THURSDAY, AUGUST 4, 2016

Today, jokewriters all over America are having a tough time coming up with material that’s any funnier than the straight lines Donald Trump has been using.

Meanwhile, This Week On Late Night TV on So Far This Week,

• Donald Trump had yet another awkward moment today. Apparently there was a crying baby at one of his rallies, and Trump actually kicked it out, saying, “Get the baby out of here.” It backfired when the Secret Service tried to remove Trump.
• Hillary Clinton said this weekend that she’s going to be at all the presidential debates, despite Trump protesting the schedule. Hillary said that even if Trump doesn’t show, she’s changed her positions enough that she can just debate herself.
• There are now less than 100 days left until the presidential election. Or you could say, there are now less than 100 days left … period.
• I saw that Apple CEO Tim Cook will hold a fundraiser later this month for Hillary Clinton. He had a long list of terms and conditions for the event, but Hillary just said “Agree!” without really reading them.

• President Obama piled on this morning, saying in a press conference he feels Trump is unfit to be president. America’s first black president is begging you not to elect America’s first orange one.
• Trump himself seems to be aware of the shifts in public opinion which is why it seems like he’s already building an excuse for a loss by saying the November election will probably be rigged. Former Democratic candidate Al Gore weighed in, saying, “Yeah, we wouldn’t want that to happen!”
• If Donald Trump was a teenager he definitely would be the kid who turns the Nintendo off the second he starts losing at Mario Kart.

• He’s even picking fights with fellow Republicans. He refused to endorse Arizona Sen. John McCain, refused to endorse Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, even though both endorsed him. It’s like “The Real Housewives of Orange-Face County.”
• According to multiple reports, Donald Trump’s campaign staff is becoming extremely frustrated by his behavior and his unwillingness to stay on message during the cam campaign. I don’t blame them — who could have ever guessed he would do something like this? He’s usually so low-key.
• The head of the Republican National Committee, Reince Priebus, is said to be absolutely furious. They say he has not been this angry since he found out his name was Reince Priebus.
• Hillary Clinton supporters had a fundraiser tonight at a cyber security convention in Las Vegas; all the proceeds will go toward teaching Hillary how to use her email account.
• Today Donald Trump came up with a new nickname for Hillary Clinton, “The Devil.” I like how he says “it’s true,” as if he traveled to Hell and confirmed it himself.
• Calling your opponent the devil, that’s going to be tough to reel back in if he loses and has to make a concession speech. “Today I called the devil and congratulated her on her victory. I’m disappointed but we now unite behind our president the devil.”
• Trump tweeted a photograph last night showing him feasting on Kentucky Fried Chicken with a knife and fork. And a spoon, even. What’s more relatable than a man in a suit eating fried chicken with utensils on board his private jumbo jet?
• I don’t know who’s advising him. Who eats KFC with a knife and fork? I don’t even need a plate. The reason it comes in a bucket is you don’t need anything. All you need is a face to eat KFC.
• The New York Post yesterday published several nude photos of Melania Trump that were taken during her modeling days. Trump’s communications adviser said the photos are a “celebration of the human body as art.” To me they look more like a celebration of the human body as a paycheck, but OK — art.
• In any other election, nude photos of the candidate’s wife would be far and away the biggest story of the campaign. It would be crazy. For Donald Trump this isn’t even a blip. By Wednesday we’ll never hear about this again.
• This isn’t the first time they’ve done something like this. I remember many, many, many years back when they pulled the same move with Eleanor Roosevelt. Bernie Sanders has a copy of that hidden under his mattress.

• In the last 24 hours, Donald Trump has refused to endorse Republican leaders up for re-election, accused John McCain of failing veterans, suggested Americans pull their 401(k)s out of the stock market, threw out a crying baby at a rally, fought with the father of a dead soldier, and suggested President Obama was responsible for the death of troops during George W. Bush’s time in office. Said voters, “Yeah, but I’m not sure I trust Hillary Clinton.”
• Top Republican fundraiser and Hewlett-Packard executive Meg Whitman released a statement saying that she will break with her party and support Hillary Clinton. She wanted to release the statement three days ago, but her printer kept jamming.
• When asked about possibly running for future office despite his age, Vice President Joe Biden this weekend told interviewers that if he didn’t know how old he really was, he’d guess he’s 44. And if he didn’t know what time it was, he’d guess it’s Miller Time.
• Eric Trump appeared on CBS “This Morning” today and defended his father’s ongoing feud with the family of a veteran, saying, “What I think this country needs is a fighter.” And to Donald Trump’s credit, he did bravely fight off all five of the Army’s attempts to draft him.
• It is being reported that two senior aides were recently fired from the Donald Trump campaign. “Oh no, which two?!” yelled Eric and Donald Jr.
• Vice President Joe Biden yesterday performed a same-sex wedding for a pair of longtime White House staffers. Said the staffers, “But we’re just friends!”
• Yesterday Donald Trump said of The New York Times, “They don’t know how to write good.” When told that it should be “well,” Trump said, “Oh, sorry — WELL, they don’t know how to write good.”
• Many veterans’ families are speaking out against Donald Trump after he began attacking the parents of a Muslim-American soldier, calling Trump repugnant. Said Trump, “I’m the most repugnant. No one is more repugnant than me. Real quick, what does repugnant mean?”
• After Army father Khizr Khan’s convention speech in which he pulled out a pocket-sized copy of the Constitution, sales on Amazon have skyrocketed, making it the second most purchased book. The first is “How to Move to Canada.”
• A pocket Constitution is perfect for Trump, because it will look regular sized in his tiny hands.
• Trump was asked about his cozy relationship with Vladimir Putin and claimed unbelievably that he couldn’t even remember if he’d met Putin or not. Yeah, no offense, but I think I want a president who would remember meeting Vladimir Putin. How many shark-eyed shirtless equestrians do you know?
• Mike Pence is finding out that being Trump’s VP is like being a fireman who has an arsonist as a roommate.

• Remember a few months ago when future former President Barack Obama got Iran to release four American prisoners? Well, it turns out he forgot to tell us about a small shipping and handling fee. Because as the prisoners were freed, $400 million was flown to Iran on a plane loaded with cash. Don’t you hate it when you’re on an airplane and you get stuck sitting next to $400 million? You don’t know who gets the armrest.
• This week Trump attacked a Gold Star family, seemed happy about getting a Purple Heart as a gift — ’cuz it was so much easier than EARNING one — and appeared to feud with a crying baby at a campaign rally. Things have gotten so bad that Trump’s allies are plotting an intervention. An intervention! “They love you Donald, and the first step to recovery is admitting that YOU’RE the problem.”
• I’m guessing this is just wishful thinking, but senior GOP officials are exploring options if Trump drops out. In fact, top Republicans have been seen standing outside Mitt Romney’s house holding boom boxes.
• A lot of people are talking about Donald Trump and Russia now. And not just because of how much he resembles Russian dressing.
• This entire campaign, Trump’s made us forget about his crazy statements by saying something even crazier. It’s the like the old woman who swallowed a fly, only Trump would never be seen with an older woman.
• Last Thursday at the Democrat convention, the parents of a fallen U.S. soldier criticized Donald Trump, and over the weekend, he repeatedly lashed out at them — which got me thinking, is there anyone Donald Trump won’t attack if they say bad things about him? 

More Political Posters With Punch Lines

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