SUNDAY, MAY 22 , 2016

More Politics Unusual

HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says today in 1856, Southern Congressman Preston Brooks savagely beat Northern Senator Charles Sumner with his cane in the halls of Congress as tensions rose over the expansion of slavery. Don’t you wish our Congressmen today showed the same spirit?

THAT’S WHY OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose Obama’s “We need to recognize that the situation in Ferguson speaks to broader challenges that we still face as a nation.

OUR LATE NIGHT TV JOKEWATCHER liked Jimmy Fallon’s: The New York Times just did a big profile on Donald Trump, and revealed that he has life-sized portraits of Ronald Reagan and John Wayne at his campaign headquarters. And if you don’t see them right away, it’s because they’re right behind a 25-foot tall portrait of Donald Trump. For the third year in a row, Washington, D.C., was named the fittest city in American, mainly because Michelle Obama goes around slapping pizza out of everyone’s hands.

Seth Meyers said: Vice President Joe Biden today urged Americans to have an uncomfortable conversation about race relations. And he would know, because he’s had lots of them. Despite her promises to be tough on Wall Street, a new report has found that groups supporting Hillary Clinton have received $25 million from the financial industry using so-called shadow banks. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders has received a new waffle iron for opening a savings account.

Stephen Colbert said: Ed Rendell tried to help Hillary Clinton by attacking her opponent, saying, “Trump’s comments, like ‘you can’t be a 10 if you’re flat-chested,’ will come back to haunt him.” And then Rendell helpfully added, “There are probably more ugly women in America than attractive women. People take that stuff personally.” Yep, I have a feeling a lot of women are about to take that really personally…One of the ways that Trump is treating the convention like a reality show is holding off announcing his running mate. As one Trumpling said, “Announcing the vice-presidential nominee before the convention is like announcing the winner of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ before the final show is on the air.” It’s an apt metaphor, because this year’s Republican convention will be the series finale of America.

NOW HERE’S THE LATEST FROM BUNKY TADWELL (OUR ODIOUS OCTEGENARIAN), THE BARD OF CLEVES: Just in time for what used to be the Drive-in Movie Season, we found this licentious limerick by our old friend Bunky Tadwell, the Bard of Cleves, from his latest book, “Remembering When,” found in better bookstores everywhere, except in Cleves.

  “Springtime Surprise”
            A no-bra blouse
          No underpants
          A fleeting breeze
          Its favor grants.

IN THIS WEEK’S COLUMN FROM PATRONAGE COUNTY TITLED TITLED “Patriotic Politicians,” Armed Forces Day was fast approaching, and at the Patronage County Courthouse our three publicity obsessed county commissioners had called in noted Spin Doctor Freddie Flacker, to ensure the public saw them as the most patriotic politicians in history. This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.

OUR MEANWHILE, OUR MUCKRAKER says he was really surprised to hear about all those reports of voter fraud during the Kentucky DemocRAT Primary Elections last Tuesday.

LIBERAL LUNACY: In Human Events’ “365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy,” #149 is name the three shortest books in the world:

“How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Rahm Emanuel
“Humility and Its Virtues” by Barack Obama
And “What the Constitution Means to Me” by Nancy Pelosi

JOHN GALT says “Happiness is possible only to a rational man, the man who desires nothing but rational goals, seek nothing but rational values and finds his joy in nothing but rational actions. “

WHISTLEBLOWER SENIOR BUSINESS EDITOR MERRILL FORBES says, Stocks were indicated to open modestly in the green on Friday, but the major indexes appeared set to end this week in the red, the 4th week in a row of negative closes for the S&P 500. Weak earnings, mixed economic data and renewed Fed concerns are all at play in driving this market.

THE FREE GRAIN PARTY still stands as the last refuge of anyone who’s willing to help himself from the stores of others, and the heat must be getting to Bernie Sanders, now that more and more DemocRATS who were once sympathetic are urging him to drop out of the race and let Hillary Clinton just get on with her coronation. Sanders made a run for the border Saturday, but it’s not clear if he was trying to make it to Venezuela to run for president there instead, let in more Democrat voters, or just say hi on his way to a campaign event in California.

Free Grain Party Members include all DemocRATS, RINO Republicans, some TEA Partiers, quite a few Independents, disgruntled postal workers, senior citizens demanding free prescriptions, those who believe bigger government is the answer to all their problems, everybody who said “what Bill Clinton did was indefensible, but he shouldn’t be removed from office,” and those who think pork-barrel spending is OK as long as their district gets the money.

Unfortunately, that group probably doesn’t include all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and get all of their information from our Obama Supporters in the Press.

FINALLY, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane if he had really been offered an honorary knighthood from Queen Elizabeth II when she and the Royal Family were in Kentucky twenty-five years ago this weekend, like it said in Edition #51 of the Whistleblower. “Of course,” Kane explained. “You know everything you read in The Blower is true.” Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception shows us Prince Charles dubbing Kane thrice at the ceremony in Lexington.

Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 742 different websites for the production of today’s Blower, many of our filches were from our friends at Weasel Zippers.

THE SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL

Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible.

SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL HOT LINE
e-mail your stories about worthy waifs today.

AND COMING UP IN “THE WEEK THAT WILL BE”:

MONDAY (MAY 23) The Blower will be watching Obama embarrass America on his latest Apology Tour to the Orient, but we’ll still be continuing to count down the 242 Days of Dishonesty for the rest of the nation remaining during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, unless the First Black President in History is impeached.

TUESDAY (MAY 24) we’ll be staying up late to see if Ohio Governor John Kasich gets any delegates in the Republican Presidential Primary in Washington (the state not the city) and our “Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers” will report the latest voting trends.

WEDNESDAY (MAY 25) we’ll checking to see when Anderson Trustee Andy Pappas plans to start his campaign for Hamilton County Commissioner.

THURSDAY (MAY 26) we’ll l be checking to see if any of our Republicans have summoned up the courage to use the “I-Word.”

THE FIRST LINE OF FRIDAY’S (MAY 27) LIMERICK IS “Each year at the Taste of the ‘Natti.”

AND SATURDAY (MAY 28) we’ll be seeing just how patriotic we can be during the Memorial Day Weekend.

Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Tim Burka. Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception shows our Hamilton County Demo-Labor Party Boss concentrating on winning all those down-ticket races this year.

WEEK IN REVIEW HOT LINE
e-mail your revolutionary recaps today

Some political score-keeping items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally political score-keeping subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.

Today’s Whistleblower Video
How To Make Your Own Trump At Home

Did you ever want to ruin the Republican Party at home? NOW YOU CAN! Cook up your very own Donald Trump by following this VERY easy how-to! Thanks to this step-by-step process, you’ll have a restaurant quality blowhard-narcissist-GOP-nominee before you can say “MEXICO WILL PAY FOR IT!”

Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.