THURSDAY, MAY 12, 2016

Today, joke writers all over America are trying to come up with something funny to say about Donald Trump’s meeting with Paul Ryan.

Meanwhile, This Week On Late Night TV

Yesterday on “Good Morning America,” Joe Biden said he is “confident” that Hillary Clinton will be the Democratic nominee. Then he said, “Of course, I also bet against the Mighty Ducks in all three movies, so what do I know?”
Sources claim that the drug lord El Chapo will be extradited from Mexico to Brooklyn next month. Which raises the question — if we’re bringing El Chapo here, who exactly are we trying to keep out with that giant wall?
Yesterday, the State Department said that it can’t find any emails belonging to Hillary Clinton’s senior technology staffer from when Clinton was secretary of state. Then Hillary said (WIPES OFF HANDS), “You also won’t find that staffer, either.”
Jeb Bush wrote a Facebook post congratulating Donald Trump for securing the Republican nomination, but said he still won’t support him. Yeah, Jeb wrote an insincere Facebook post. Or as that’s also known, “a Facebook post.”
On “Meet the Press” yesterday, Trump said he would like to see the minimum wage increased, saying, “I don’t know how people make it on $7.25 an hour.” Then his butlers said, “Just barely.”
Budweiser announced that this summer they will rename their beer “America.” So starting in June, you’re not an alcoholic — you’re a patriot.
NASA scientists have discovered over 1,200 planets that are possibly habitable — where humans could live. In other words, if Donald Trump does become president, Canada’s not your only option.
According to a new survey, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are tied in Florida. Hillary is winning with Jews and Hispanics, and Trump is winning with meth and bath-salt dealers.
In an upcoming interview with Fox News’ Megyn Kelly, Donald Trump tells her that although they’ve reconciled their feud, “this could happen again.” Especially if Megyn Kelly continues to stubbornly insist on being a woman.
A former speechwriter for John McCain said Donald Trump has an unstable personality. This is coming from the guy who wrote the words, “Please welcome my running mate, Sarah Palin.”
This morning, Bernie Sanders held a rally in Atlantic City. Sanders said, “I have a lot in common with Atlantic City — we were both in our prime in the 1920s.”
Speaking of old people surrounded by screaming young people, Bernie Sanders won the primary last night. For a guy with no chance of winning, he sure does seem to win a lot.
Hillary Clinton could lose all the remaining primaries and she’ll still get the nomination, but at this point Bernie has a better chance of being drafted by an NBA team than being the nominee.
Trump is still out there taking aim and most recently, Trump gave Bernie Sanders a nickname. Now we have Crazy Bernie, Lyin’ Ted, Little Rubio and Crooked Hillary — it’s like the Spice Girls.
Paul Ryan and Ted Cruz are saying they’re not ready to support Donald Trump. What do you have to do to get ready to support someone? Is it like getting a wax?
Water is a precious resource in California. We need it for our bongs.
I’ll tell you something, when Donald Trump is president, we won’t have a problem with the drought because we’ll all be drinking delicious Trump water. I’m told it’s the best.

Donald Trump won last night’s Nebraska Republican primary with 61% of the vote. Which is impressive until you remember he’s the only one left running.
Donald Trump also dominated last night’s West Virginia Republican primary with 76% of the vote. Trump told the press that he did really well with black voters, but it turned out they were just coal miners.
A new poll shows Hillary Clinton just one point ahead of Donald Trump nationally. And now Canada is thinking about building a wall.
Donald Trump said this morning that he will not be changing his tone as he gears up for the general election, and said, quote, “You win the pennant, and now you’re in the World Series. You gonna change?” Well, it depends. Did you win the pennant because you’re really good, or because your division stinks?
House Speaker Paul Ryan today defended himself against criticism from fellow Republicans over his reluctance to endorse Donald Trump and said, “I just want to get to know the guy.” “Us, too,” said Eric and Donald Jr.
Donald Trump announced today that if he wins the presidency, Chris Christie will lead his transition team and help put together the Trump administration. Because if there’s anything Christie knows how to do, it’s fill a cabinet.
Donald Trump said that Hillary was nasty and mean to the women who slept with her husband. Trump’s wives did not treat his mistresses like that at all. They had the courtesy to let him marry them.
Donald Trump has been married three times. Attacking Hillary Clinton for having marital problems is like the pot calling the kettle black, or in Trump’s case, calling the kettles “the blacks.” By the way, the kettles love him.
A tow truck driver in Asheville, North Carolina, who supports Donald Trump evidently stranded a disabled woman on the side of the road after he saw a Bernie Sanders bumper sticker on her car. Telling the woman that she was obviously a socialist and that she should call the government for help, he then drove away on a road that I assume he paved himself.
The guy says whenever he deals with Bernie supporters they don’t pay him — as opposed to the Trump supporters, who make Mexico pay him.