THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2017

Seediest Kids of All

The Whistleblower’s 27th Annual Seediest Kids of All Campaign (not associated with the Failed United Way) began earlier this week.

We’re featuring some truly inspirational stories about the waifs and urchins we claim to have helped in Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky, just so you’ll believe we actually give a big rat’s ass.

Why don’t we have a more traditional holiday guilt campaign like the rest of the corrupt news media? No charity made our beloved publisher its president in exchange for free publicity and our “endorsement,” we don’t have a fat weatherman turned radio talk-show host who was never actually convicted of beating up his girlfriend, and all the really good dead celebrities other than Harriet Beecher Stowe, “Clean Gene” Ruehlmann, and “BeanBall Jim” Bunning have already been taken.

The Bobby Blevins Story

            Little Bobby Blevins and his family have been living in a van down by the river in Newtown after they ignored safety warnings and their Amazing Chabot Head decorated for the holidays caught fire and incinerated their mobile home. Unfortunately, the voice mail message for the constituency services case worker in Ohio Second Congressional District “Bronze Star” Brad Wenstrup’s office informed the Blevins family that “The Podiatrist Congressman’s” office was closed for the holidays.

            So the Seediest Kids of All (not associated with the Failed United Way) took little Bobby, his parents, and 11 brothers and sisters to Senator Rob “Fighting for Families” Portman’s house on Christmas Day just up the road in Terrace Park, because as The Robster’s holiday e-mail (paid for by the Portman for Senate Committee) said, “Although we face many challenges as a country, I believe the opportunities are even greater if we work together to seize them. Thank you for giving me the chance to serve.”

          While the Blevins brood was having a gay old time visiting with the Portman family, they received a commemorative copper pot engraved with a picture of Rob hugging Mitt Romney after the First Presidential Debate in 2012 as a souvenir of their visit. 

            The Blevins family still lives in a rusted-out van with a Romney bumper sticker down by the river, but at least they know if things ever really get bad, they still have a friend in the U.S. Senate. Plus, thanks to the generosity of the Portman for Senate Campaign, they now have a pot to piss in. The entire Blevins family is grateful to the Seediest Kids of All, but it’s really you they have to thank, because it’s your liberal guilt throughout the year which makes it all possible.