THURSDAY, MAY 19, 2016

Today, jokewriters all over America are looking for material out of the way Mrs. Bill Clinton declined to defend Slick Willie’s “honor” after Trump linked the ex-president to “rape” claiming the Republican is trying to pull her down to his “level.”

Meanwhile, This Week On Late Night TV

• In a recent interview, “Shark Tank” host Mark Cuban predicted that if Donald Trump is elected, it would be bad news for Wall Street. And in related news, Donald Trump just got endorsed by Bernie Sanders.
• Last night, Fox premiered its new reality dating show “Coupled.” I watched it for 10 minutes and I thought, these two are not going to make it. Then I realized I was watching the Megyn Kelly-Donald Trump interview.
• I read that a new super PAC is actually trying to convince Amish people to vote for Donald Trump. And those people were like, “We’re not Amish – we just got rid of our TV’s so we could stop hearing about Donald Trump.”
• Donald Trump’s ex-girlfriend says her quotes in the New York Times expose this week were twisted to sound negative, but that she didn’t have a negative experience with Trump. Then she said, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go drive the new Porsche I can suddenly afford.”
• A New York Times exposé on Donald Trump reveals some pretty questionable interactions with women. Including claims that when Trump ran the Miss USA Pageant, he would frequently rate women’s appearances right to their faces while they just stood there. Which is really sexist. And also pretty much the definition of any beauty pageant.
• The article makes the point that Donald Trump has hired many women to run his businesses and even quotes him as saying, “A good woman is better than 10 good men.” And Hillary was like, “Thanks for the new campaign slogan.”
• A restaurant in Lithuania is stirring up controversy by displaying a mural on its wall that shows Donald Trump kissing Vladimir Putin. Trump said he’s not mad that it shows him kissing a man, he’s mad that it shows him kissing someone over 40.
• A group of alleged mobsters were just arrested in New York and their nicknames included Grandpa, Baldy, Lazy Eye and Fat Sal. Which are the same nicknames Trump gave his possible running mates.

• Megyn Kelly interviewed Donald Trump last night. The important thing is that wounds have been healed, which is good. It was difficult to watch Donald and her fight. It’s hard to watch a fight between two people with such similar hair styles.
• It seems Donald Trump is integrating himself into the Republican Party establishment, and making amends with those he steamrolled during the race, including the increasingly sleepy Dr. Ben Carson.
• On the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders won Oregon. It’s funny with Oregon. If recreational marijuana is legal in your state, you can pretty much guarantee Bernie will win it.
• Democrats are concerned that Sanders’ campaign could alienate enough voters to hand Donald Trump the election. Bernie said, “Listen, I’m 74 years old. I’m surrounded by college girls screaming my name. Don’t ruin this for me.”
• So Clinton won Kentucky and Sanders won Oregon, and now this will be settled by whose supporters can be most annoying on Facebook. Good luck, everybody.

• Bernie Sanders won last night’s Oregon Democratic primary and this was a surprise. Hillary came in third — behind a bag of weed.
• Fox News host Megyn Kelly addressed rumors about Donald Trump’s hair in a new interview and said, “It’s not a wig and it’s not a comb-over, either.” So, what is it? It’s a mystery, wrapped in a riddle, inside an enigma.
• Audio has surfaced showing that in the 1980s and ’90s Donald Trump may have used a fake name to pose as his own publicist. Or, maybe a little-known publicist named John Miller used a fake name to pose as a New York real estate mogul and run for president.
• RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said yesterday that Donald Trump will “have to answer for” his behavior towards women. Said Trump, “I’ll have my girl write something up.”
• Former Republican hopeful John Kasich said today that “somebody” had called him to encourage him to run as a third-party candidate, but declined to say who. Oh my God, John, the calls are coming from inside the house!
• Tomorrow is the Kentucky Democratic Primary. And, in an act of desperation, Bernie is now going by “Colonel Sanders.”

•  A new poll has 87 percent of Republicans supporting Trump. The other 13 percent are currently standing on bridges looking vacantly into the distance.
• He is slowly unifying the Republican Party. All it took was no other options.
• In last night’s Democratic primaries in Oregon and Kentucky, Bernie won Oregon. No surprise there. If you look at it on a map, Oregon is pretty much as far left as you can get.
• Meanwhile, in Kentucky, Hillary Clinton declared victory after winning by less than 1 percent. So there’s another 1 percent for Bernie to be mad at.
• Despite the fact that it was freezing here today, climate scientists say that April was the hottest month on record. It was so hot, Donald Trump tried to make out with it.
• The New York Times emailed a news alert reading: “Special report: Donald Trump has repeatedly unnerved women in private encounters over 40 years.” Unnerving women for 40 years? That implies there were 29 years where he was not unnerving women. I’m going to want a fact check.
• The article goes on to detail how Trump bragged about his sexual prowess, as well as his daughter’s hotness, and had a preoccupation with women’s bodies. Which means Trump could be the first president to appoint an actual “federal bikini inspector.”
• This “special report” really isn’t that special. I look forward to more obvious headlines like: “Pope Is Catholic,” “Bear Defecation Discovered in Woods,” and “Beauty Pageant Owner Objectifies Women.”

 Political Posters With Punch Lines

More Political Punch Lines Later on The Whistleblower Newswire