SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 2015

We’re Praying For America’s Security!

This morning at the Church of The Compassionate Conservative, Beloved Whistleblower Publisher, the Right-Wing Reverend Charles Foster Kane was asking his Political Parishioners to ask for God’s protection helping America guard against those Murdering Muslims who would behead all the men, rape all the women and little girls, and set every homosexual on fire before throwing them from the tops of tall buildings. We’re not sure if this was the sermon Kane had originally planned, or just the continuation of his righteous rants he’d been delivering ever since we’d all seen how the Unity of 9/11 had devolved down to the Disunity of Obama’s America and all the lessons of that terrible day had been forgotten, rendered moot, or cast aside.

At the end of his moralistic meanderings, Kane saw the congregation had gotten the message, so he sought to lighten their load by showing them the PowerPoint Presentation his good friend Rabbi Kosherwitz planned to use at Rosh Hashanah services tonight, when Jews celebrated the coming of the New Year—The heartwarming story from Genesis about how Adam got Eve.

Adam was moping around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, “What’s wrong with you, Adam?”

Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to, so God said that He was going to make Adam a companion. And that it would be a woman.

God said, “This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash your fig leaf for you.”

“What else will she do?” Adam asked.

God said, “She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement.”

“Will she praise me?” Adam said.

“Constantly,” replied God, “And she will bear your children. And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.”