SUNDAY, MAY 15 , 2016

More Politics Unusual

HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says today is Peace Officers Memorial Day the day each year in the United States when we honor of federal, state, and local officers killed or disabled in the line of duty. It is observed in conjunction with Police Week. 

THAT’S WHY OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose Obama’s “We need to recognize that the situation in Ferguson speaks to broader challenges that we still face as a nation.

OUR LATE NIGHT TV JOKEWATCHER liked Jimmy Fallon’s: We have Drake on the show tonight — a black, Jewish, immigrant rapper from Canada. Or as Donald Trump would say, “I’m speechless. I need to sit down, I’m getting lightheaded. I’m getting lightheaded. I’m seeing my spirit animal.” I hate to break it to Donald Trump, but there is already a Broadway show called “Hairspray.”

Conan O’Brien said: Donald Trump is now saying that his proposed ban on Muslims was “just a suggestion.” Then he admitted his presidential campaign is “just a bar bet.” Here in California, a white supremacist has resigned from being a Donald Trump delegate. When asked why, the white supremacist said, “Because that guy’s crazy.” During the Republican convention in Cleveland, an artist is going to photograph 100 nude women to make a statement. The statement is, “This is the only way to get people to Cleveland.” The FBI just announced yesterday that fewer and fewer Americans are going off to join ISIS. Or as Fox News reported it, “Once Again, Jobs Drop Under Obama.”

James Corden said: Donald Trump is finally sitting down with his nemesis, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, to discuss unifying the Republican Party after they have been trash-talking each other for months. Ryan is in a difficult spot. On the one hand, Trump has made a lot of offensive statements. On the other hand, Trump is his party’s only chance at winning — and because it’s Trump, both of those hands are very, very tiny. Paul Ryan right now is like a girl at a bar at the end of the night where all the hot guys have left. So she’s trying to convince herself that it would be worth taking home the guy with the orange skin and weird hair. But Ryan is not the only one who seems to be changing his mind about Trump. Former presidential candidate John McCain stated this week that he thinks Donald Trump could be a “capable leader.” John McCain spent several years in a Vietnam prison, and now saying “Donald Trump is capable” sounds like the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. I’m sorry, but saying Donald Trump could be a capable leader is not very reassuring. If you are about to have an operation and they tell you that your doctor could be a capable surgeon, you would be like, “You know what? It was a minor heart attack. I’m good. Don’t worry.”

Seth Meyers said: Donald Trump yesterday began walking back his proposed ban on Muslim immigration and called the plan a suggestion rather than a firm policy idea. In much the same way he doesn’t have hair so much as the suggestion of hair. Donald Trump told the Associated Press yesterday that he had whittled down his list of possible running mates to “five or six people.” Five or six people is also how Trump describes his kids. “60 Minutes” correspondent Morley Safer will formally retire this week after 46 seasons with the show. Safer made his name as a young reporter covering the landmark case of “Asteroid v. Dinosaurs.” Coincidentally, Morley Safer is what Trump says America will be if we build his wall. “Two words: We’re not just going to be safer, we’re going to be Morley Safer.”

And Stephen Colbert said: Donald Trump is the presumptive GOP nominee, but there are a few people he still has to win over. For instance, everyone in the GOP. MSNBC had a countdown clock to the meeting this morning where no cameras were allowed and after which we learned nothing. “Jim, can we put up my countdown clock of how much longer we all have to pretend this was news?” That was a long three seconds. Of course, when it comes to Donald Trump, there are so many other things that are not happening. For instance, he hasn’t picked a running mate, but rumors say he’s considering Newt Gingrich. Yes, between them, they’ve had six wives. Apparently, Trump is trying to win the women’s vote by marrying them all. If they get elected both the first and second lady will be the third lady.

NOW HERE’S THE LATEST FROM BUNKY TADWELL (OUR ODIOUS OCTEGENARIAN), THE BARD OF CLEVES: Just in time for what used to be the Drive-in Movie Season, we found this licentious limerick by our old friend Bunky Tadwell, the Bard of Cleves, from his latest book, “Remembering When,” found in better bookstores everywhere, except in Cleves. 

            “Friday Night Fun”
            The demise of the drive-in is sad
            There was so much fun to be had
            To hell with the movie
            There was something more groovy
            To make all the sex organs glad.

IN THIS WEEK’S COLUMN FROM PATRONAGE COUNTY TITLED TITLED “Profiting From Experience,” our three Corrupt Commissioners from Patronage County were recalling that time many years before they borrowed a county car to cross the Great Divide and join the overflow audience at the Gannett Foundation Distinguished Felons Lecture Series at Thomas More College. The star attractions were Watergate conspirator John Dean III and Senate Watergate chief counsel Sam Dash, reflecting on Watergate a decade earlier. This op-ed column was recalled from the April 28, 1982 edition of the feisty Mt. Washington Press, personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols

OUR MEANWHILE, OUR MUCKRAKER says with Primary Elections in Northern Kentucky only two days away, they almost running out of mud.

LIBERAL LUNACY: In Human Events’ “365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy,” #135 is to find a feminist and see if she has a sense of humor:
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be open when she brings it to you. 

JOHN GALT says “Happiness is possible only to a rational man, the man who desires nothing but rational goals, seek nothing but rational values and finds his joy in nothing but rational actions. “

WHISTLEBLOWER SENIOR BUSINESS EDITOR MERRILL FORBES says, U.S. stocks fell on Friday as a decline in oil prices added to pressure from consumer companies after gloomy quarterly reports from Nordstrom and J.C. Penney overshadowed upbeat April retail sales data.

THE FREE GRAIN PARTY still stands as the last refuge of anyone who’s willing to help himself from the stores of others, and Americans like free stuff. That’s one reason why Socialist Senator Bernie Sanders is popular with low-paid workers and students. He is going to make everything free – free health care, free college, free family leave, free day care, free this, free that. And here’s a real surprise: Sanders supporters want free stuff from government, but like all typical leftists who want the free stuff, they just don’t want to pay for it.

Free Grain Party Members include all DemocRATS, RINO Republicans, some TEA Partiers, quite a few Independents, disgruntled postal workers, senior citizens demanding free prescriptions, those who believe bigger government is the answer to all their problems, everybody who said “what Bill Clinton did was indefensible, but he shouldn’t be removed from office,” and those who think pork-barrel spending is OK as long as their district gets the money.

Unfortunately, that group probably doesn’t include all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and get all of their information from our Obama Supporters in the Press.

FINALLY, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about the sheer lunacy of the Obama administration’s decision to enforce the full “trans rights” agenda on the nation — in public accommodations, and in school bathrooms and locker rooms. “I’d say his legacy is now assured,” Kane said.

Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 742 different websites for the production of today’s Blower, many of our filches were from our friends at Weasel Zippers.

 THE SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL

Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible.

                SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL HOT LINE

e-mail your stories about worthy waifs today.

AND COMING UP IN “THE WEEK THAT WILL BE”:

MONDAY (MAY 16) The Blower will be featuring our “Bluegrass Indecision 2016” E-dition, but we’ll still be continuing to count down the 250 Days of Dishonesty for the rest of the nation remaining during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, unless the First Black President in History is impeached.

TUESDAY (MAY 17) will be our “Bluegrass Election Bamboozle” E-dition and our “Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers” will report the latest voting trends.

WEDNESDAY (MAY 18) we’ll we’ll be congratulating Tuesday’s winners and bashing the losers.

THURSDAY (MAY 19) we’ll l be checking to see if any of our Republicans have summoned up the courage to use the word “Impeachment.”        

THE FIRST LINE OF FRIDAY’S (MAY 20) LIMERICK IS “The best way to the spend Armed Forces Day.”

AND SATURDAY (MAY 21) we’ll be honoring the military, while we check out to see which restaurants are offering free meals to veterans, or if we have to wait until Veterans Day for our free “Bloomin’ Onions” at Outback

Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Ohio RINO Senator Rob “Fighting for Same-Sex Marriage” Portman, who’s reserving $15 million in advertising for his reelection campaign, by far the largest sum of money committed to a single Senate race in this year’s contest for Senate control. Meanwhile, Award-Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception shows Portman trying to explain some of his not-so-Conservative tendencies.

WEEK IN REVIEW HOT LINE

e-mail your revolutionary recaps today

Some political score-keeping items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally political score-keeping subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more. 

Today’s Whistleblower Video

 Vice Presidential Candidate Jimmy Kimmel Interviewed by CNN

   

 Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

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