SUNDAY, MARCH 13, 2016

It’s Daylight Savings Time, Everybody!          

IT’S NOW TIME TO SPRING FORWARD: Now where’d we put those damn instructions for changing the time on our new digital watch and the dashboard clock in our cars? Our Quote for Today Committee likes Gary Shandling’s “I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was on the night the clocks are set ahead.” But actually, as confusing as the reasons for Daylight Savings Time are, you shouldn’t forget Yogi Berra’s scientific explanation: “It gets late earlier out there.”

SPEAKING OF TELLING TIME: Our Campaign Countdown Clockwatcher tells us now there are only 312 more days of bad government remaining during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, unless he decides to run for a third term or gets his half-black ass impeached.

IT WAS HISTORIC: Francine the Feisty Feminist wonders if The Blower was finally offering equal rights for women, since it’s not too often that a member of the Fair Sex ever gets chosen to be Guest Editrix in our Friday series of Guest Column E-ditions, like when Sassy Sarah Palin was selected to be that week’s guest editor and choose three items plus a Quickie for Friday’s E-dition from our Current Cadre of Conservative Columnists and Contributors.

OUR LATE NIGHT JOKEWATCHER liked the time when Jay Leno said, “Liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree and think 25-to-life would be appropriate.” 

HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says last week in 1876, 29-year-old Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone, but it wasn’t until many years later that Time Warner started stealing the phone company’s customers. 

WHISTLEBLOWER GOSSIP COLUMNIST LINDA LIBEL says just in time for Women’s History Month, they’d stocked up on “Meow Mix” in the local TV newsroom break areas.  They were going to need it. Word is some of the ladies have had their claws specially sharpened in preparation for when the latest ratings information is released.

ALSO ONE TIME DURING WOMEN’S HISTORY MONTH, Mike DeWhine’s wife, Fran, e-mailed Republicans her new recipe for Llapingachos (Ecuadorian cheese-filled potato pancakes), guaranteed to clog your arteries in three seconds flat.  May that’s why the Ohio Attorney General was being treated at The Christ Hospital after fainting that year during a speaking engagement in Cincinnati.

Meanwhile, down at Hamilton County RINO Headquarters, Party Boss Alex T., Mall COP GOP had sent out another time-wasting Twitter asking all his followers to demand that this year’s Republican National Convention in Cleveland be moved to Cincinnati, because Cleveland is too friendly to protest mobs that will try to disrupt the RNC Convention in July, should Donald Trump be the nominee.

TODAY’S UNITED APPALL PERSON (During Women’s History Month) is diner waitress Emily Frump, who stops in several times a day at the Carolyn Washburn Drop-Inn Center for Extremely Unattractive Nymphomaniacs, another one of the seemingly endless United Appall Agencies serving some of the area’s more unfortunate citizens. Emily hopes the United Appall meets its fund-raising goal next week so she can continue to meet lonely men and satisfy their insatiable sexual cravings. “I just want to be loved,” says Emily. “Is there anything wrong with that?”
AND IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo reports Horny in Hebron says BB&BJ Day on March 20 is always a good way to celebrate Women’s History Month.

FINALLY, AT THIS MORNING’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane why John Kasich probably won’t be able to count on much support from Conservatives in Ohio on Tuesday. First the New York Times endorsed him. Then The Fishwrap endorsed him. Ohio Senator Rob “Fighting For Same Sex Marriage” Portman endorsed him. And this weekend, only a few days before the Primary Election, Disgraced and Reviled Former Speaker John Boehner endorsed him. How many Kisses of Death can one Candidate endure?

Another Improbable Interview by Bunky Tadwell

          FINALLY, with everybody really excited to set their clocks ahead this weekend, The Blower was trying to understand the logic behind this confusing event, so we sent Bunky Tadwell to interview Professor Homer Schnorer of the Grindle, Indiana Institute of Flora and Fauna.

BT: Just what is Daylight Savings Time?
HS: It is what it is, the saving of daylight and time.

BT: Exactly how is it done?
HS: That was a problem when it was first proposed by Ben Franklin. He needed more time to light his invention, the Franklin Stove and more daylight to check out another one of his inventions, bi-focal glasses.

BT: He was a busy boy.
HS: Not too busy to cast his bread upon Colonial waters, if you know what I mean.

BT: I guess he would use more time but he wouldn’t need more daylight for that.
HS: The problem was…how to store the daylight and time. Spread too much daylight and one couldn’t sleep. And time was what kept everything from happening all at once. Stored in Mason jars and the daylight showed through the glass.  And glass jars break too easily. To shorten the story, someone hit on the idea of metal barrels stored under ground.

BT: How’s that working out?
HS: Over the years, we’ve filled up almost all of the available space. And some barrels are leaking. Turns out daylight and time are corrosive. We’ve filled up most of Tasmania, empty land in Australia, all of the U.S., a large portion of Antarctica, Mongolia, and who knows where else.

BT: Sounds serious!
HS: Fortunately, we’ve found a solution…shoot the stuff into outer space. With any luck, the stuff will hit a black hole and disappear…like promises in Washington.

BT: That’s good news!
HS: The bad news is that since Obama shut down the space program, we have to borrow money from the Chinese to pay the Russians to do it for us.

Obviously, Bunky could’ve used that extra hour of rest to work on this Daylight Savings column.

 Whistleblower Video of the Day

Daylight Savings Time 2015

PLUS

Spring Forward (Fall Back)_Daylight Saving Time protest song

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