WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2015
Another obligatory year-end ritual for pandering publications is a list of local celebrity New Year’s resolutions. Here’s some you’ll probably never see:
PAUL RYNO: Try not to look like such a wimp whenever I cave in to Obama and those Disingenuous DemocRATS.
OBAMA: Try not to get impeached.
DONALD TRUMP: Come up with more outrageous things to say that will piss off the Liberal News Media so they’ll give me more air time.
HILLARY: Stand by my man.
SLICK WILLIE: Deny each and every one of my “alleged” Sexual Assaults.
DUMBED-DOWN, SELF-ABSORBED, MEDIA-INFLUENCED, CELEBRITY-OBSESSED, POLITICALLY-CORRECT, UNINFORMED, SHORT-ATTENTION-SPAN, FREE-STUFF GRABBING, LOW-INFORMATION OBAMA SUPPORTERS WHO PUT THE POSITIVELY WORST PRESIDENT IN HISTORY IN THE WHITE HOUSE—TWICE, AND GET ALL OF THEIR INFORMATION FROM OUR OBAMA SUPPORTERS IN THE PRESS: Ignore all those Obama Lies.
OHIO REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR JOHN KASICH: Wait till after the Iowa Caucuses to pull out of the 2016 Republican Presidential Race.
ROB “FIGHTING FOR FAGELLAS” PORTMAN: Make another really shocking announcement this year.
TRI-STATE VOTE FRAUDERS: Get ready for the 2016 Elections on November 4.
CINCINNATI VICE MAYOR DAVID MANN AND CLOWNCILMAN KEVIN FLYNN-FLAM: Celebrate “Backstabbers Day” again on March 15.
CINCINNATI MAYOR JOHN CRANLEY: Always sit with my back against the wall at City Hall.
CLOWNCILGAY CHRIS SQUEALBACK: Don’t encourage dudes to leave messages for me on my windshield.
HAMILTON COUNTY RINO PARTY BOSS ALEX T., MALL COP GOP: concentrate on something really important, like finding more Facebook friends.
DEMO-LABOR PARTY BOSS TIM BURKA: Make sure everybody knows how unfair it is for Colerain Township Trustee Dennis Deters to use his middle name “Joseph” on the ballot when he runs for Hamilton County Commissioner this year.
WHISTLEBLOWER GOSSIP COLUMNIST LINDA LIBEL: Reveal the name of my next “Political Philanderer.”
FECKLESS FISHWRAPPERS: try a little “Feck.”
REPUBLICANS FOR HIGHER TAXES: See if we can’t find a tax we don’t support.
ODD TODD OPPORTUNE: Try not to act scared when you hear about Anderson Trustee Andy Pappas’ campaign against you.
NEW HAMILTON COUNTY SHERIFF JIM NEIL: Try to find enough money to keep all 920 people on staff.
AWARD-WINNING PHOTO ILLUSTRATOR ARTIS CONCEPTION: make fun of more politicians, just like when I sent The Blower “Mallory’s Snow Job Express.”
DITZY DEMOCRAT HAMILTON COUNTY JUVENILE COURT JUDGE TRACIE HUNTER: Hold more big events to raise money for my Legal Defense Fund.
IGNORANT AND APATHETIC HAMILTON COUNTY VOTERS: We don’t know and we don’t care.
KATHY HARRELL: Now that I got booted out as President of the FOP, hope not to see my name in The Blower as often. Continue to represent the local FOP with all the honor and dignity that organization deserves.
NEW CINCINNATI POLICE CHIEF ELIOT ISAAC: Do whatever Mayor Cranley and City Mangler “Baltimore Harry” Black tell me.
LOONY LIBERTARIAN CANDIDATE JIM BERNS: Try not to make people laugh when I tell them I’m running against Steve Chabothead as a DemocRAT this year. .
“TAXKILLER TOM” BRINKMAN AND CHRIS FINNEY: Come up with a few more phony awards to give ourselves at the next COAST Meeting.
$TAN CHE$LEY: Try to remember to stay out of Kentucky as long as there’s a bench warrant with my name on it in Boondoggle County.
“MEAN JEAN” SCHMIDT: Roll out my political comeback campaign in 2016.
CINCINNATI BUNGALS OWNER “MILLIONAIRE MIKE” BROWN: laugh all the way to the bank.
CINCINNATI BEARCATS FOOTBALL COACH TOMMY TUBERVILLE: Punt.
LOCAL BLACK LIES MATTER ACTIVISTS: Try to get more favorable publicity in The Fishwrap than those Murdering Muslims.
CLERMONT COUNTY TEA PARTY PATRIOTS: Try to stay in business, especially since Ohio Second District Republican Congressman “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup earned a trip to the woodshed along with a primary opponent by betraying the people who sent him to Washington with his Omnibus vote last week.
PODIATRIST/CONGRESSMAN “BRONZE STAR” BRAD 
WENSTRUP: Pay no attention to my TEA Party Opponent in next year’s Primary.
BLUEGRASS BUREAU CHIEF KEN CAMBOO: Find a few more good NoKY snitches.
U.S. SENATOR RAND PAUL: Make sure I get more votes in Iowa than John Kasich.
MATT BEVIN: Stick it to DemocRAT Ex-Governor Beshear every chance I get
BOONEDOGGLE COUNTY JUDGE/EXECUTIVE GARY MOORE: Don’t start to grow another beard.
KENTON COUNTY COMMONWEALTH ATTORNEY E ROB SANDERS: find a bigger place for next year’s Christmas Party.
THAT CABAL OF NOKY ATTORNEYS OUT TO DESTROY ERIC “CALL ME CRAZY” (INCLUDING THE LISA WELLS WLW FAN CLUB): Keep sending more good stuff to the Kentucky Bar Association, like that item we just sent The Blower that has not yet been published.
RICK “THE BATBOY” ROBINSON: Find a way to write more lame jokes on Facebook.
MICHAEL LIQUID PLUMMER AND NATHAN “CORNBREAD” SMITH: Learn how to pronounce “inebriated” at the Whistleblower’s New Year’s Eve Party.
HORNY IN HEBRON: check out more of those Wilder Women.
MISS VICKI: Publish a complete list of all those Uptight Bitches in Fort Thomas who faked their orgasms on World Orgasms for Peace Day.
OUR GOOD FRIEND BOBBY LEACH: e-mail more vile-and-disgusting photos to The Blower.
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN: Continue trying to teach people that “Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”
QUOTE FOR THE DAY COMMITTEE: Try to find a better line than “A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.”
WHISTLEBLOWER SNITCHES: Promise if we can’t find anything nice to say about somebody, to e-mail The Blower immediately!
BELOVED WHISTLEBLOWER PUBLISHER CHARLES FOSTER KANE: Never forget the “Whistleblower Motto.”
Now let’s all say it together: “Because wherever there’s corruption, we’ll be there. Wherever there’s injustice, we’ll be there. And wherever there’s a bunch of big guys beating up on a little guy, we’ll be there too…holding the little guy down.”
These are the real local celebrity New Year’s Resolutions. Any other local celebrity New Year’s resolutions you may see published elsewhere are surely fake.
BROKEN NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS HOT LINE
e-mail your best intentions today
Some phony New Year’s Resolution items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally phony New Year’s Resolution subscribers.
WHISTLEBLOWER VIDEO OF THE DAY
Happy New Year 2016
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