WEDNESDAY, MARCH 30, 2016
Merrymaking In Milwaukee
All three GOP contenders (Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, and John Kasich as The Beaver) backed away from their earlier joke pledges to support the eventual Republican nominee during a so-called CNN town hall on Tuesday.
Meanwhile, Tuesday Night On Late Night TV
It’s the second week of spring, but New York City was under a high wind advisory all day, with wind gusts up to 50 mph. Most New Workers went about their daily routines, while Donald Trump went into his panic room.
The weather here in New York was sunny, but chilly. Or as meteorologists call it, “The Hillary Clinton.”
Fidel Castro wrote a letter addressing President Obama’s historic trip to Cuba and said that Cuba doesn’t want any presents from the U.S. — which, as any husband will tell you, means they definitely want presents.
Today, President Obama hosted the annual Easter Egg Roll at the White House, and the theme was “Let’s Celebrate.” Obama came up with the theme “Let’s Celebrate” when he realized it’s the last year he would ever have to do this. “I’ve pardoned my last turkey, rolled my last egg. God bless America.”
The Kardashians went to church yesterday for Easter Sunday. The ceremony was beautiful, but it got awkward when the Kardashians went to confession and kept looking for a camera. Kim said, “Where do I talk?”
Yesterday, Donald Trump welcomed his eighth grandchild. It was so sweet when Donald met him, he was like, “Welcome to the Elite Eight.”
Donald Trump became a grandfather again yesterday. However, Trump says he won’t visit his new grandson until he learns to speak English.
While covering the Democratic caucuses on Saturday, CNN had a “caucus cam” set up. Yeah, a camera that just shows pics of your caucus. Or as most people call that, Snapchat.
Donald Trump’s campaign manager is facing charges for grabbing a female reporter’s arm. Trump scolded his campaign manager and said, “On my campaign we only abuse women verbally.”
There are rumors that Ted Cruz has had affairs with up to eight different women. Ted Cruz refuses to answer questions about the scandal, but he is accepting high-fives.
A man claiming to be William Shatner’s biological son is suing the actor for $170 million. Shatner was shocked and said, “I’m an actor?”
More than 47,000 people have signed a petition to allow guns at the Republican National Convention. And every single one of them is a Democrat.
Ted Cruz is being accused of having affairs with five different women. And five different women are being accused of having terrible taste in men.
Over the weekend, the Rolling Stones performed in Cuba. Cuban fans said, “We’re excited to see a rock band that’s even older than our cars.”
A conservative radio host told Donald Trump he reminds him of a 12-year-old playground bully. Trump responded by shoving the host and calling him a “gaywad.”
A man used a fake bomb to hijack an EgyptAir flight. Here’s the crazy part — it was all an attempt to deliver a love letter to his ex-wife who he was trying to win back. So relax, everyone. It’s not terrorism, just good old stalking and harassment.
I don’t know about you, but to me it looks like someone forgot to check his emotional baggage.
Donald Trump became a grandfather for the eighth time, ladies and gentlemen. When Trump actually met the baby, he was like, “Wow, look at the size of those hands!”
The family says the baby is doing well and has already used its building blocks to build a wall between him and his nanny.
Meanwhile, on the Democrat side, Bernie Sanders has been on a hot streak. He won three states on Saturday, but the biggest thing that happened to him was at a rally in Portland, Oregon, where he got a surprise visit from an unexpected guest. That bird landing on his podium was actually the closest Bernie Sanders has come to ever sending a tweet.
I’m not mocking Bernie, but when a bird lands on your podium and that’s the biggest reaction you get, maybe you’re not the most interesting presidential candidate. Bernie was like, “OK, let’s get back to the economy.” And the audience is like, “Awww.”
According to the State Department, virtually every foreign leader who meets with Secretary of State John Kerry has expressed concern about the Republican presidential primary election. There’s no need to be concerned. It’s silly. Once President Trump builds a wall around your country, you’ll never see us again.
According to a new NBC News poll, Donald Trump now has support from 48 percent of Republican voters. All the men and none of the wives.
John Kasich is in third with 18 percent, but he says he won’t give up. He’s vowed to keep running. He’s going to keep running until one person in America can identify him by face and then he will stop.
President Obama and first lady Michelle Obama hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. It’s a tradition that’s been going on for 138 years. Since the year Bernie Sanders was born. If Bernie Sanders is elected president, they’re switching to soft-boiled eggs.
Donald Trump got a nice delivery on Sunday: a new grandson. His daughter Ivanka gave birth to a baby boy. She named him Theodore, which is interesting. Theodore is usually shortened to Ted, like Ted Cruz. That’s one way to get back at your father. “Dad, we’d like you to meet Theodore, Rosie, Megyn Kelly, Mexicans, Muslims, Jeb Bush.”
As of a couple of hours ago, Donald Trump hasn’t tweeted about his new grandson. He’s waiting to see the birth certificate. He’s nothing if not fair.
Donald Trump in a new interview supported the idea of holding back attacks on the wives and children of rival candidates, before adding, “All you have to do is tell that to Ted Cruz because he started it.” Trump then added, “I’m not touching him! I’m not touching him! I’m not touching him!”
A man in Egypt held up a flight today with the demand that he would not release its passengers until a love letter was delivered to his ex-wife. And afterwards his ex-wife said, “THIS is why. Stuff like THIS is why.”
Conservative pundit Glenn Beck said Friday that Ted Cruz was “anointed” by God to become president. To which God replied, “No, no, no, I said he was ‘annoying.’”
Plus a Few Photographic Punchlines
More Political Punch Lines Later on The Whistleblower Newswire
