FRIDAY, MAY 13, 2016 

Happy Friday the Thirteenth, Everybody!

          Our Garrulous Grammarian says the first thing we need to do is to explain the difference between “Triskaidekaphobia” and “Paraskevidekatriaphobia”

Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number thirteen. It comes from “treiskaideka,” the Greek word for thirteen plus “phobia,” which means “fear of,” so Triskaidekaphobia would be “a fear of thirteen.”

Paraskevidekatriaphobia is the Fear of Friday the 13th. The word “paraskevidekatriaphobia” was devised by Dr. Donald Dossey, founder of the Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in Asheville, N.C, who told his patients that “when you learn to pronounce it, you’re cured!”

Hurley the Historian says Miranda rights were established on this date in 1966. How lucky was that for the all the criminals?

Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose this French Proverb: “A person is unlucky who falls on his back and breaks his nose.”

 Now Let’s Meet Today’s Guest Editor

        Why, it’s none other than Dr. Donald Dossey, who asks if you ever wondered why Friday became the bad day of the week instead of, say, Monday? Who started this fear of the number “13” anyway – some dysfunctional Roman family, an alcoholic Norseman, maybe a drug induced Druid? Which old-timey superstitious “cures” can help you deal with fear of Friday the 13th, and if walking around your house 13 times really wards off evil spirits? Maybe it would be better to chew a piece of beef gristle while standing on your head.

That’s why The Blower, which takes pride in rewarding anybody making fun of stupid superstitions to be this week’s guest editor and choose three items plus a Quickie for today’s E-dition from our Current Cadre of Conservative Columnists and Contributors, and our Quote for Today Committee chose Edmond Burke’s “Superstition is the religion of feeble minds.”

• “A COUNTRY FOUNDED BY GENIUSES BUT RUN BY IDIOTS” by Jeff Foxworthy

If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you have to get your parents’ permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you MUST show your identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If the government wants to prevent stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines that hold more than ten rounds, but gave twenty F-16 fighter jets to the crazy radical Islamist leaders in Egypt (before they got kicked out) — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If, in the nation’s largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not one 24-ounce soda, because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If an 80-year-old woman or a three-year-old girl who is confined to a wheelchair can be strip-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman in a burka or a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If a seven-year-old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is “cute,” but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government regulation and intrusion, while not working is rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized housing, and free cell phones — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If the government’s plan for getting people back to work is to provide incentives for not working, by granting 99 weeks of unemployment checks, without any requirement to prove that gainful employment was diligently sought, but couldn’t be found — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big-screen TV, while your neighbor buys iPhones, time shares, a wall-sized do-it-all plasma screen TV and new cars, and the government forgives his debt when he defaults on his mortgage — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If being stripped of your Constitutional right to defend yourself makes you more “safe” according to the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

What a country!

• “NEW MEDICARE PART G” by Bluegrass Rifle Association Spokesman Billy Bob Carbine

You’re a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home care available for you. So what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years, or older, a gun (G) and four bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.

Of course, this means you’ll be sent to prison, where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning and all the health care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a home.

And, you can get rid of four useless politicians while you’re at it.

Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any income taxes anymore.

Is this a great country or what?

• “A LIBERAL PARADISE” by Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office, Phoenix, Arizona

A “Liberal Paradise” is a place where…
1. Everybody has guaranteed employment
2. Free comprehensive health care
3. Free education
4. Free food
5. Free housing
6. Free clothing
7. Free utilities
8. And only Law Enforcement has guns!
Believe it or not, such a place does indeed exist!
It’s called “PRISON!

• AND A QUICKIE from Bobby Leach

I rear-ended a car this morning on the work And there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Well I couldn’t believe it. He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY!!!” So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?” And that’s how the fight started…..

These items are perfect to forward to all of your Internet Buddies and Facebook Friends with too much time on their hands.

FRIDAY THE 13TH HOT LINE

E-mail your luckless legends today

 Some superstitious items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally superstitious subscribers. 

Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 243 different websites for the production of today’s Blower.

More Stories We’re Working On

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• DEM LEADERS Panic Over Continued Berniemania

• OBAMA Following Porn Stars On Twitter

• SURGE OF IMMIGRANTS Seeking Citizenship, Voting Rights Before Elections

• PROTEST PLANNED For Mrs. Bill Clinton’s Visit To NoKY Sunday

• KY GOVERNOR BEVAN resists Obama Bathroom Blackmail

• OHIO GOVERNOR KASICH Declines Comment

Whistleblower Web Poll             

This week, here’s how the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said they planned to celebrate Peace Officers Memorial Day on Sunday:
(A) Honoring federal, state, and local officers killed or disabled in the line of duty: 2%
(B) Watching Starsky and Hutch re-runs on TV: 1%
(C) Donating to the Law Enforcement Officers Memorial Fund: 1%
(D) Hoping the next president won’t continue Obama’s War on Cops: 94%

Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!

 

Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here