Special “Local FBI Raid” E-dition

WEDNESDAY, JULY 8, 2015

All That Was Missing Was Elliot Ness

Tuesday morning, all of Anderson Township was abuzz after Channel 9’s “Substantially True News,” TV 12, and every news outlet in town couldn’t wait to show us breaking news of that double-top secret FBI Raid at Doug Evans’ Landscaping location on Round Bottom Road in Newtown, blocking multiple entrances to the facility with unmarked vehicles. Agents at the scene claimed they were searching for evidence outlined in a sealed search warrant.

So far, none of The Blower’s Snitches and Bitches has confirmed the real reason for the FBI raid, although there have been several unsubstantiated theories. At press time, not even Anderson Township Trustee Andy Pappas had told us all the details.

Does Doug Evans have a Confederate flag on his office wall?

Did he refuse to discount mulch to a gay couple?

Is selling mulch called “Evans Darkie Supreme” now considered a hate crime by the Obama administration?

Has proof surfaced that Jimmy Hoffa was ground up into one of his mulch piles?

Anderson township teenagers have been buying what they call “Evans Wink Wink Green Mulch” and smoking it.

Has Evans been installing “ornamental cannabis” by special request on landscaping jobs?

Then there was that suspicious “weed” found growing widely on his Ivy Hills golf course?

Did Evans not vote for Hillary Clinton in the 2008 Ohio presidential primary? You know that bitch has a long memory.

Was Evans out of compliance with ObamaCare?

Was the FBI Raid just part of a background check prospective candidates for the Forrest Gump School Board have to put up with?

How many illegal aliens does Evans have working for him, anyway?

Or maybe the FBI just likes scaring the shit out of a big shot once in a while.

UPDATE: Indiana Bureau Chief Hoosier Daddy says Jared Fogel just had his home raided by the FBI looking into that Subway Guy’s possible connection to Internet porn. Coincidence? We think not.