THURSDAY, APRIL 14, 2016

Entertainment Tonight

 Tonight’s Brooklyn debate is Bernie Sanders’ last chance to shake up the race in a state where he must pull off a major upset to change the dynamics of the DemocRAT primary.

Meanwhile, This Week On Late Night TV

• After weeks of back and forth, Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton have finally agreed to hold a debate in Brooklyn next Thursday. You know you’re in New York when you have to argue over the date of when you’re going to argue.
• Next Thursday’s debate will be at the Brooklyn Navy Yard. Bernie says he chose the location because of its history, while Hillary liked it because it’s remote, poorly lit, and close to the East River.
• Ben Carson said yesterday that Donald Trump knows about foreign policy just as much as the other candidates, but is not an expert on Russia. Trump was like, “That’s nonsense, I ordered half my wives from Russia!”
• During a rally last night, Melania Trump pushed back against claims that her husband is sexist, and said Donald treats everyone equally. She was like, “He treat everyone the same, whether they are supermodel, swimsuit model or lingerie model.”

• Donald Trump is polling so badly with women that at a rally last night, he had his wife, Melania, introduce him. Because if there’s one thing that’s guaranteed to get American women on your side, it’s a foreign model who’s married to a billionaire and never has to work.
• In an attempt to win over Wisconsin, Ted Cruz said, “To be honest, I like cheese on cheese.” Of course when he was campaigning in Florida he said, “I like meth on meth.”
• The Hillary Clinton campaign believes that Donald Trump is going to go after her occasional “health problems.” Today, Hillary reminded Trump that being a woman over 40 is not a “health problem.” 

• Some prominent Republican congressmen are saying they might not even go to the convention, which is in Cleveland this summer. Not because it might get crazy — they’re saying they can’t go because they have work to do. This summer. These are congressmen. All of a sudden they’ve got work to do?
• Donald Trump’s very upset lately about the election, or lack of an election, in Colorado. In Colorado, they don’t have a primary or a caucus because they’re too high to vote.
• Colorado has a month-long process of local meetings where they just meet and choose the delegates. Somehow Ted Cruz made a clean sweep, he got all of them. So Trump criticized the process. Trump says the Republican Party is trying to slow his momentum by using what he called crooked shenanigans, which are the worst kind of shenanigans.
• Why do I have a feeling if Donald Trump doesn’t win he’s going to sue all of us?

• Donald Trump’s son Eric said last night that his father is his “best friend in the entire world.” Said Donald, “Right back at ya, Jeff.”
• Bernie Sanders this morning joined the Verizon workers picket line here in New York. It’s a perfect match, because Bernie always talks like he’s getting bad reception.
• Bernie Sanders today received his first senatorial endorsement from Oregon Sen. Jeff Merkley. Or as he’ll be known under President Hillary Clinton, “Ambassador to North Korea Jeff Merkley.”
• The New York MTA has announced that they plan to phase out MetroCards by 2021. “But I just learned!” said Hillary.
• A new poll has found that Bernie Sanders is the most likable of all the presidential candidates. Which, let’s face it, is kind of like being the best-dressed person at Wal-Mart.
• The cast of ABC’s “Scandal” is set to appear at a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton later this month. Unless she loses in New York, in which case she’d like to speak with the folks at “How to Get Away With Murder.”
• House Speaker Paul Ryan this afternoon issued a formal statement ruling himself out as a potential replacement candidate if there is a contested Republican convention. And you know things are bad in the Republican Party when people who aren’t even running are dropping out of the race.
• Bernie Sanders won this weekend’s Wyoming caucus, which was his seventh win in a row over Hillary Clinton. Clinton said she’s still not worried. But it was hard to understand her through the wallet she was biting.
• We are now four days away from Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders’ Thursday night debate in Brooklyn, which means Hillary’s already tried 600 different ways to ask, “Is Brooklyn in the house?
• According to reports, two of Donald Trump’s children will not be able to vote at New York’s primary because they failed to register before the deadline. So I guess you just lost two votes, Ted Cruz.
• Bernie Sanders and his wife, on Friday, saw the hit Broadway musical “Hamilton.” Sanders said afterwards, “That’s not how I remember it.”
• Bernie Sanders visited Coney Island yesterday. And somehow, after he rode the roller coaster, his hair was neater.

Plus a couple of Photographic Punchlines

More Political Punch Lines Later on The Whistleblower Newswire