Thursday, December 5, 2013
It Was Only Supposed to Be A Joke
The Blower never should’ve published that funny-looking picture of Cincinnati’s Diminutive DemocRAT Mayor John Cranley with fake eyebrows in Tuesday’s E-dition. Because that little joke seems to have already gotten way out of hand.
Just look at the picture (on the left) in Tuesday’s Columbus Dispatch. Down at The Fishwrap, Metro Mole says it won’t be long before The Fishwrap threatens to paint some really gay-looking eyebrows on Cranley’s face if he continues to try to ruin Dainty DemocRAT Mark Mallory’s legacy and kill The Fishwrap’s precious Trolley Folly.
Award-Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception says he didn’t paint the funny eyebrows on Cranley’s face. Photo Shop Editorial Spoofer Edward Cropper says he only ridicules national politicians. It must’ve been one of The Whistleblower Interns. Those little scamps. You can’t leave them alone for a minute.
YESTERDAY AT CINCINNATI CITY HALL, everybody was wondering if they’d be lowering the flag to half staff to mourn the Death of the Streetcar Named Deception, especially after Channel 9 “Substantially True” News reported Tuesday night that the Secret Streetcar Memo did in fact reveal the City’s legal department had known for over two years that Cincinnati over-taxed taxpayers will be on the hook for the entire cost of Streetcar utility relocation.
And did you see where Diminutive DemocRAT Mayor John Cranley announced a one-week delay in considering Parks Director Willie Carden, Jr. for city manager whom The Fishwrap still claimed “has respect of … everyone in the city” for making the Cincinnati Parks run on time.
Cranley’s announcement came after a Fishwrap Followup of an item in The Blower about Carden’s Colerain Township residency and only a year after The Blower reported Willie had received an annual $20,000 “salary enhancement” from the private Parks Foundation on top of his lavish yearly $138,170 city wage, and people were wondering what other “perks” Carden was pulling down to fatten his bank account.
Meanwhile, P.G. Sitt-n Spin says things haven’t been going so well since he kicked off his 2017 campaign for Mayor with a trolley folly flip-flop last week. Our Belligeriennt Black Blogger Nate “Rhymes with Hate” Livingston says that was almost as big a screw-up as when Ohio DemocRAT Gubernatorial Candidate hand-picked Deadbeat DemocRAT Eric Kearney as his running mate. Now P.G.’s chances are practically nil of being the 138th nominee for this year’s “2013 Defender of Liberty Award” to be given out at the COAST Christmas Party by that cockamamie “One Percent for Liberty” Group.
CH SNITCH AT 1000 MAIN STREET says everybody can’t stop snickering at Feckless Fishwrapper Perry KimBall’s hideous video report of Hamilton County Demo-Labor Party Boss Tim Burka trying to keep a straight face while he claimed investigating Republican Hamilton County Prosecutor “JayWalking Joe” Deters’ voting record was “not political.” [WATCH IT HERE]- CRIMEBUSTERS: Reading Police were called about a frequent drug dealer openly selling drugs on Maple Drive, near the East Columbia Street intersection. But did they send anyone out to investigate? No. Have the scheduled frequent patrols now in the area to try and catch the drug dealer? Not that anyone has seen. In fact, the person on the phone at the Reading Police department was very indifferent to the caller making the complaint. It gave the citizen the impression that the Reading Police Department was not all that concerned about drug dealers operating in residential neighborhoods.
Business must be really good for the dealer because auto traffic has increased quite a bit on this formerly quiet residential street. Maybe our new Sheriff might take an interest in arresting the dealer and stopping the criminal activity since he has authority anywhere in the county.
And does anybody remember that silly sign on the trail in Burnett Woods that says “Trees Along Trails May Be Hazardous.” Maybe this is the first fatality.
- HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says Prohibition ended on this date in 1933, but it would not be the last stupid idea from Congress for people to do away with. And if you think they celebrated on that day, just think how over-taxed payers will celebrate when Congress votes to do away with ObamaCare and Cincinnati City Clown-cil votes to kill the Trolley Folly.
Hurley also says tomorrow is the 72nd Anniversary of the Japanese Attack on Pearl Harbor. Let’s see if we have this straight. If Japan lost WWII because they attacked Pearl Harbor and got the A bomb in return, then why are all those Americans driving Toyotas?
- NO WONDER OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose Al Capone’s “Prohibition has made nothing but trouble” and Will Rogers’ “Prohibition is better than no liquor at all.”
- OUR LATE NIGHT JOKEWATCHER liked Jimmy Fallon’s, “Obama and other DemocRATS have even stopped using the term ‘ObamaCare,’ when referring to the new healthcare law. Yeah, now they’re calling it ‘The Affordable Care Act.’ Americans were like, ‘Just let us know when you can call it ‘fixed.'”
TODAY, THE WHISTLEBLOWER REPERTORY GROUP proudly presents the Whistleblower Snowball Fight Video, where Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane and Newt are teamed up against Alex T. and the local RINOs. [WATCH IT HERE]
TYPICAL OBAMA SUPPORTERS: Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing Obama Supporters Tom and Rose were paying no attention to the latest Gallup Poll showing Obama’s approval had fallen below 40% for the first time ever, and spent all afternoon on Cyber-Monday trying to decide which Obama Christmas Ornaments to order online from Obama’s Legacy Campaign Office at the White House.- MINORITY REPORT: What’s Kwanzaa Klaus bringing you this year? A healthy dose of political correctness for a totally fabricated holiday.
HANUKKAH JOKE: Tonight is the Eighth night of Hanukkah and Sadie went to the post office to buy stamps for her Hanukkah cards and she asked the cashier for 50 Hanukkah stamps. What denomination?” replied the cashier. “Please give me six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform,” Sadie said.- TRAVEL ADVISORY: If you’re still having trouble finding where Ohio’s Second District Congressman “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup will be turning on those Amazing Amish Christmas Tree Lights in Adams County on Saturday, you might check with the Adams County Travel and Visitors Bureau, located west of West Union.
- IN CLERMONT COUNTY: It’s time for the Crony Chorus to sing the Second Day of “Mean Jean Schmidt’s” Twelve Days of Christmas,” sent in by “Mean Jean’s” Eviler Twin Sister Jennifer Black, after “Mean Jean” was again featured on MTV’s “Awesomely Bad Celebrity Fashions.” It goes something like this:
“On the Second Day of Christmas, ‘Mean Jean’ gave to me,
Two Red Dresses,
And one old Crapper, from Rob Portman’s Legacy.”
Let’s all learn the words so we can sing them at “Mean Jean’s” upcoming Annual Holiday Party later this month.
- UNTIL THEN, here’s an update on that Company Christmas Party you’ve been reading about in The Blower:
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 5
RE: Holiday Party
So December 21 marks the Winter Solstice… what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage by our “earth-based Goddess-worshiping” employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Okay?
Patty
TODAY’S UNITED APPALL PERSON is diner waitress Emily Frump, who stops in several times a day at the Carolyn Washburn Drop-Inn Center for Extremely Unattractive Nymphomaniacs, another one of the seemingly endless United Appall Agencies serving some of the area’s more unfortunate citizens. Emily hopes the United Appall meets its fund-raising goal next week so she can continue to meet lonely men and satisfy their insatiable sexual cravings. “I just want to be loved,” says Emily. “Is there anything wrong with that?”- IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY: The latest and greatest e-dition of Our Good Friend Kenton County Commonwealth’s Attorney E Rob Sanders thankful e-newsletter is on cyber news stands now. Last week’s This Week In Kenton Circuit Court wasn’t technically a Thanksgiving edition but there were still plenty of turkeys! Check out the Robster’s e-rag to see who had their Thanksgiving dinner at Che Bastille with Smiling Jailer Terry Carl.
Now everybody’s checking his Kentucky Calendar for Thursday, December 19, the date scheduled for The Robster’s 7th Annual Christmas Party, hoping none of these people will be invited.
Also, Druids are looking forward to December 21 to celebrate the Winter Solstice, when Cougars in Fort Mitchell will be on the prowl for young boys to celebrate World Orgasm Day.
FINALLY, AT TODAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA: Political Insiders are wondering why Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane has yet to return from Graydon Head’s Annual “Holiday Reception” at the Fort Mitchell Country Club. One particularly observant Blower reader thought he saw cocktail sauce on Kane’s trademark Whistleblower tie. “That’s right,” Kane admitted. “It’s one of the hazards of eating all that free shrimp.”
And was Graydon Head able to make Jews feel welcome in Northern Kentucky without Rick “The Batboy” Robinson’s ecumenical efforts? We’ll have to see if Kane is invited back to next year’s holiday party.
Tonight we’ll see how welcome Kane’s classmates make him feel at the Anderson High School’s Class of ‘56 Survivors Dinner at Red Lobster. Do you think he’ll need a nametag?
THE SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL
This Week’s Seediest Kid of All is “Gex” Wanker, a bright little 9-year-old Bluegrass boy at Ridgerunner Elementary School, whose cruel classmates taunted him mercilessly, not just because he was years older than the other kindergartners, but because his name “Gex” rhymed with “Sex.”
So the Seediest Kids of All (not associated with the Failed United Way) asked Gex’s parents to choose a more appropriate name to enhance the boy’s self esteem and got their permission to have his name changed legally. They got a prominent Northern Kentucky attorney (not Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters) to go to the courthouse and ask the judge for a paper to take to school so everyone would know his name had been officially changed. “Gex’s” cruel classmates still taunt him mercilessly, even more than before his parents officially changed his name to “Shithead.”
The Wanker family called to express their gratitude for all our help, but it’s really you they have to thank, since it’s your liberal guilt giving throughout the year which makes it all possible.
Rick “the Bat Boy” Robinson says today’s “Seediest Kid of All” is his all-time favorite. Can you figure out why?
SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL HOT LINE
e-mail your stories about worthy waifs today.
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Today’s edition is brought to you by a generous “in-kind” donation during our November fund-raising drive by the Fort Mitchell Country Club, where they say they’ve never seen so many Jews in Kentucky before.
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