WEDNESDAY, APRIL 27, 2016

Tonight, comedy writers are wondering about the jokes Obama will be telling at his Final White House Correspondents’ Dinner Saturday night.

Meanwhile, So Far This Week On Late Night TV

• Happy birthday to Melania Trump, who turned 46 today. She spent her birthday like she always does — telling Donald that she’s 23.
• Today was another big day for the election. There were five different primaries in Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island. Or as Hillary Clinton put it, “Why, those just happen to be my five favorite states!”
• Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump a loose cannon and said, “Loose cannons tend to misfire.” Trump was like, “My cannon works just fine, I guarantee you, there’s no problem. I’ve already discussed this.”
• This election is heading into the home stretch and it seems like the whole world is watching. In fact, I read that sales for Donald Trump piñatas have been soaring recently. Or as Donald Trump put it, “Told you I could make the Mexicans pay for something!”
• Apparently four out of Donald Trump’s five airplanes are more than 20 years old, which they say is rare for most billionaires. I guess Trump doesn’t know you’re supposed to change PLANES every few years, and keep your WIFE forever.

• According to a new poll that just came out, 50 percent of Republicans say they could support Donald Trump. The other 50 percent are a group calling themselves “Women.”
• Hillary Clinton has been attacking Donald Trump over his “country club” lifestyle. Hillary made the remarks during a speech none of us could afford to attend.
• Donald Trump is now making fun of what he calls John Kasich’s “disgusting” table manners. As an example, Trump named Kasich’s gross habit of having dinner with a wife who’s about his own age.
• A teacher in Arkansas is in trouble for giving alcohol to underage students. But to be fair, just because you’re in fifth grade in Arkansas, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re under 21.
• In a new interview, Ted Cruz said, “I’ve changed a lot of diapers.” After hearing this, Bernie Sanders made him his running mate.
• Yesterday, Donald Trump said, “If I lose, I don’t think you’ll ever see me again.” So finally, a Trump campaign promise we can all get behind.
• In order to block Donald Trump’s path to the Republican nomination, John Kasich is pulling his campaign out of Indiana. Indiana should notice sometime in 2018.
• Hillary Clinton said Pennsylvania is where she learned to shoot a gun. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders said Pennsylvania is where he learned to load a musket.
• A restaurant in Pennsylvania has unveiled a pizza inspired by Hillary Clinton. Apparently, the pizza is not that fresh or tasty, but it sticks around your stomach until all the other food has given up.
• A woman who looks exactly like a female Ted Cruz has been asked to star in a porn movie that will probably be available on somewhere like hdtubemovies.xxx sooner rather than later. So finally, a cure for your porn addiction.

• Today was Super Tuesday where states like Pennsylvania, Maryland, and Delaware hold their primaries. Seriously, we have to stop calling these Super Tuesdays. Nothing super has ever happened on a Tuesday in Delaware.
• Lena Dunham, star of the HBO show “Girls,” threatened to move to Vancouver if Trump became president. Trump said, “Well, she’s a ‘B’ actor and, you know, has no mojo.” I can’t believe Trump snapped back about Lena Dunham. Usually, he just ignores that kind of stuff and gracefully moves on.
• Celebrities can’t move to Canada, that’s not how this works. All of America’s best celebrities come from Canada. Ryan Gosling? Canadian. Justin Bieber? Canadian. Ryan Reynolds? Canadian. And those are just the ones I had a dream about last night.
• Canada gave us all these great celebrities, and we repay them by treating them like our college buddy’s futon. “Well, I guess if things get really bad, I could crash with Canada for a while.”
• I really love how Trump calls Lena Dunham a “B” actor. Which is big talk from the man who played Waldo’s dad in the remake of “Little Rascals.” If Lena Dunham is a “B” actor, he’s a “D” actor.
• Whatever celebrities think, Trump is a hit with voters. Maybe it’s because he panders to them. At a rally in Rhode Island, deep in the heart of New England Patriot country, Trump yelled, “Leave Tom Brady alone!” The crowd went crazy. Getting cheers by saying “leave Tom Brady alone” in New England is as easy as getting cheers for saying, “Donald Trump should not be president.”
• Trump’s been pandering like this wherever he goes. In New York, he said pizza is the best. In Portland, he said gluten is the devil’s handiwork. And in Florida, he said nothing beats doing meth in a Walmart parking lot.

• It’s the sequel to Super Tuesday 3. There were primaries in five states. I feel like we’ve had primaries in some of these states — didn’t we do Connecticut already?
• I was interested to find out who won, but what I’m more interested in is to see what new way the losers will explain why they still have a chance tomorrow.
• Of course, the biggest loser is us. We have six more months of this.
• The polls said Donald Trump was going to steam-roll his rivals in Pennsylvania, and he did. Next, he’s going to build a hotel on top of them.
• Ted Cruz and John Kasich made a pact so they would each have a better chance of stopping Donald Trump from getting the delegates he needs. It’s a halfhearted alliance between two guys who don’t like each other. Somehow Donald Trump has turned this into an episode of “The Apprentice.” This is exactly what Gary Busey and Meat Loaf would do.
• Bernie Sanders said it’s a great idea to have a woman as vice president. John McCain was like, “Is it?!”

• Both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were favored to sweep today’s primaries in Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island. And John Kasich is still polling very high in the state of denial.
• Donald Trump did an impression of Hillary Clinton at a rally this weekend accusing Clinton of needing a teleprompter, speaking in a robotic manner and being boring. And then Hillary did an impression of Donald Trump by crushing a poor person’s dreams.

Political Posters With Punch Lines

More Political Punch Lines Later on The Whistleblower Newswire

 

More Political Punch Lines Later on The Whistleblower Newswire