FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2016      

Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers  

Some people could hardly believe all those really sincere apologies this morning in The Whistleblower-Newswire’s “Annual Mea Culpa” E-dition. —Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane 

 That’s because we warned The Blower that some of its recently published items might have actually offended some people with delicate sensibilities, and we advised they recant, fully and completely, so damages in any legal actions against them might be at least somewhat mitigated.   —The Whistleblower Legal Dream Team

You mean those weren’t real apologies? — Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and get all of their information from our Obama Supporters in the Press, like the ones on Channel 5

I’m sorry I got caught censoring a video of French President Francois Hollande saying that “Islamist terrorism” is at the “roots of terrorism.” —Obama

I’m sorry for that time I embarrassed Obama’s White House Propaganda Minister Josh Earnest by asking “Do you still believe that Indicted Traitor Bowe Bergdahl served with honor and distinction?” —Fox News Obama Basher Ed Henry

I’m sorry people took my presidential campaign seriously. It was supposed to be just a big joke. —Donald Trump

I’m sorry I continue to embarrass the Great State of Ohio by staying in the Presidential race knowing there’s no way I’ll ever be the nominee. —Delusional Ohio Governor John Kasich. 

 We’re NOT sorry we chose Ted Cruz’s “unlike Barack Obama, I was not a community organizer before I was elected to the senate,” when Cruz was being grilled by biased Liberal CNN Airhead Dana Brash. —Today’s Quote for Today Committee

I’m sorry I erased all those incriminating e-mails that used to be on my illegal hard drive. —2016 Dishonest DemocRAT Presidential Nominee Hillary Clinton

I’m sorry I was quoted admitting that should the American Jewish community be in danger, it has only Israel to rely on – and not America. —Obama’s Doofus Vice President Joe Biden

On yesterday’s date in 1492 Jews were expelled from Spain, and this year Kroger’s at the Anderson Food Court says they’re sorry they didn’t stock any kosher wine for Passover, but how about some stale left-over Hanukkah cookies instead? —Hurley the Historian

I’m sorry I never met half those people on the host committee for my upcoming County Commissioner fundraiser. —Anderson Trustee Andy Pappas

I’m sorry I showed my true colors by joining the junk science bandwagon when I voted “yes” on an amendment declaring that climate change is real, caused by human activity, and Congress should do something about it, whatever the hell that means. —Senator Rob “Fighting for More Liberal Crap” Portman

Governor Mike Pence says he’s sorry all those Liberals got so bent out of shape after he signed Indiana’s Supposedly Homophobic Religious Freedom Restoration Act (RFRA), especially since the first RFRA was a 1993 federal law that was signed into law by DemocRAT President Bill Clinton and Obama didn’t even vote present as usual, when he voted for the Illinois Religious Freedom Reformation Act In 1998. —Indiana Bureau Chief Hoosier Daddy

When Dumbed Down DemocRAT Connecticut Governor Dannel Malloy announced plans to sign an executive order to ban state-funded travel to Indiana because that controversial bill could allow businesses to discriminate against gay people, did he forget that his state has the same law? —Today’s Stupid Liberal Liar Award Committee

I’m sorry I done much to get Ohio to pass a Religious Freedom Bill lately, but I spend a lot of time watching replays of “Sluts in the Suburbs” because I just learned “swingers are the third riskiest HIV group” behind gay men and drug users. —Citizens for Community Morals President Phil Burr-Ass

My DVR was on the fritz. When are they going to run that Sluts in the Suburbs show again? —“In Russ We Trust” Jackson

I’m sorry my Racist Supporters threw a tantrum and threatened to disrupt Baseball’s All Star Game in Cincinnati last year. —Convicted Ditzy Democrat Juvie Judge Traci Hunter

Property Owners might be sorry if they forget to file their formal complaints with the Hamilton County Board of Revision by yesterday’s deadline. —Hamilton County’s Disingenuous Double-Dipping Democrat Auditor, who still hasn’t explained exactly how his office came up with its Fair Property Values for your Jacked-Up Property Taxes that were due on Ground Hog’s Day Eve.

All my Snitches say they were sorry to have to return from ogling young girls with Major Yabbos on Florida beaches during Spring Break. —Ken CamBoo

Are you sure all those apologies were real, especially the ones where The Blower doesn’t actually publish your name but everybody knows who you’re talking about anyway? —“Trish The Dish” at TV 19

Don’t you just love those bimbo blondes? — WCPO-TV Helicopter Reporter Dan Carroll (Formerly with TV 19)

Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Artificial Apologists.

Another Proud Sponsor and Avid Fan

Today’s edition is brought to you by a generous “in-kind” donation during our April fund-raising drive by those talented people at Studio Art Services in Kenwood, who could get into the political bumper sticker business in a big way with designs like this.