuff he charged on his Discover card.

Miss Vicki says some people keep asking her if her Big “O” Party at the Fort Mitchell Country Club is “for real,” since they’re not 100% certain World Orgasm for Peace Day, being celebrated on the eve of the Winter Solstice next Saturday is a real event.

And just to get everybody in the mood, Miss Vicki has a couple of videos for us this morning: “The Ever-Popular ‘When Harry Met Sally’ Fake Orgasm Scene” and one that should appeal to all Miss Vicki’s friends in Ft. Mitchell who fake their orgasms, the Funny Lovebites “Fake Orgasm” episode.

 And, tonight is the last night of Hanukkah, which is a good thing, since we’re almost out of potato pancakes left-over from the first night last Sunday.

Finally, IS IT CHRISTMAS YET?

More Bluegrass Blasphemies

            Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says there are still many problems at the nativity scene in Northern Kentucky this Christmas. It’s not for any religious or constitutional reason, but organizers say they simply haven’t been able to find three wise men and a virgin in all of Northern Kentucky. There’s no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

In a related story, the CamBoozler just remembered this recipe for Christmas Cake. Let’s check out the ingredients: 1 cup of water, 1 tsp baking soda, 1 cup of sugar, 1 tsp salt, 1 cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, 4 large eggs, 1 cup nuts, 1 bottle of imported Absolut Plummer Vodka, and 2 cups of dried fruit.

Now let’s sample the Plummer Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Plummer Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar … beat again. At this point, it’s best to make sure the Plummer Vodka is still okay. Try another cup … just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, pick the frigging fruit off floor … mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Plummer Vodka to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt or something. Who giveshz a shit. Check the Plummer Vodka. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through feakin’ the window, Finish the Plummer Vodka and kick the cat. CHERRY MISTMAS!

REMEMBER: If you can’t improve on the news, you shouldn’t even be reporting it.