WEDNESDAY, MARCH 2, 2016

Debacle In Detroit

There should be a lot of laughs for Conservatives watching Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, and John Kasich as The Beaver tomorrow night on Fox News. 

Meanwhile, Last Night On Late Night TV

• Super Tuesday could be do or die for a lot of candidates, including Ted Cruz, who could be knocked out of the race depending on how things went tonight. Cruz said that dropping out would allow him to spend more time with his family, then his family said, “We gotta get this guy some votes!”
• Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke during oral arguments yesterday for the first time in over 10 years. I guess his exact words were, “Damn, that was some good weed.”
• Kim Kardashian spoke out about Kanye West’s Twitter rants and said she wants everyone to be as honest as Kanye. Then people were like, “OK, we don’t know why you’re famous.”
• The very first Boeing 727 ever made, back in 1962, was scheduled to make its last flight today. Passengers were like, “Cool, I’ll take the next flight.”
• Lawmakers in New Hampshire are now backing a bill that would make it illegal for women to expose their breasts in public because they say it could hurt tourism. Then New Orleans said, “You sure about that?”

• Donald Trump said, “There’s nobody that’s done so much for equality as I have.” That’s right, he said: “In some states, I’m hated equally by blacks and Hispanics.”
• Today, 13 states are holding either primaries or caucuses in the big event called Super Tuesday. This year, Super Tuesday will be followed by “Holy S—, Trump Won Everything Wednesday.”
• Osama bin Laden’s will has come out, and in the will he says he wanted most of his $29 million fortune to be used “on jihad.” And $5 million goes to his Siamese cat, Mr. Peepers.
• Analysts say Hillary Clinton’s plan to defeat Donald Trump involves painting Trump as “dangerous and bigoted.” She plans on doing this by quoting Trump accurately.

• Today was Super Tuesday, the day during an election year on which several states hold primary elections. And depending on the results of Super Tuesday, tomorrow could be Panic Wednesday.
• This Super Tuesday could be the day that Trump running for president becomes officially not funny anymore.
• Why do Americans call this day Super Tuesday? Do you even know what the word “super” means? Calling the primary elections “super” is like calling broccoli a “guilty pleasure.”
• At a rally in Georgia yesterday, Trump was endorsed by the CEO of NASCAR and several prominent NASCAR drivers. With the NASCAR endorsement, Donald Trump has locked up the coveted “guy you wish your sister would break up with” vote.
• The CEO of NASCAR, Brian France, spoke, saying that “Trump is a family man.” And it’s true, just ask any of Trump’s three wives.
• To be honest, I don’t know why this is even news. Donald Trump being endorsed by NASCAR is like Bernie Sanders being endorsed by a vegan coffee shop.

• Super Tuesday was today — and this year only, Super Tuesday will be followed by Horrified Wednesday.
• There was voting today in 13 states with hundreds of delegates at stake. Jeb Bush spent his Super Tuesday at home ironing and re-ironing his Tommy Bahama shirts.
• Every cable news channel covered every morsel of everything from morning until night today, and the funny thing is the election is still 250 days away. You think the red carpet coverage for the Oscars is long, and then you see this.
• Donald Trump has been defending himself after failing to immediately condemn an endorsement from former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke. Trump blamed his hesitation on a bad earpiece. Or maybe he said hairpiece.

• Donald Trump said in a new interview that there’s nobody that’s done so much for equality as he has. Well, he does appear to be doing everything in his power to make sure America has its first female president.
• A new report has found that super PACs supporting Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz have spent over $7 million on ads trying to bring down Donald Trump, when they could have just spent $500 on a wind machine.
• It is being widely reported that there is solid, photographic proof linking Hillary Clinton to a known terrorist organization. An editor at Politico was tipped off that in Hillary Clinton’s book “Living History,” Hillary included a picture of her family in 1959 with their cat — ISIS!
• That’s right, Hillary Clinton’s childhood cat was named ISIS. This is the most shocking political pet news since Jimmy Carter revealed his childhood cat’s name was Ayatollah Katmeini.
• Politico isn’t claiming that Hillary Clinton named her cat after ISIS. We have to leave open the possibility that ISIS named themselves after Hillary’s cat.

Plus We Have A Few Photographic Punchlines More Political Punch Lines Later on The Whistleblower Newswire