More “Political Punch Lines” E-dition

FEB 11 POLITICAL PUNCH LINES

THURSDAY, MARCH 17, 2016

Newt Gingrich, former U.S. Speaker of the House, left, listens as Rick Santorum, former U.S. Senator, speaks during a presidential debate sponsored by Bloomberg via Getty Images and The Washington Post held at Dartmouth College in Hanover, New Hampshire, U.S., on Tuesday, Oct. 11, 2011. The event moderated by U.S. television talk show host Charlie Rose and featuring eight Republican candidates, presents the first debate of the 2012 political season focused solely on the economy. Photographer: Scott Eells/Bloomberg via Getty ImagesLiberal Hysteria Good For Laughs

A Washington Post opinion piece calling for a brokered convention to stop GOP front-runner Donald Trump from being named as the party’s presidential nominee shows how the “hysteria of the left” will continue to grow all summer, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich said Thursday.

 Meanwhile, Wednesday Night On Late Night TV
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  • Donald Trump won every Republican state primary last night except for Ohio, which went to John Kasich. Trump didn’t seem to mind, since, as he put it, “The word Ohio is full of zeros.” (It’s 50 percent zeros!)
  • Marco Rubio pulled out of the race after losing the Florida primary to Trump by almost 20 points. But he still has a great story. I mean nothing symbolizes America more than the son of poor immigrants growing up to run for president and being crushed by a billionaire.

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(Was Not On)
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  • (FROM TUESDAY NIGHT)  Today is Super Tuesday. Again. Am I the only one who thinks there are starting to be more Super Tuesdays than normal Tuesdays? They’re even calling it Super Tuesday 3.
  • If we’ve learned anything from Hollywood franchises, then today will be an expensive letdown.
  • Over the weekend, Hillary was endorsed by a California leader of the KKK, Will Quigg, because he believes she will do the exact opposite of what she promises and that she’s an “undercover Hitler.” That makes me think three things. 1) She’s not. 2) She’s definitely not. And 3) “Undercover Hitler” sounds like the worst spin-off of “Undercover Boss.”

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  • Trump won four of the five primaries last night. Assuming she wins Missouri, Hillary Clinton went five for five in the primaries. Disappointing night for Bernie Sanders, which was a surprise; he was polling well among everyone’s most annoying Facebook friends.
  • The bad news for the leaders of both parties, both Clinton and Trump have a very high unfavorability rating. Hillary is 53 percent unfavorable, Trump clocks in at an extraordinary 63 percent unfavorable. Which, I think, like only Jared from Subway has higher than that. 
  • This election is going to be the political equivalent of having lunch at Panda Express — nobody wins. 
  • The big win for Trump was in Marco Rubio’s home state of Florida. Rubio won one county in his home state, Miami. That was thanks to a last-minute endorsement from the sound machine.
  • A disappointing finish for Marco Rubio. A man who fueled his campaign with all the fire and spontaneity of Vicki the robot from “Small Wonder.”

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  • Donald Trump won yesterday’s Republican primaries in Florida, Illinois, and North Carolina. Trump did especially well with white males, Caucasian men, and non-women of no color.
  • While announcing last night that he is dropping out, Marco Rubio told supporters, “We should have seen this coming.” If it makes you feel any better, Marco, we did.
  • President Obama announced today that he is nominating Washington, D.C. Circuit Court Judge Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court. “I can’t win anything this week!” screamed JoJo from The Bachelor.

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  • (NO POLITICAL JOKES REPORTED FOR TUESDAY AND WEDNESDAY, OR IF THEY WERE, THEY WEREN’T FUNNY ENOUGH TO MAKE OUR LIST)

But We Do Have Some Marvelous Mockery About Ohio’s One-State Wonder from Rush Limbaugh.image018 image020

More Political Punch Lines Later on The Whistleblower Newswireimage009 image010