Saturday, September 20, 2014
It’s Almost the Equinox, Everybody
Whistleblower Weather-guesser Delkus Apuozzo says as of 10:29 PM EDT on Monday, September 22, the 2014 Summer of our Discontent will be officially concluded and hopefully, the Fall of the Obama Administration will have formally begun.
Despite talk of impeachment, there are still 852 Days of Dishonesty and Division for America remaining during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, unless the First Black President in History is impeached, not that all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Voters Put Obama In The White House—Twice, would ever know the difference.
Oktoberfest Top Ten List
Today it’s sleazy Jerry Springer’s top ten sure-fire Oktoberfest pickup lines:
10. So what grade are you in, Honey?
9. Has anybody ever told you that you look like Della Sutorious?
8. Did you vote for me on “Dancing with the Stars?”
7. Mind if I share your Port-o-let?
6. Care for a bite of my bratwurst?
5. Hey, Fraulein, nice kraut!
4. I’m not wearing anything under my lederhosen.
3. My overnight ratings are terrific.
2. If you think my nose is big…
…And Jerry Springer’s number one Oktoberfest pickup line is… Are you really sure you won’t take a check?
Oktoberfest Observations
- While everybody’s waiting for our Disgraced Former Girly Mayor Mark Mallory to bite the first wiener, the Downtown Clown-cil says, if couples don’t observe the “No Sex” signs behind the Post Office at Oktoberfest this year and only have sex in the designated areas, next year’s event will be alcohol-free.
- Actually, TV 12’s news poll showed 30% of viewers with nothing better to do, thought this year’s Oktoberfest would be alcohol-free. Hello out there, people! It’s a beer fest. And just think, these clueless 30% are able to vote in real elections. Remember when Benjamin Franklin said, “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy?”
Whistleblower Senior National Political Affairs Analyst Britt Humus says watching what’s going on in Washington these days is enough to drive anybody to drink.- Speaking of Oktoberfest, Teutonic Teaser Martin Sonneborn is well-known for jokes bordering on the tasteless. But a satirical “Ick bin ein Obama” billboard of him posing in blackface makeup as US President Barack Obama is sparking outrage in Germany, at least among those liberal krauts in the press.
- Hurley the Historian says on tomorrow’s date in 1780, Benedict Arnold committed treason and today, Obama and his Disingenuous DemocRATS are calling House Republicans who didn’t vote to fund his Whatever Against ISIS traitors, too. It seems Boehner and his RINOs in the House caved in again to Obama on his cockamamie campaign, while Disingenuous DemocRATS in the Senate won’t be voting a broad resolution authorizing military strikes against the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS) after the midterm elections. Maybe that’s why Our Special Ed teacher who knows a lot about behavior modification says we should give Boehner a pat on the back. We can always kick him in the ass later.
- That’s why Our Quote for Today Committee chose Lisa Shearin’s “It’s not treason if you win.”
- Whistleblower Alternative Lifestyle Contributors Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis remember last year when that Fourth Tier Celebrity Gay Star Wars Character George Takei as Grand Marshall made Oktoberfest Zinzinnati 2013 the gayest Oktoberfest yet. Richard Simmons obviously wasn’t available. Everybody was waiting to see Senator if Rob “My Son is Gay” Portman and Deceased Gay Stargazer Jack Horkheimer Wannabe Dean Regas from the Cincinnati Observatory would also be joining Mr. Sulu in the “Choke My Chicken” Dance. Oh, myyy! This year it’s all up to Nick and Drew Lachey to do their dance, plugging a new record album release.
Our Good Friend Bobby Leach says watching “Boobs and Polkas” always gets him in the mood for Oktoberfest. - This year all supporters of both Cincinnati DemocRAT Midget Mayor John Cranley and his former rival Foxy Roxanne Qualls will be wearing “Hillary Clinton for President in 2016” T-Shirts on the front, and “At this point, what difference does it make?” on the back.
- Last Year’s Losing Loony Libertarian Mayoral Candidate Jim Berns will be waving a “Winburn Sign” somewhere in Clifton, but he should really be standing in front of Deadbeat Liz Rogers’ now closed Mahogany’s Restaurant at the Banks with all those other Black Germans, since “The Windbag” was one of the Soul Food Six on Cincinnati City Clowncil who voted to piss away $1 million of over-taxed payers’ money on that Affirmative Action Atrocity.
- Meanwhile, Queen Noble still says, “They’s all motherfucking bitches, every motherfucking one of them.”
Overheard at the FOP: City Mangler Dough Boy Honey’s choice for Cincinnati’s new police chief could’ve been worse. Instead of Jeffrey Blackwell, he could’ve picked Rosa Blackwell.- In Columbus, Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders says everybody is waiting for Governor Kasich-Taylor to designate October as German Heritage Month in Ohio. WTF’s all that about? Oktoberfest is always celebrated in September. September 15-October 15 is already Hispanic Heritage Month. And Hitler’s Birthday is always on April 20.
- In Anderson, TEA Party Township Trustee Andy Pappas can hardly wait until October 7, when the League of Women Vipers with host the lamest Candidate forum yet, between Returning 27th Ohio House District State Rep-Tile “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman and his unnamed DemocRAT Opponent the Anderson Center. But don’t worry about finding a place to park. The non-event will also be broadcast on Anderson Community Television. Last year, Disgraced Former Masturbating Trustee Kevin “Big Spanky” O’Brien made his final Viper Debate Appearance, when Kevin’s Forest Hills Urinal Enabler Lisa Wakeland forgot to ask if Kevin is now planning to visit Sweden, since Public Masturbation there is now legal. But Anderson’s own Family Friendly Fascist Chris Finney says Kevin has already proved in court it was still OK for him to masturbate in public in Anderson Township, so long as there was only one witness, even if she was a Wellborn woman who gave him a ride home and didn’t want him to masturbate, especially all over the front seat of her new car.
In Clermont County: Republican State Rep-tile John Becker said he’d buy us a beer at Oktoberfest if we mention he’d introduced legislation to block unsolicited absentee ballot applications (HB 266), said he didn’t object to the fact that welfare offices help register voters, but he questioned how far the state should go in trying to further ease the elections process. “Rather than babysitting people and spoon-feeding them, if they’re responsible enough to vote, then they’re responsible enough to figure out how to register and how to change their address,” he said. “And if they don’t know or they don’t care, maybe they shouldn’t be voting to begin with.”- With a similar offer in Anderson, Conservative Author Tom Hagedorn remembers last year when he had a book signing party to celebrate the release of “Founding Zealots.” Tom says, “Unfortunately, I didn’t have any shrimp, but the food was from Funky’s Catering and the beer and wine were cold and free (please don’t tell Anderson CFO Ken “Just One More Budweiser, Please” Dietz!).
- In Northern Kentucky, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says yesterday’s Limerick Contest Winner Floyd Schnitzelflogger from Florence, KY, likes Oktoberfest on Mainstrasse in Covington better, because at the one in Downtown Cincinnati this weekend, not as many girls will show you their Big Beautiful American breasts.
- FINALLY, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Charles Foster Kane why they celebrate “Oktoberfest” in September, and our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher said, “The only trouble with German food is, an hour later you’re hungry for power.”
REMEMBER: If you can’t improve on the news, you shouldn’t even be reporting it.
FLOYD SCHNITZELFLOGGER’S OKTOBERFEST HOT LINE
E-mail your oom pah pahs today.
Some German-American items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally German-American subscribers, but let’s face it, Schatzie, we could always use a lot more.
OKTOBERFEST VIDEOS OF THE DAY
Hitler’s Oktoberfest Downfall
PLUS
Top 10 Facts About Oktoberfest
Beer starts flowing at the Real Oktoberfest
Fritz the Oktoberfest-Zinzinnati Top Dog Chicken Dancer
Weiner dogs in Cincinnati go for the gold
(Sent in by Patrick Sheeran, Vice President, Corporate and Community Programming at the Downtown Council, hoping to become Mayor Cranley’s new “Fun Czar.”)
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
So how long have we been writing about Oktoberfest, anyway? Perhaps this will give you a clue.
“Krautfest” By James Jay Schifrin
Only in the Blue Chip City could Oktoberfest take place in the middle of September and nobody ask why.
Some people thought standing in line outside a Port-o-let was fun. But any similarity between last weekend’s commercial promotion and the legendary Oktoberfest celebration in Munich was purely ridiculous.
Only the acid indigestion was the same.
Of course, the news media loved the event.But some of the less-informed correspondents were a bit confused. Three tubs, a bass drum, and a bunch of geezers jumping around in Lederhosen do not exactly constitute a Viennese Waltz.
And despite inflated attendance estimates, downtown Cincinnati was now nearly as crowded as for the WEBN fireworks two weeks ago.
This time the only thing smoked was the sausage.
Down at Pete Rose Stadium, the Reds tried their best Saturday night, but they came out the wurst. A guy with a commemorative Oktoberfest beer bucket wore a “Kiss Me, Kraut Lips” button. For WWII veterans, the weekend brought back memories of offering chocolate and nylons to willing young frauleins on der Freiderickstrasse. At least in Cincinnati, they almost spoke English.
Fifth Street was jammed. People in sandals could feel the beer sloshing between their toes. You needed something to wash down all that semi-authentic German food.
It tastes good, but the trouble with German food is, an hour later you’re hungry again—for power. Which, of course, is better than eating Mexican food. There, an hour later, you wish you’d eaten German food.
But despite an criticism, the annual Oktoberfest exercise is good for one thing. It offers a chance for all the Irish to come downtown to drink Over-the-Rhine wine and get drunk. This makes up for the St, Patrick’s Day Parade, when all the Germans wear green ties and come downtown to drink anything they can get their hands on.
Truly, the City’s ethnic traditions have enriched us all.
This op-ed column first appeared in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols on September 18, 1985.
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