SUNDAY, APRIL 17, 2016
More Politics Unusual
Hurley the Historian says maybe we ought to call today’s issue our Special U.S. Invasion E-dition, because on Friday’s date in 1775, Patriots Paul Revere and William Dawes set out on horseback from Boston, riding to every Middlesex, village, and farm to warn the countryside that the British were coming.
And this morning, our Quote for Today isn’t just bringing you one measly quote, they have the whole damn poem.
OUR LATE NIGHT TV JOKEWATCHER liked Jimmy Fallon’s: Tonight was the big DemocRAT debate between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. They discussed important issues such as national security, the economy, and whose supporters are the most annoying on Facebook. Over 27,000 people attended a massive rally for Bernie Sanders in Manhattan’s Washington Square Park. Well, technically, 7,000 people showed up for Bernie, while 20,000 New Yorkers just saw a line and got in it. Producers for “Game of Thrones” confirmed that President Obama has requested and will receive episodes of the show’s new season before it airs on HBO. So he can call up the Republicans and spoil it for them. “Jon Snow’s alive! Bye.”
Conan O’Brien said: Tonight, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders debated in Brooklyn. And they’ll follow that up tomorrow with a rap battle in the Bronx. When asked about his potential running mates, Donald Trump said he would consider Marco Rubio, Scott Walker, and John Kasich. Or as Trump calls them, “Shrimpy, Stupidface, and Loser.”
Jimmy Kimmel said: Bernie Sanders is headed to the Vatican tomorrow to make a speech. Going all the way to the Vatican to make a 15-minute speech and the Pope isn’t even going to be there. Why he’s doing this? Even people running his campaign don’t know. Maybe he wants to get in good with God since they’ll probably be meeting soon. Bernie will be out of the country for a bit. But don’t worry, his supporters will still be on Facebook yelling at you. Donald Trump has new enemies — several former contestants from his show “The Apprentice” are speaking out against him. Donald Trump’s “Apprentice” contestants turning on him is like the cast of “Survivor” deciding to eat Jeff Probst. Yesterday Trump met with one of his arch nemeses, Megyn Kelly. They talked for an hour. In the end they agreed to put aside their differences and get back to what’s important, which is getting white people very angry.
And Seth Meyers said: During their family town hall event on CNN last night, Ted Cruz’s wife revealed that their daughters want Taylor Swift to be their first guest to visit the White House. Aw, that’s so cute. They think he has a chance. During last night’s town hall, Ted Cruz talked about how his daughters often play a game with him, called “attack the daddy.” His daughter was like, “It’s not a game.” Over 27,000 people attended Bernie Sanders’ rally in Washington Square Park last night. Which is especially crazy, since Bernie only went to the park to play chess. Bernie Sanders is visiting Rome tomorrow. He’ll be flying middle class. “We have to share the armrests equally! It’s everyone’s armrest.” A new poll has named Wegmans as America’s favorite grocery store, as opposed to Chris Christie’s choice of whatever’s the closest.
NOW HERE’S THE LATEST FROM BUNKY TADWELL (OUR ODIOUS OCTEGENARIAN), THE BARD OF CLEVES: Just in time for to enjoy the warmer Spring weather, we found this special springy poem by our old friend Bunky Tadwell, the Bard of Cleves, from his latest book, “Sonnets for All Seasons,” found in better bookstores everywhere, except in Cleves.
“It Might As Well Be Spring Fever”
I’m glad that Spring is finally here
It brings some warmer breezes
But it also brings more allergies
With water eyes and sneezes
IN THIS WEEK’S COLUMN FROM PATRONAGE COUNTY TITLED “Patriotic Politicians” Patriots’ Day on the Third Monday in April was fast approaching, and at the Patronage County Courthouse our three publicity-obsessed county commissioners had called in noted Spin Doctor Freddie Flacker, to ensure the public saw them as the most patriotic politicians in history.
OUR MEANWHILE, OUR MUCKRAKER says Conservative Curmudgeon Stu Mahlin is wondering about Hannah Sparling’s article in The Fishwrap today warning over-taxed taxpayers to hold on to their wallets because the CPS dumpster wants more money failed to tell us how many “students” are in the Cincinnati Public School system. 
It would be instructive to know the number to divide into $534 million to find out how many dollars are being blown now per “student.” Some performance data would also be useful: graduation rates, standardized test scores, pregnancy rates, etc.
LIBERAL LUNACY: In Human Events’ “365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy,” #246 says you should Define “Multiculturalism” as the State-sanctioned grievance industry that stokes division and resentment, while always under the delusion that it is doing something positive called “celebrating diversity.”
GOING GALT means taking the John Galt Pledge. Let’s all say it together: “I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.”
WHISTLEBLOWER SENIOR BUSINESS EDITOR MERRILL FORBES says Citibank (C) is the latest of the big banks to report Q1 earnings early this season, fitting the narrative established this week by peers like JPMorgan (JPM). Bank of America (BAC) missed by a penny, but hey — this is far from the Wall Street apocalypse some may have been expecting.
THE FREE GRAIN PARTY still stands as the last refuge of anyone who’s willing to help himself from the stores of others, and Americans like free stuff. That’s one reason why Socialist Senator Bernie Sanders is popular with low-paid workers and students. He is going to make everything free – free health care, free college, free family leave, free day care, free this, free that. You know something is incredibly wrong when even liberal Hillary Clinton bemoans all the free stuff Bernie wants to give away. Clinton tells DemocRAT voters to read the fine print on Sanders’ cascading waterfall of free stuff.
Free Grain Party Members include all DemocRATS, RINO Republicans, some TEA Partiers, quite a few Independents, disgruntled postal workers, senior citizens demanding free prescriptions, those who believe bigger government is the answer to all their problems, everybody who said “what Bill Clinton did was indefensible, but he shouldn’t be removed from office,” and those who think pork-barrel spending is OK as long as their district gets the money.
Unfortunately, that group probably doesn’t include all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and get all of their information from our Obama Supporters in the Press.
FINALLY AT TONIGHT’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were all asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about the best way for ordinary Americans to show how much they love their country on Patriots’ Day. “Forget about all those ‘Stupid People,” Kane explained, “those people are hopeless. But for the rest of us, perhaps people could try to learn how our government works, study the issues, and the candidates, and for God’s sake, get off the damn couch on Election Day and go vote.”
Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 742 different websites for the production of today’s Blower, many of our filches were from our friends at Weasel Zippers.
THE SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL
Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible.
SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL HOT LINE
e-mail your stories about worthy waifs today.
AND COMING UP IN “THE WEEK THAT WILL BE”:
MONDAY (APRIL 18) The Blower will be featuring its Official “Patriots Day” E-dition, and we’ll be continuing to count down the 277 unproductive days for the rest of the nation remaining during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, unless the First Black President in History is impeached.
TUESDAY (APRIL 19) will be Tax Freedom Day in Ohio and “Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers” glad they’ll now be working for themselves this year, instead of the government.
WEDNESDAY (APRIL 20) we’ll be celebrating Hiller’s Birthday, just like we do every year.
THURSDAY (APRIL 21) we’ll be we’ll be getting ready for Earth Day on Friday.
THE FIRST LINE OF FRIDAY’S (APRIL 22) LIMERICK IS “The Best Part about Tax Freedom Day.”
AND SATURDAY (APRIL 23) will be our Special “Political Liars Day” E-dition, which could be any day for that matter
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially scandal-plagued Hillary Benghazi Clinton. Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception shows Hillary’s campaign appearance on “Wheel of Fortune.” 
WEEK IN REVIEW HOT LINE
e-mail your revolutionary recaps today
Some political score-keeping items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally political score-keeping subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.Today’s Whistleblower Video
Judge Jeanine Pirro – Opening Statement – April 16, 2016
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
