SUNDAY, MAY 29, 2016

More Politics Unusual

HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1953 New Zealand beekeeper Sir Edmund Hillary reached the summit of Mt. Everest, but years later Hillary Clinton got caught lying when she claimed she’d been named for the famous mountain climber, since she’d already been born in 1947, and at that time, nobody had ever heard of Sir Edmund, other than a few New Zealand bees.

MAYBE THAT’S WHY OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose Hillary’s “What difference at this point does it make?”

OUR LATE NIGHT TV JOKEWATCHER liked Jimmy Fallon’s: After Hillary Clinton declined to debate Bernie Sanders this month, there’s now talk that Bernie might debate Donald Trump. No word on what the debate will be on, but I’m guessing mute. Donald Trump’s campaign accidentally sent a reporter an email with details about how Trump was going to attack Hillary Clinton. Or as Trump put it, “Wow, another Hillary email scandal. Sad.” A new survey asked Americans which candidate they’d want to sit next to on a plane and 37 percent chose Donald Trump. Meanwhile, the other 63 percent missed their flight waiting in the TSA line. When Trump heard that, he was like, “What does ‘sit next to someone on a plane’ mean? Did their private jet break, or something?” It’s being reported the Obama family is planning to move into a nine-bedroom mansion in Washington, D.C., after the president leaves office. I guess he wants to be close enough to drive by the White House every morning and shout, “Sucks, doesn’t it?”

Jimmy Kimmel says the Secret Service had to sweep our building for the second day today. I’ve had so many pat-downs this week, one of the Secret Service guys told me to get checked because I had a lump. Bernie Sanders needs a big win in the California primary. Right now he and Hillary Clinton are in a dead heat. Not so great. Older people sometimes die in the heat. It would be pretty crazy if he somehow wins this thing. On his first day in office, my vision of him on day one is him stacking up all the money on Wall Street and burning it like the Joker in “The Dark Knight.”

Seth Meyers says Donald Trump, today, officially clinched the Republican nomination, which means he’s one step closer to moving into the smallest house he’s ever lived in. Obama today spoke at the G7 summit in Japan. Bernie Sanders was like, “G7?! Bingo!” The Huffington Post has put out a new article on a Chinese factory that makes Donald Trump masks. And now Eric and Donald Jr. take turns wearing it and saying, “I love you, son.”

And Stephen Colbert says Hillary Clinton has said she absolutely will not be debating Bernie Sanders anymore. So today, Trump announced that he will debate Bernie Sanders. Two angry New Yorkers shouting at each other — it’ll be like the whole country is trapped in a subway car! Immediately after Trump offered to debate him, Bernie responded by tweeting, “Game on.” Sounds like he’s accepting, but he is an old guy, so he might have just been trying to tell the computer to open solitaire. Not entirely sure. Now, Trump did put one condition on the debate: raise $10-$15 million for women’s health issues. I’m guessing, “The Donald Trump Foundation for Women Who Aren’t Anywhere Near a ’10,’ They’re Like a ‘5’ Tops.”

NOW HERE’S THE LATEST FROM BUNKY TADWELL (OUR ODIOUS OCTEGENARIAN), THE BARD OF CLEVES:  “Just in time for the sweltering summer, we found this passionate poem by our old friend Bunky Tadwell, the Bard of Cleves, from his latest book, “Summer Sex Scandals,” found in better bookstores everywhere, except in Cleves. 

           “Summer Sensuality”
            Oh, the weather’s getting warmer
            The nights are hot and sultry.
            That’s when the minds of men
            Turn lightly to adultery.

WHISTLEBLOWER SUMMER INTERN PROGRAM:  May 29 was the final day to email applications for the summer term which runs June 1 through August 21. Applicants must either be tri-state residents attending an accredited college or university in or outside of Ohio or Kentucky. Applicants must also have completed a full academic year by the end of the internship. Participants are expected to commit to a minimum of 20 hours per week of program-related work over the internship.

Applicants must also submit a 1,000-word-or-less essay on “Why it’s OK to Make Fun of Politicians.”

Applications can also be submitted for the fall term: August 25– November 14, 2015

IN THIS WEEK’S COLUMN FROM PATRONAGE COUNTY TITLED TITLED “THANKS FOR THE MEMORIAL,” everybody was getting ready for the big upcoming Memorial Day Weekend, and our three Corrupt County Commissioners were talking about how they were going exploit the occasion, as if there was ever a holiday they wouldn’t exploit.  This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.

OUR MEANWHILE, OUR MUCKRAKER says he was really surprised to hear there’s only been a single shooting incident so far at this year’s Distaste of Cincinnati.

LIBERAL LUNACY: In Human Events’ “365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy,” No. 258 – Tell a joke: Q. What’s the difference between ObamaCare and a car battery? A. The car battery has a positive side.

JOHN GALT says “It only stands to reason that where there’s sacrifice, there’s someone collecting the sacrificial offerings. Where there’s service, there is someone being served. The man who speaks to you of sacrifice is speaking of slaves and masters, and intends to be the master.”

WHISTLEBLOWER SENIOR BUSINESS EDITOR MERRILL FORBES says, Stocks rose Friday to wrap up their strongest week in almost three months. Banks gained ground after Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen said the central bank intends to keep raising interest rates provided the economy continues to improve.

THE FREE GRAIN PARTY still stands as the last refuge of anyone who’s willing to help himself from the stores of others, and the heat must be getting to Bernie Sanders, now Free Grain Party Members will be watching Bernie’s Big Battle for California on June 7.

Free Grain Party Members include all DemocRATS, RINO Republicans, some TEA Partiers, quite a few Independents, disgruntled postal workers, senior citizens demanding free prescriptions, those who believe bigger government is the answer to all their problems, everybody who said “what Bill Clinton did was indefensible, but he shouldn’t be removed from office,” and those who think pork-barrel spending is OK as long as their district gets the money.

Unfortunately, that group probably doesn’t include all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and get all of their information from our Obama Supporters in the Press.

FINALLY, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane if he really planned to attend his Anderson High School class reunion next Saturday. “Sure,” Kane said. “As long as you don’t ask the year we graduated.”

Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 742 different websites for the production of today’s Blower, many of our filches were from our friends at Weasel Zippers.

 THE SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL

Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible.

                 SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL HOT LINE
e-mail your stories about worthy waifs today.AND COMING UP IN “THE WEEK THAT WILL BE”:

MONDAY (MAY 30) The Blower will be celebrating Memorial Day, but we’ll still be continuing to count down the 235 Days of Dishonesty for the rest of the nation remaining during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, unless the First Black President in History is impeached.

TUESDAY (MAY 31) will be our “Post-Memorial Day Stress” E-dition and our “Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers” will be seeking some relief.

WEDNESDAY (JUNE 1) we might publish our More Memorializing” E-dition, because one day each year just isn’t enough.

THURSDAY (JUNE 2) we’ll l be checking to see if any of our Republicans in Congress are planning to censure Obama for Apologizing Fir Winning WW II.   

THE FIRST LINE OF FRIDAY’S (JUNE 3) LIMERICK IS “Paying nearly three dollars for a gallon of gas.”

AND SATURDAY (JUNE 4) we’ll be seeing if Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane enters the karaoke contest during the so-called entertainment portion following his Anderson High School Reunion Dinner.

Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially when Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artist Conception gets a progress report on how much the Trolley Folly will really cost from Cincinnati’s Stupid Streetcar Six.

WEEK IN REVIEW HOT LINE

e-mail your revolutionary recaps today

Some political score-keeping items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally political score-keeping subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more. 

Today’s Whistleblower Video

Full Speech: Donald Trump Speaks at Rolling Thunder Memorial Day Event (5-29-16)

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