Special “Resolutions and Restitutions” E-dition

DEC 30 RESOLUTIONS AND RESTITUTIONS

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2015

image004Another obligatory year-end ritual for pandering publications is a list of local celebrity New Year’s resolutions. Here’s some you’ll probably never see:      

image009PAUL RYNO: Try not to look like such a wimp whenever I cave in to Obama and those Disingenuous DemocRATS.

image009OBAMA: Try not to get impeached.

image009image015DONALD TRUMP: Come up with more outrageous things to say that will piss off the Liberal News Media so they’ll give me more air time.

image009HILLARY: Stand by my man.

image009SLICK WILLIE: Deny each and every one of my “alleged” Sexual Assaults.

image009DUMBED-DOWN, SELF-ABSORBED, MEDIA-INFLUENCED, CELEBRITY-OBSESSED, POLITICALLY-CORRECT, UNINFORMED, SHORT-ATTENTION-SPAN, FREE-STUFF GRABBING, LOW-INFORMATION OBAMA SUPPORTERS WHO PUT THE POSITIVELY WORST PRESIDENT IN HISTORY IN THE WHITE HOUSE—TWICE, AND GET ALL OF THEIR INFORMATION FROM OUR OBAMA SUPPORTERS IN THE PRESS: Ignore all those Obama Lies.

image009image016OHIO REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR JOHN KASICH: Wait till after the Iowa Caucuses to pull out of the 2016 Republican Presidential Race.

image009ROB “FIGHTING FOR FAGELLAS” PORTMAN: Make another really shocking announcement this year.

image009TRI-STATE VOTE FRAUDERS: Get ready for the 2016 Elections on November 4.

image009CINCINNATI VICE MAYOR DAVID MANN AND CLOWNCILMAN KEVIN FLYNN-FLAM: Celebrate “Backstabbers Day” again on March 15.

image009CINCINNATI MAYOR JOHN CRANLEY: Always sit with my back against the wall at City Hall.

image009image006CLOWNCILGAY CHRIS SQUEALBACK: Don’t encourage dudes to leave messages for me on my windshield.

image009HAMILTON COUNTY RINO PARTY BOSS ALEX T., MALL COP GOP: concentrate on something really important, like finding more Facebook friends. 

image009DEMO-LABOR PARTY BOSS TIM BURKA: Make sure everybody knows how unfair it is for Colerain Township Trustee Dennis Deters to use his middle name “Joseph” on the ballot when he runs for Hamilton County Commissioner this year.

image009WHISTLEBLOWER GOSSIP COLUMNIST LINDA LIBEL: Reveal the name of my next “Political Philanderer.”

image009FECKLESS FISHWRAPPERS: try a little “Feck.”

image009REPUBLICANS FOR HIGHER TAXES: See if we can’t find a tax we don’t support.

image009ODD TODD OPPORTUNE: Try not to act scared when you hear about Anderson Trustee Andy Pappas’ campaign against you. 

image009NEW HAMILTON COUNTY SHERIFF JIM NEIL: Try to find enough money to keep all 920 people on staff.

image009image009AWARD-WINNING PHOTO ILLUSTRATOR ARTIS CONCEPTION: make fun of more politicians, just like when I sent The Blower “Mallory’s Snow Job Express.”

image009DITZY DEMOCRAT HAMILTON COUNTY JUVENILE COURT JUDGE TRACIE HUNTER: Hold more big events to raise money for my Legal Defense Fund.

image009IGNORANT AND APATHETIC HAMILTON COUNTY VOTERS: We don’t know and we don’t care.

image009KATHY HARRELL: Now that I got booted out as President of the FOP, hope not to see my name in The Blower as often. Continue to represent the local FOP with all the honor and dignity that organization deserves.

image009image010NEW CINCINNATI POLICE CHIEF ELIOT ISAAC: Do whatever Mayor Cranley and City Mangler “Baltimore Harry” Black tell me.

image009LOONY LIBERTARIAN CANDIDATE JIM BERNS: Try not to make people laugh when I tell them I’m running against Steve Chabothead as a DemocRAT this year. .

image009“TAXKILLER TOM” BRINKMAN AND CHRIS FINNEY: Come up with a few more phony awards to give ourselves at the next COAST Meeting.

image009$TAN CHE$LEY: Try to remember to stay out of Kentucky as long as there’s a bench warrant with my name on it in Boondoggle County.

image009“MEAN JEAN” SCHMIDT: Roll out my political comeback campaign in 2016.

 image009CINCINNATI BUNGALS OWNER “MILLIONAIRE MIKE” BROWN: laugh all the way to the bank. 

image009CINCINNATI BEARCATS FOOTBALL COACH TOMMY TUBERVILLE: Punt.

image009 image012LOCAL BLACK LIES MATTER ACTIVISTS: Try to get more favorable publicity in The Fishwrap than those Murdering Muslims.

image009CLERMONT COUNTY TEA PARTY PATRIOTS: Try to stay in business, especially since Ohio Second District Republican Congressman “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup earned a trip to the woodshed along with a primary opponent by betraying the people who sent him to Washington with his Omnibus vote last week.

image009PODIATRIST/CONGRESSMAN “BRONZE STAR” BRAD image018WENSTRUP: Pay no attention to my TEA Party Opponent in next year’s Primary.

image009BLUEGRASS BUREAU CHIEF KEN CAMBOO: Find a few more good NoKY snitches. 

image009U.S. SENATOR RAND PAUL: Make sure I get more votes in Iowa than John Kasich.

image009MATT BEVIN: Stick it to DemocRAT Ex-Governor Beshear every chance I get

image009BOONEDOGGLE COUNTY JUDGE/EXECUTIVE GARY MOORE: Don’t start to grow another beard.  

image009image025KENTON COUNTY COMMONWEALTH ATTORNEY E ROB SANDERS: find a bigger place for next year’s Christmas Party.

image009THAT CABAL OF NOKY ATTORNEYS OUT TO DESTROY ERIC “CALL ME CRAZY” (INCLUDING THE LISA WELLS WLW FAN CLUB): Keep sending more good stuff to the Kentucky Bar Association, like that item we just sent The Blower that has not yet been published.

image009RICK “THE BATBOY” ROBINSON: Find a way to write more lame jokes on Facebook.

image009MICHAEL LIQUID PLUMMER AND NATHAN “CORNBREAD” SMITH: Learn how to pronounce “inebriated” at the Whistleblower’s New Year’s Eve Party.

image009HORNY IN HEBRON: check out more of those Wilder Women.

 image009MISS VICKI: Publish a complete list of all those Uptight Bitches in Fort Thomas who faked their orgasms on World Orgasms for Peace Day.

image009OUR GOOD FRIEND BOBBY LEACH: e-mail more vile-and-disgusting photos to The Blower.

image009image023HURLEY THE HISTORIAN: Continue trying to teach people that “Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”

image009QUOTE FOR THE DAY COMMITTEE: Try to find a better line than “A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.”

image009WHISTLEBLOWER SNITCHES: Promise if we can’t find anything nice to say about somebody, to e-mail The Blower immediately!

image009BELOVED WHISTLEBLOWER PUBLISHER CHARLES FOSTER KANE: Never forget the “Whistleblower Motto.”

image036Now let’s all say it together: “Because wherever there’s corruption, we’ll be there. Wherever there’s injustice, we’ll be there. And wherever there’s a bunch of big guys beating up on a little guy, we’ll be there too…holding the little guy down.”

These are the real local celebrity New Year’s Resolutions. Any other local celebrity New Year’s resolutions you may see published elsewhere are surely fake.image021

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BROKEN NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS HOT LINE

e-mail your best intentions today

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Some phony New Year’s Resolution items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally phony New Year’s Resolution subscribers.image003

WHISTLEBLOWER VIDEO OF THE DAY

Happy New Year 2016

image036Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.image003

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