Your Official Publication of Record For The Conservative Agenda

Originally Published on Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers

During the 2012 Olympics in London, please don’t remind voters how Obama was humiliated in 2009 when Olympics Officials “just said no” after he and Michelle demanded the 2016 O-lympics be given to Chicago. —Obama Supporters in the Press

Obama’s failure to grab the gold in his personal quest to send the 2016 Olympics to Chicago was a stunning setback for a president who had until then enjoyed a pop star reception abroad. —Fox News

Obama’s arrogance turned off the IOC. —The Danish News

Obama got what he deserved. —Karl Rove

Wasn’t it all the TEA Party’s fault? —ABC’s Biased Reporters Brian Ross and George Stephanopoulos

Obama’s statement after losing the 2016 Olympics was not a real load of crap. —Obama’s $172,000-per-year Spokes Dweeb Jay Cardboard

Obama’s rejection on the world stage because he failed to bring the 2016 Olympics to Chicago will be nothing compared to the pain he feels when the polls close in “97” more days. —Mitt Romney, from his unprecedented fund-raiser in Israel

How’s this for campaign strategy: The White House just told us to call Romney a “Wimp.” —Newsweak Magazine

Even as the U.S. National Debt approached $16 Trillion, House Republicans have no plans to move forward this week on a catch-all spending bill to avert the government shutdown. Congress will instead leave town for a five-week recess without voting on a continuing resolution or even introducing it. —GOP House Speaker John Boehner

On this date in 1975, Teamsters Union Goon Jimmy Hoffa went missing, but he’s still registered as a DemocRAT. — Hurley the Historian

That’s why we chose Dave Barry’s “Florida’s number three industry, behind tourism and skin cancer, is voter fraud.” —Your Quote for Today Committee

Just like everywhere else in the country, Disgruntled DemocRATS are less enthusiastic about voting this year. —Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders

Even though we already spend more per student than 98% of Ohio’s school districts, we are in violation of Ohio law by having six schools that have failed to submit the required safety plans and floor plans that would help emergency personnel in a school emergency. If only we had even more money. — Princeton School Board

We believe this calls for the under-taxed residents of the Princeton School District to pass another big property tax increase. —Republicans for Higher Taxes

We would be happy to endorse another big property tax hike. —2008 Tax Hiker of the Year Virg “the Scourge” Lovitt and “Royal Doyle” Webster

I’ll also endorse another property tax just like I endorsed the last two. Say, is there any correlation between all these property tax hikes I’ve been endorsing and the fact 2/3 of the building I “manage” is vacant? —Julie “Campaign Expert” Matheny

When we say we’re going to consider “merit pay increases” for top employees, will that include unqualified political hack soon-to-be ex wives of party chairmen like Jennifer Triantafilou who are incapable of performing their jobs at all? —Greed Township Trustees

I can’t wait for Republicans for Higher Taxes to write more about my long-time support for the Cincinnati streetcar project!” —Sean Donovan

It’s a good thing the Reds didn’t win 20 games in a row, or I’d have to let the Ghost of Marge Schott shave my balls. —Marty Brennaman

Here’s the latest Olympics medal count, if anybody gives a big rat’s ass. —Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall

Please don’t ask how much I’m still ranking in from my 2012 Olympics scam. —Nick Vehr

Tomorrow will be “Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day,” and in Cincinnati everybody’s wondering when Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory will be calling his Extreme Liberal Clown-cil back into session to pass a resolution to ban Chick-Fil-A from opening up any more restaurants within the city limits, especially after a few other gay-loving Liberal Big City Mayors threw a hissy fit when the restaurant’s president Dan Cathy stated his support for “traditional marriage.” —Gay Wads at City Hall

We used to think all Liberals supported the First Amendment. We must’ve been wrong. —First Amendment Attorneys

I can’t wait to try Chick-Fil-A’s new homophobic sandwich, when its “Queer-Hatin” Cordon Bleu’ goes on sale. —Phil Burr-Ass, the Queen City’s Homo Hater in Chief

If it’s too crowded to get into the Chick-Fil-A in Anderson tomorrow, would it be OK just to masturbate in the parking lot? —Anderson Trustee Kevin “Spanky” O’Brien

Are the only two Chick-Fil-A locations in Northern Kentucky on Houston Road in Florence and at the Airport? —Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo

Don’t forget, the same-sex kiss-in protest is scheduled for Friday. —Whistleblower Alternate Life-Styles Contributors Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis

Sarah Palin likes Chick-Fil-A. —Northern Kentucky TEA Partiers

We wish we had a Chick-Fil-A so we could boycott it. —Gay Students at NKU

I like watching Lesbians make out. —Horny in Hebron

Trish the Dish says the chicken tasted better before she knew it was basted in hate and homophobia. —Channel 19 News

Sheree Paolello says the Waffle Potato Fries at Chick-Fil-A are really delicious. —Jack Atherton

— Whistleblower Official Weekly Disclaimer —

Sometimes The Blower makes fun of political boycotts to show that trying to ruin somebody’s business is not acceptable in our society. This should be clear to anybody who has figured out that political boycotts just don’t work.

This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental, especially people who publicly join a boycott just for the publicity.

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