THURSDAY, MAY 26, 2016

Today, jokewriters all over America are looking for material on Hillary’s Untrustworthy Ratings.

Meanwhile, This Week On Late Night TV

I saw that today, Donald Trump held a big rally in New Mexico. Which is weird, since he’s spent his whole campaign promising to ban NEW Mexicans.
Trump criticized Hillary Clinton over the weekend, claiming that her views are “just words” read off a teleprompter. But Hillary denied it, saying, “I’ve had these speeches memorized since I was six.”
Bernie said yesterday that his critics call him “Santa Claus” because of his white hair. Then Santa said, “Yeah — even I don’t promise people THAT much free stuff.”
It’s reported that Donald Trump may have actually done business with the mob … even has ties to an ex-convict named Joey No Socks. When asked about his relationship with Trump, Joey No Socks said, “That’s between me and Donny Three Wives.”
There was a brief security scare yesterday when some party balloons drifted over the White House fence. The White House staff were pretty worried, especially when they saw Obama tying those balloons to a lawn chair.

A new government report reveals that Hillary Clinton ignored the State Department rules about cybersecurity. The report states that Hillary’s recklessness, arrogance, and defiance could get her the Republican presidential nomination.
Yesterday, a female judge ruled that Bill Cosby must stand trial. Cosby said to the judge, “Can we talk about this over a drink?”
Chairman of the Republican National Committee Reince Priebus blasted Hillary Clinton on Twitter for using “bad judgment.” Priebus said, “I haven’t seen judgment this bad since my parents named me Reince Priebus.”
Donald Trump is floating another conspiracy theory which suggests that Hillary Clinton is a murderer. Today Bill Clinton said, “Trust me, if that lady could kill, I would not be alive.”
Several former contestants from the show “The Biggest Loser” are suing the show for abuse. The contestants said, “We were completely unprepared for being mistreated when we signed up to be on a show called ‘The Biggest Loser.'”
The extremist militant religious group the Taliban has appointed a new leader. So congratulations, Ted Cruz!
Donald Trump is now ahead of Hillary Clinton in the polls. This was reported today in The Washington Post, and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelation.
Donald Trump is holding his first-ever campaign fundraiser but says he’s only doing it because the Republican Party asked him to. Yeah. Trump thought he should do this for the Republican Party, since he turned down their first request: Don’t be our candidate.
A recent survey found that Donald Trump is polling very badly among Asian-Americans. After hearing this, Trump said, “That’s odd, I haven’t even gotten around to insulting them yet. I got great material on them.”
Troubling news for Hillary Clinton. The FBI says as part of its investigation of Hillary Clinton’s emails, it may call her in to speak to them. No word yet on how much Hillary’s planning to charge. Could be as much as three grand, $300,000.
Donald Trump tweeted that a Hillary Clinton presidency would be “four more years of stupidity.” As opposed to a Trump presidency, which would be one year of stupidity followed by three years of war with Mexico.
Hillary Clinton’s new campaign slogan is “Stronger Together.” Which replaces her old slogan, “Goddammit, It’s My Turn!”
Yesterday, a North Korean official turned down an offer by Donald Trump to visit the country and meet with Kim Jong Un, saying the offer is “propaganda” and “nonsense.” This doesn’t make Trump look good. You know you’re in trouble when the leader of North Korea is like, “I can’t associate myself with that guy.”
Trump got turned down for a meeting with Kim Jong Un. So I guess his search for a vice president isn’t going so well. Seriously, how do you get denied by North Korea?

Trump won a primary last night. He got 76 percent. Kasich got 9.8 percent. Somehow Kasich is doing better since he dropped out.
The latest NBC/Wall Street Journal poll has found that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have nearly opposite results with rural voters compared to urban voters, with Clinton leading Trump by 25 percent in cities, and Trump beating Clinton by 31 percent in places where he wouldn’t be caught dead.
At a rally in California yesterday, Bernie Sanders said that if he winds up being the Democratic nominee, “Donald Trump is toast.” Incidentally, “toast” is also what Donald Trump’s tanning bed is set to.
President Obama signed legislation this week that replaced the term “Eskimo” in all federal laws with the phrase “Alaska Native.” “Fine, I’ll have seven Alaska Native pies,” said Chris Christie.
Bernie Sanders today campaigned in California just a few miles from Disneyland. Either that, or Grumpy was on a lunch break.
In an interview last night, Bernie Sanders talked about the chaotic primary season, saying, “Democracy is messy. Every day my life is messy.” Which is exactly the kind of comment you’d expect from a guy who always looks like he just rolled down a hill.
The NRA on Friday endorsed Donald Trump for president. I guess that reaffirms their commitment to absolutely zero background checks.
The White House went into lockdown yesterday after several balloons drifted onto the property. Even worse, Bernie Sanders’ house was attached to them.
A new poll shows that almost half of registered voters say they would consider a third-party candidate as an alternative to Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump. A third-party candidate is a little bit like a Tinder date. You think to yourself, what have I got to lose? Can’t be worse than my ex.
The Trump campaign is about to launch a secret plan to attack Hillary Clinton over the Whitewater scandal from the ’90s. We know he’s going to do this because they accidentally emailed the secret plan to a reporter. Which means that, shockingly, Hillary Clinton might be the candidate who’s second worst while using email.
The State Department finally released their report on her use of a private email server. They found that she did not ask permission, and if she had, the answer would have been no. Which is one of the top reasons to not ask permission, by the way.
Even when you do give Hillary Clinton a clear “no,” what she hears is, “Try again in eight years.”