SUNDAY, MARCH 6, 2016

More Politics Unusual

HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says around this date in 1876, 29-year-old Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone, but it wasn’t until many years later that Time Warner started stealing Cincinnati Bell’s customers.

Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose then-President, the former Cincinnati City Solicitor, Congressman, and Two-Term Ohio Governor, Republican Rutherford B. Hayes’ “An amazing invention – but who would ever want to use one?” Do you think they’re teaching any of that at the Failed Cincinnati Public Schools and the Forrest Gump School District these days, when they’re not illegally campaigning for higher taxes on over-taxed payers’ time?

Two years ago on this date, Defeated Congresswoman “Mean Jean” Schmidt was sending out an e-mail cancelling her big Schmidt for Congress event scheduled for the Ides of March. Talk about an omen! Bob McEwen remembers it well. Our Revered Former Congressman is in Seoul, Korea, speaking at the Presidential Prayer Breakfast.

THE LATEST POLLS: Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen says so far the Republicans’ organized punch-out of Donald Trump doesn’t seem to be working, but we won’t know for sure until 10 days from now when GOP voters in Florida and Ohio go to the polls. Despite two hard-hitting debates and a strong denunciation of Trump by Mitt Romney, the last Republican presidential candidate, voters are even more convinced that the billionaire businessman will be this year’s GOP nominee. [READ MORE HERE]

OUR LATE NIGHT TV JOKEWATCHER liked Jimmy Fallon’s: Mitt Romney gave a big speech against Donald Trump today and said, “A business genius he is not.” Then Romney was like, “Yoda, my speechwriter is.” Romney also said Trump’s promises are as worthless as a degree from Trump University. Then Trump said, “Or as worthless as a Romney 2012 poster.” Mitt Romney also said Donald Trump is playing the American public for a free ride to the White House and, quote, “All we get is a lousy hat.” Not to mention a $30 picture of how scared we all look on the way down. The Google search “How to move to Canada” started trending after Donald Trump’s impressive showing on Super Tuesday. Or as Canadians put it, “Great, now we need to build a wall.”

Conan O’Brien said: It’s being reported that the Democrats have a plan to “shatter the Republican Party.” When he heard, Donald Trump said, “Beat you to it!” Ted Cruz is trying to tie Donald Trump to a prominent mobster. In an attempt to repair the damage to his reputation, the mobster is distancing himself from Trump. And a marijuana activist group is planning a protest at the White House on April 2. They’re expected to show up around May 9.

James Corden said: American astronaut Scott Kelly returned from the International Space Station yesterday after spending almost a full year in space. A record-breaking year in space. So I guess that means that my 10 months in space are now completely irrelevant. Upon returning, Scott Kelly measured two inches taller. This is due to his vertebrae not being compressed in a low-gravity environment. And the fact that he started wearing heels. When he landed, waiting for him on the tarmac was Jill Biden, Joe Biden’s wife. There’s got to be an easier way to meet Jill Biden. I mean a year in space gets you a meet-and-greet with the vice president’s wife. What do you have to do to meet the president?

Jimmy Kimmel says: Mitt Romney this morning made a televised speech in which he went all in after Donald Trump. He called him a phony and a fraud. He said he’s playing the American public for suckers. I haven’t seen Mitt this fired up since that time he dripped mayonnaise on a new pair of chambray Dockers. If Mitt Romney is the big gun the Republicans sent in to stop Trump, they’re in a lot of trouble. It’s like sending a meter maid in to break up a prison riot.

And Seth Meyers said: Ben Carson sat out tonight’s 11th Republican debate. And kinda the first 10. Chris Christie was asked today about his vacant expression during Donald Trump’s Super Tuesday victory speech, and told reporters, “I wasn’t anything other than happy.” Well, if that expression means you’re happy, then my wife was thrilled when I forgot her birthday. And a farm in Ohio has the words “NO TRUMP” written so large in cow manure that it can be seen by overhead planes. The craziest part — no one asked the cow to do that.

LIBERAL LUNACY: In Human Events’ “365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy,” #91 says you should turn up at your local Muslim outreach program by wearing an “I’d rather be Waterboarding” t-shirt.

GOING GALT means taking the John Galt Pledge. Let’s all say it together: “I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.”

IN THIS WEEK’S COLUMN FROM PATRONAGE COUNTY TITLED “VOTING EARLY AND OFTEN,” We learned what happened when early voting began for the March 15 Primary Elections in Patronage County. That op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.

NOW HERE’S THE LATEST FROM BUNKY TADWELL, The Odious Octogenarian: a special early St. Patrick’s Day offering from his latest book, “Love Poems for the Horny Hibernians”:

As you wander the valley of life
May your troubles give you a pass.
And now and then a friendly wind
Will blow gently up your ass.

MEANWHILE, OUR MUCKRAKER has been turning over rocks on our Monday’s so-called debate story between State Rep-tile “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman and his inexperienced opponent running on a tantrum, and discovered who donated $10,000 to Brinkman’s opponent’s campaign. Check it out HERE. And try to act surprised.

SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL: Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible. This week’s Seediest Kid of All was “Me, Greg” Hartmann, an attention-starved Hyde Park second-grader who was never chosen for anything important, no matter how much he sucked up to everybody at school. [READ MORE HERE]

WHISTLEBLOWER SENIOR BUSINESS EDITOR MERRILL FORBES reports the bulls have gained the upper hand in the U.S. stock market in recent weeks and strategists are cautiously optimistic the rebound will continue. A lot is riding on whether economic data can continue to hold up, since upbeat reports in recent weeks have eased fears the United States may be headed for a recession.

THE FREE GRAIN PARTY still stands as the last refuge of anyone who’s willing to help himself from the stores of others, and many Free Grain Party Members can hardly wait until the next Disingenuous DemocRAT Debate to see how much FREE Stuff is being promised. Hillary and Bernie were clashing in a Debate in Flint, Michigan tonight arguing over whom give could away more free stuff.

Free Grain Party Members include all DemocRATS, RINO Republicans, some TEA Partiers, quite a few Independents, disgruntled postal workers, senior citizens demanding free prescriptions, those who believe bigger government is the answer to all their problems, everybody who said “what Bill Clinton did was indefensible, but he shouldn’t be removed from office,” and those who think pork-barrel spending is OK as long as their district gets the money.

Unfortunately, that group probably doesn’t include all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and get all of their information from our Obama Supporters in the Press.

FINALLY AT TONIGHT’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Charles Foster Kane what story this week should’ve gotten a lot more coverage in The Blower. Was it what Marco Rubio said about ISIS at the Republican presidential debate? Was it what did Ted Cruz said about the national debt? Was it what John Kasich said about jobs? All we remember is what Donald Trump said about the size of his penis, and next we’ll try to have more to say about that.

Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 742 different websites for the production of today’s Blower, many of our filches were from our friends at Weasel Zippers

AND COMING UP IN “THE WEEK THAT WILL BE”

MONDAY (MARCH 7), we’ll be celebrating Women’s History Month, while we’re continuing our countdown of the 320 days remaining during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, unless he’s impeached.

TUESDAY (MARCH 8) is that big Republican Primary Election in Michigan when John Kasich’s Cheerleaders at The Fishwrap hope their endorsed Presidential Candidate finishes higher than his customary last place.

WEDNESDAY (MARCH 9) everybody will probably still be all those delegates Donald Trump won Tuesday night.

THURSDAY (MARCH 10) we’ll be checking to see if Hillary’s been indicted yet.

THE FIRST LINE OF FRIDAY’S (MARCH 11) LIMERICK IS “Celebrating Political Backstabbers Day.”

AND SATURDAY (MARCH 12) we’ll letting everybody know what happened at Friday night’s Clermont County Republican Party Lincoln Reagan Day Dinner.

Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially CLERMONT CRONIES!

ALSO REMEMBER: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Hamilton County’s Disingenuous Double-Dipping Democrat Auditor, who still hasn’t explained exactly how his office came up with its Fair Property Values for your Jacked-Up Property Taxes. Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception shows us what might happen if you file a complaint with the Auditor’s Board of Revision.

WEEK IN REVIEW HOT LINE

e-mail your revolutionary recaps today

Some political score-keeping items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally political score-keeping subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.

Today’s Whistleblower Video

A Farewell to Nancy Reagan

Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.