More “Political Punch Lines” E-dition

POLITICAL PUNCH LINESTHURSDAY, APRIL 21, 2016

Today, everybody’s buzzing about Bathroom Bullies and how Obama’s dividing the country on Race again by replacing White Guys on our money.

Meanwhile, This Week On Late Night TV

image010 Jimmy Kimmel said: I want to wish everyone a happy Tax Day. I guess it’s only happy if you get money back. I hate that you have to put stamps on the envelope to send in. They can’t just throw that in? They charge us $1.41 to have the honor of sending them half the money we earn this year.

  • This is the kind of money the candidates should be focused on right now. Tax returns are basically an 11th grade math test administered to adults. If we fail we go to prison. That’s how it works.
  • The president and the first lady got their taxes done. I’m not sure if they have to release it or they just do. They made $436, 035, the lowest amount they’ve made since he took office. Donald Trump made more money than that last year selling hats.
  • It is primary night in New York tonight. We’re still in the primaries — we should at least be in the secondaries by now.
  • The winner of the New York primary gets delegates, momentum, and most importantly two tickets in the front mezzanine to see “Hamilton.”
  • Donald Trump had a bit of a stumble yesterday. He was giving a speech in Buffalo and accidentally referred to the devastating terrorist attacks of 7/11 instead of 9/11. Of course, who can forget that fateful day when the Coke-flavored Slurpee machine broke and we were forced to settle for that blue raspberry stuff.
  • Donald has actually been pretty quiet for the last week or so. And I don’t like it. It’s like when the kids stop making noise. Something’s wrong.
  • In Washington, D.C., yesterday Ben and Jerry, the ice cream guys, were arrested for being part of a political protest on the steps of the Capitol building. But some good did come out of it. They got a lot of new attention for their cause. Also, they got a new flavor of ice cream, which is Toilet Wine Toffee Crunch.

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James Corden Said: Coachella was this weekend, and if you don’t know what Coachella is, it’s a festival where everyone goes to the desert and takes selfies.

  • Yesterday was also tax day, and there have been reports from Coachella that concert-goers tried to file their taxes from a makeshift post office at the festival.
  • I really feel sorry for the bands, because how bad does a band have to suck for people in the audience to go, “You know, I’d better go do my taxes.”
  • It feels like most people aren’t even going for the music, they’re just going to be seen. There are reports of people spending up to $20,000 on fashion accessories and liposuction for Coachella. I have to say, this is the most L.A. thing that could happen at a music festival.
  • You don’t need to get liposuction to feel good about yourself at Coachella. Just do what everybody else is doing to feel better about themselves — drugs

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And Stephen Colbert said:  Today is primary day right here in the Big Apple. A day when New Yorkers proudly line up at the voting booth and declare with one voice, “Hurry up in there, I got stuff to do.”

  • Britain’s National Environmental Research Council announced a boat-naming contest a little over a month ago in an effort to build public interest in Arctic research — while there is still some Arctic left to research.
  • Thousands of entries were submitted and the name “Boaty McBoatface” got four times more votes than any other name. I believe it’s the best name for a boat. Just as the best name for a man is Manny McManface.
  • If they overturn this vote, they’re Butty McButtfaces.
  • Ben and Jerry from Ben & Jerry’s ice cream got themselves into a scoop of trouble yesterday at Capitol Hill protesting against money and politics. The two were arrested — surprisingly, not for the murder of my waistline.
  • Harriet Tubman will be replacing Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill. It’s truly exciting to have a woman on there. Although, unfortunately, due to the wage gap, it is now worth $17.
  • The New York primary results were a good old-fashioned Empire State boot stomping by Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. New Yorkers haven’t seen a thrashing this bad since any Knicks game.
  • What really impressed me last night was the way CNN announced the winners. The winners will have their victories displayed on the Empire State building.
  • I don’t think it’s fair that CNN gets to control the Empire State building. They already have a beam of radiant light that delivers the news: Anderson Cooper.

Political Posters With Punch Linesimage016

More Political Punch Lines Later on The Whistleblower Newswireimage017 image018