TODAY IS
FRIDAY, JULY 24, 2020
TRUMP’S 1272nd DAY IN OFFICE
AND EVERYBODY’S SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY WHEN OPENING DAY FINALLY ARRIVES FOUR MONTHS LATE AND REDS FANS HAD TO SETTLE FOR GOVERNOR MIKE DEWHINE THROWING OUR A VIRTUAL FIRST PITCH

Today’s “OFFICIAL OPENING DAY” E-dition Has Been Pronounced Officially Dead Because Of The Same Deadly Chinese Kung Flu Virus That Leftists In The Press Are Still Whining About.

Now We’ll Show You Last Year’s “OFFICIAL OPENING DAY HYPE” To See What This Year’s Would’ve Looked Like

It’s Not Yet an Official Holiday

            Opening Day isn’t an official holiday on this year’s calendar, but maybe in Cincinnati it should be, because with all that hype, Thursday will probably be one of the most unproductive local work days of the year. Not only that, COAST is probably still collecting signatures to persuade the City to make Opening Day an official holiday. With enough signatures a referendum could be put on the ballot this November.

 It wasn’t so long ago the Reds were even able to get some really dignified important people to throw out the first pitch (Bush 41, Bush 43, and even Vice President Dick Cheney).  Twelve years ago, the best Señor Bob Castellini could get was Cincinnati’s Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark “Throws Like a Girl” Mallory to become the laughingstock of the entire nation.

Eleven years ago, instead of honoring Joe Nuxhall with the first pitch, Devious DemocRAT Hamilton County Commissioner Odd Todd Opportune tried to bounce the ball up there.

Ten years ago, Jive Records recording artist Nick Lachey threw out the ceremonial first pitch.

Nine years ago, retired Reds TV Broadcaster George Grande had the honor.

Eight years ago, newly retired Cincinnati Police Chief Tom Streicher answered the call from the bullpen.

Seven years ago, Senile Sheriff Si Leis had the honor.

Six years ago, Joe Torre, manager of Team USA in the 2013 World Baseball Classic, threw out the ceremonial first pitch, and everybody was wondering what kind of reception Rob “Fighting for Fungos” Portman would’ve gotten, especially after his recent coming out in favor of gay baseball players during Spring Training.

Five years ago, Cincinnati Reds “Captains” Davy Concepción and Barry Larkin threw out simultaneous first pitches.

Four years ago, the Nasty Boys (Norm Charlton, Rob Dibble, and Randy Myers) three out simultaneous first pitches prior to the Reds vs Pittsburg Pirates Opening Day, sparing everyone in Cincinnati the utter embarrassment of watching the new mayor, Diminutive DemocRAT John Cranley attempt to duplicate Mallory’s illustrious record.

Three years ago, former Reds manager Lou Piniella threw out the ceremonial first pitch, but it might’ve been more fun to see if Sweet Lou could still throw a base into the outfield like he used to do whenever he got mad at the umpires.Operations-North America.

Two years ago, it was all business: David Joyce, president and CEO of GE Aviation, threw out the ceremonial first pitch. Catching the pitch was Joe Allen, GM of GE Global. 

 

Last year, Lawrenceburg, Indiana native Nick Goepper, who won the silver medal in slopestyle (whatever the hell that is) at the recently completed Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang, South Korea) three out the ceremonial first pitch.

 

This year, Reds Hall of Famer Eric Davis will throw out the first pitch and National Baseball Hall of Famer Johnny Bench will receive it.

Hurley the Historian says he remembers when Opening Day in Cincinnati used to be really important, because for decades, the first pitch of every major league season officially took place in Cincinnati and the Reds always hosted Major League Baseball’s first game of the season. That tradition ended when ESPN began broadcasting Sunday Opening Night games in 1994, and soon, like everything else, MLB’s Opening Day could’ve been imported from China. So much for “America’s Pastime,” baseball fans!

Two years ago, the fine folks at Kingsford Charcoal seemed to agree when they said Opening Day used to be a time-honored tradition as old and revered as the league itself. Last year, Opening Day was more like opening week – with games spread across three days. Or, in many cases, the more TV-friendly nighttime slots. This wouldn’t do. So we were asking the powers that be to let TV rule every other night of the season, but let Opening Day remain Opening DAY. 30 Teams. 15 Stadiums. One Glorious Afternoon. Kingsford wanted you to sign their petition to Take Back Opening Day for the 2017 season, but obviously that petition is now closed.

Ever since last year, we didn’t need a petition.  MLB’s most recent Collective Bargaining Agreement, created three to four additional off days for millionaire players throughout the season, which resulted in every team opening on the same day for the first time since 1968.

Meanwhile at the Conservative Agenda, Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane was still talking about that time in 1980 when Kane volunteered to line up publicity for then-26-year old Lexington native Keen Babbage’s legendary 14-day, 430-mile walk from the Rawlings Sporting Goods Company in St. Louis to bring the Opening Day baseball to Riverfront Stadium, so five-year-old Jason Edwards, the March of Dimes Poster Child, could throw out the first pitch to Johnny Bench.” That was before “Hype” became just another four-letter word. (YOU CAN READ THAT STORY HERE)