TODAY IS
THURSDAY, MARCH 21, 2018
Trump’s 790th Day In Office
The Whistleblower’s 61st Annual Seediest Kids of All Campaign (Not Associated With The Failed United Way) Is Now Underway. We’re featuring some truly inspirational stories about the waifs and urchins we claim to have helped in Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky, just so you’ll believe we actually give a big rat’s ass.

Why don’t we have a more traditional holiday guilt campaign like the rest of the news media? No charity made our publisher its president in exchange for free publicity and our endorsement, we don’t have a fat weatherman turned radio talk-show host who was never actually convicted of beating up his girlfriend, and all the really good dead celebrities other than Harriet Beecher Stowe, “Clean Gene” Ruehlmann, and “BeanBall Jim” Bunning have already been taken.           Today’s Seediest Kid of All Is

“Me, Greg” Hartmann, an attention-starved Hyde Park second-grader who was never chosen for anything important, no matter how much he sucked up to everybody at school. The reason everybody called him “Me, Greg,” was because he would always jump up and raise his hand and say, “Me, Me, Me!” But his teacher wouldn’t even let him clean the erasers. Class officers wouldn’t even support him for hall monitor. The principal wouldn’t sign his petition for safety patrol. And the coach wouldn’t even let him dress up in a gerbil suit to be the team mascot.

So the Seediest Kids of All (not affiliated with the Failed United Way) called Temporary Hamilton County GOP Party Boss George Vincent to arrange for an honor truly befitting “Me, Greg’s” talents and abilities, where he could appear as an example of what not to do at a so-called campaign school where losers were brought in to teach future candidates how to run unsuccessful campaigns. Shakedown lobbyists like Chippy Gerhardt and our Felonious Fund-raiser Dickie Weiland tried to get support from their sleazy lobbyist friends in Columbus, Family Friendly Fascist Chris Finney advised “Me, Greg” to call his opponents an asshole, and Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane promised not to hold him up to public ridicule.

The Hartmann family is grateful to the Seediest Kids of All for helping “Me, Greg” reach his true potential, but it’s really you they have to thank, because it’s your liberal guilt giving and over-taxed payers’ dollars throughout the year which makes it all possible.

SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL HOT LINE

e-mail your stories about worthy waifs today.