MONDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2016
Christmas Poems from Bunky Tadwell, the Bard of Cleves
There will be no visit from Santa
You’ll get no presents this year.
The old guy got busted
With a whole sleigh full of beer.
Poor Santa’s in Jail
He’s taken a fall.
For getting too busy
With a cute Barbie doll.
Or Rudolph the Red-Nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose.
All the other reindeer loved him
‘Cause they know he blows.
All the little boys
Will sing a happy song
Because this Christmas
Barbie wears a thong.
Little boys this Christmas
Will surely stand erect
When they learn that Barbie
Is now anatomically correct.
Ol’ Santa made a special stop
At a town up north named Nome
He found a real cute housewife
Whose husband wasn’t home.
She knew just what he wanted
And how much he’d like to tap it.
What she couldn’t quite figure out
Is what to do to wrap it.
Top Ten List
Today, it’s the Top Ten Downtown Council Holiday Events ever held on Fountain Square:
10. WEBN/Toyota Great Christmas Condom Giveaway
9. U-Haul/Northern Kentucky Business Relocation Expo
8. Updating their old Official 2012 Whistleblower/ Smith & Wesson/ TV Coroner Odell Owens Press Conference/ Mark Mallory “Stop the Violence” Billboards/ David A. Pepper “Public Safety is My First Priority/ “JayWalking Joe” Deters This Guy is Scum Murder Count
7. Justice Department Racial Profiling Arab Roundup for Ramadan
6. Hanukkah Harry and Kwanzaa Claus duke it out on Diversity Don’t Mean Crap Day
5. WGRR/Depends Elvis Claus Visit
4. Kleagel Karaoke Kontest
3. Hyatt Celebrity Puke following the World’s Worst Office Party
2. Lesbian Avengers Nutcracker Party
And the number one Downtown Council holiday event on Fountain Square was… World’s Largest Chicken Choking Contest on World Orgasm for Peace Day.
And what would a Whistleblower Christmas be without our annual reading of “Mean Jean’s” Nightmare Before Christmas?
T’was the night before Christmas and all through the House
Ran a tiny harsh woman with flag-plastered blouse.
Senators, Congressmen, all had gone home
Back to their districts, their office and phone.
But not Ohio Rep. Mean Jean
No, she stayed right there,
Screaming and swearing with witchy dark hair.
She went to the floor, to the cameras she turned.
And gave fiery speeches, her colleagues she burned,
She called them all names, said they’d all cut and run,
They should’ve stayed put, until I was done!
“But it’s Christmas,” said Boehner, “their families await,
And a few members left to cheer troops in Kuwait.”
“That’s nonsense,” said Schmidt with her eyes all ablaze
“I wasn’t quite finished, we’ve taxes to raise,
In Ohio we tax all the sugarplum dreams,
We tax all the garlands and cards by the reams
We tax Christmas ornaments, mistletoe, and holly
We tax silver bells and mulled cider, by golly.
“I’ve come to DC to do more of the same,
If it moves we can tax it, then pass all the blame.
It worked in Ohio with Taft as our guide,
It can work in DC, if you’ll just give me a free ride.”
But Boehner, he locked up the Capitol doors,
Jean shouted, “You’re all just political whores!”
This Christmas ol’ Mean Jean’s not back in the district,
She’s locked in the chambers and going ballistic.
Second District families are safe so you see,
For now Christmas spirit is staying tax-free
BTW, Has Anybody Seen What Happened To “Mean Jean” Schmidt’s Web Page?
WHISTLEBLOWER LINK OF THE DAY
OBAMA SINGS “LET IT GROW”
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.