THURSDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2016

Seediest Kids of All

The Whistleblower’s 26th Annual Seediest Kids of All Campaign (not associated with the Failed United Way) began earlier this week.

We’re featuring some truly inspirational stories about the waifs and urchins we claim to have helped in Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky, just so you’ll believe we actually give a big rat’s ass.

Why don’t we have a more traditional holiday guilt campaign like the rest of the corrupt news media? No charity made our beloved publisher its president in exchange for free publicity and our “endorsement” we don’t have a fat weatherman turned radio talk-show host who was never actually convicted of beating up his girlfriend, and all the really good dead celebrities other than Harriet Beecher Stowe, “Clean Gene” Ruehlmann, and “BeanBall Jim” Bunning have already been taken.

The Alan Falfa Story

The holiday season has always been a depressing time for Alan Falfa and his family, because there’s never enough money to buy Christmas presents.

So the Seediest Kids of All (not associated with the Failed United Way) sent over an electric train for Alan, an electric saw for Alan’s father so he can get some part-time work as a scab concrete worker on the doomed Cincinnati Streetcar Construction Team, an electric blanket to keep Alan’s arthritic grandmother warm on cold winter nights, and an electric hair dryer for Alan’s 15-year-old sister Missy, so she can look nice when she goes out with that decrepit former Channel 9 sportscaster who promised her a job as an intern at the station after Horny in Hebron’s favorite massage parlor in Covington was padlocked.

The Falfa family has you to thank, since it’s your liberal guilt giving throughout the year which makes it all possible. Now if those heartless bastards from Duke Energy don’t turn off the Falfa Family’s electricity on Christmas Eve like they do every year, things will be a whole lot merrier.