SATURDAY, AUGUST 13, 2016

These Fictitious People Still Sound A Lot Like Some People We Know

         Here’s another column featuring the same sleazy 1980s characters at the satirical Patronage County Courthouse, to illustrate things going on hereabouts these days, so our Persons of Consequence might gain yet another useful perspective on the news.

These articles are Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as the struggling columnist below who shares his acute and surprisingly accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.

“We’re Ferguson Free” By James Jay Schifrin

         This week our Patronage County Commissioners were talking about all that Biased News Coverage for that Race Riot two years ago in Ferguson, Missouri.

“It was only the fifth full-blown Race Riot since Obama was first elected,” declared Commissioner Filch. “I thought things like that weren’t supposed to happen in America with a Black Man in the White House.”

“That sort of thing isn’t likely to happen around here,” interrupted Commissioner Swindle. “Sheriff Buford Flogg declared Patronage County a ‘Looting-Free’ Zone, and he can’t wait to show off his new Army Surplus Tank in the upcoming Labor Day Parade.”

         “Don’t forget our Employment Numbers,” pointed out Commissioner Pilfer.

“You’re right, Pilfer. All our employed residents have little reason to riot,” explained Commissioner Swindle.

“Our Patronage County Schools turn out some well-behaved young people,” added Commissioner Filch. “Those that don’t go to college are still ready to work.”

“Attendance at Patronage County churches is at an all-time high,” said Commissioner Swindle, “And our teenage pregnancies are at an all time low.”

“Is that the reason we don’t have to worry about Race Riots in Patronage County?” asked Commissioner Pilfer.

“That and the fact that we just don’t let any Black people live here in Diversity Free Patronage County,” said Commission Swindle.

         This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.