SUNDAY, APRIL 3, 2016
More Politics Unusual
FARLEY FAIRWEATHER says now that the 2016 Cincinnati Reds Opening Day has nearly arrived, Bryan’s Boys can pickup right where they left off in 2015, in what could possibly be the longest 162-game season in Baseball History for local fans.
THAT’S WHY OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose Vince Lombardi’s “Show me a good loser and I’ll show you a loser.”
NOW HERE’S THE LATEST FROM BUNKY TADWELL, THE BARD OF CLEVES: Just in time to enjoy the 2013 baseball season, we found this in his “American Pastimes,” found in better bookstores everywhere, except in Cleves.
“A Field of Dreams”
Opening Days has finally arrived
It was fun for one and all.
Especially for all the boys
If the girlies would just play ball.
IN THIS WEEK’S COLUMN FROM PATRONAGE COUNTY TITLED “OPENING DAY JITTERS,” Commissioner Swindle couldn’t quite talk the Cincinnati Reds into letting him throw out the first pitch on Opening Day. This op-ed column first appeared in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols on April 8, 1981, and has been updated with current references to fit the situation today.
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1882 Jesse James was shot in the back by Bob Ford, a member of his gang who hoped to collect the bounty on Jesse’s head. That’s one funeral “Mean Jean” Schmidt didn’t attend, since she was only a state-rep-tile back then.
THE LATEST POLLS: Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen says The Wall Street Journal’s Peggy Noonan says Donald Trump may be the only one who can beat Donald Trump, and we may be seeing signs of that beginning to emerge. Our latest weekly Trump Change survey finds that Republican voters are growing less certain that Trump will be their party’s eventual nominee. For the second week in a row, confidence that the billionaire businessman is Very Likely to win the nomination has fallen and is now at its lowest level since just before his big win in the South Carolina primary in mid-February. [READ MORE HERE]
OUR LATE NIGHT TV JOKEWATCHER liked Jimmy Fallon’s: Tomorrow is April Fools’ Day, which means everyone will be waiting for Donald Trump to finally say, “Gotcha! I never wanted to be president! I can’t believe you dummies let it go on this long!” Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton said Republicans are trying to act like President Obama’s not still president. Also doing that: President Obama. He’s going to Cuba, doing the tango in Argentina. He’s basically checking off his bucket list. If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are the two nominees, it will be the first time both parties’ nominees are over 65 years old. Which should explain that one debate where they just play checkers in the park. “King me!” Trump and Hillary would be the oldest nominees since 1848. Or as Bernie Sanders put it, “My first campaign!”
Jimmy Kimmel said: Donald Trump met with the Republican National Committee today. I wish I could have been a part of that meeting. Like Dr. Frankenstein meeting with his monster. Trump is busy preparing for what might be a losing battle in Wisconsin. The Wisconsin primary is on Tuesday and in the most recent polls, Trump trails Ted Cruz by 10 points. Try saying that 10 times fast. President Obama yesterday commuted the sentences of 61 federal prisoners, most of whom were low-level drug offenders. Then he had lunch with a bunch of them. Obama ate lunch with seven former inmates. Usually former inmates have to be on the team that won the Super Bowl to get invited to the White House for lunch. After saying in an interview that there should be punishment for women who undergo illegal abortions, Donald Trump last night started to walk back his comments by claiming he meant to say doctors should be punished. And I have to say, it’s pretty ironic that Trump had to use Plan B.
And Seth Meyers said: Donald Trump was in Washington, D.C., today to meet privately with members of his newly established foreign policy team. They went over key points like, “This one’s Europe,” and “No, no, no, THIS one’s Europe.” Bernie Sanders today held a campaign rally in the South Bronx. Sanders said it was great to be in a neighborhood where he wasn’t the loudest person.
OUR MEANWHILE, OUR MUCKRAKER is still gloating ever since Metro bus driver and self-proclaimed preacher Tyrone Patrick was finally arrested Wednesday on two counts of vehicular manslaughter and one count of vehicular homicide stemming from an incident this past January where Patrick struck, ran over and killed 73-year old Stephen Frank after Patrick made an improper left turn driving his 18-ton bus in Hyde Park square.
LIBERAL LUNACY: In Human Events’ “365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy,” #95 says you should invite all your Liberal friends to a Tax Freedom Day party. Remind them that this is the first day of the year in which the money they work for goes into their own pockets rather than into Big Government’s gaping, insatiable maw. Now if the guys at the Tax Foundation would only tell us when Tax Freedom Day arrives in 2016, all of us Anti-Taxers would know when to start our celebration.
GOING GALT means taking the John Galt Pledge. Let’s all say it together: “I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.”
WHISTLEBLOWER SENIOR BUSINESS EDITOR MERRILL FORBES says, “So why doesn’t anybody in the Liberal News Media besides The Blower try to explain what those job numbers really mean every month when the Bureau of Labor Statistics are released? Probably because all those Obama Supporters in the Press don’t want you to know the truth.
THE FREE GRAIN PARTY still stands as the last refuge of anyone who’s willing to help himself from the stores of others, and Hillary Clinton told George Stephanopoulos during an interview today that she’s all in for a proposed Good Morning America debate with Bernie Sanders about who’ll give away more FREE Stuff.
Free Grain Party Members include all DemocRATS, RINO Republicans, some TEA Partiers, quite a few Independents, disgruntled postal workers, senior citizens demanding free prescriptions, those who believe bigger government is the answer to all their problems, everybody who said “what Bill Clinton did was indefensible, but he shouldn’t be removed from office,” and those who think pork-barrel spending is OK as long as their district gets the money.
Unfortunately, that group probably doesn’t include all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and get all of their information from our Obama Supporters in the Press.
FINALLY AT TONIGHT’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane what was so special about the way The Blower apologized in Friday’s Annual Mea Culpa E-dition. “Because,” Kane explained, “unlike the politicians we cover, when we apologize, we really, really mean it!”
Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 742 different websites for the production of today’s Blower, many of our filches were from our friends at Weasel Zippers.
AND COMING UP IN “THE WEEK THAT WILL BE”:
MONDAY (APRIL 4) marks the Reds’ Opening Day, which is one of the least productive days of the year for the entire Tri-State Area, as well as continuing to count down the 291 unproductive days for the rest of the nation remaining during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, unless the First Black President in History is impeached.
TUESDAY (APRIL 5) we’ll staying up sort of late to watch the results of both the Republican and DemocRAT Presidential Primaries, and our Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers be asking our Feckless Fishwrappers if they’re still glad the endorsed Ohio’s Goofy Governor John Kasich for President.
WEDNESDAY (APRIL 6) we’ll be checking with people who’ve had their taxes done so they can find out how much of their hard-earned money will be confiscated by the IRS on April 18 so Obama and our Crooks in Congress can keep pissing it away.
THURSDAY (APRIL 7) we’ll be we’ll be we’ll be checking in to see how long it’ll be before “Tax Freedom Day” arrives, when the nation as a whole has earned enough money to pay off its total tax bill for the year.
THE FIRST LINE OF FRIDAY’S (APRIL 8) LIMERICK IS “This year on the Reds’ Opening Day.”
AND SATURDAY (APRIL 9) we’ll be trying to figure out if the Reds have yet been eliminated this year.
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially DOPEY REDS FANS!
Also Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Rob “Fighting for Same-Sex Global-Warming” Portman. Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception shows us just how far our Politically Correct Politician might go to get himself introduced at Monday’s Opening Day.
WEEK IN REVIEW HOT LINE
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Some political score-keeping items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally political score-keeping subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.
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