One of the best parts about publishing The Whistleblower Newswire is checking our e-mail first thing each morning to see some of those politically insightful items we’ve received from our equally politically insightful subscribers. Our readers’ comments are extremely helpful for our analysis and interpretation of today’s important top stories.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Happy Chick-Fil-A Day Anyway, Everybody!
Harry Homophobe says it’s hard to believe it’s been a whole year since Obama devolved down to pander to homosexual donors on the issue of same-sex marriage, while Disingenuous DemocRATS were giving same-sex marriage their stamp of approval at the DNC’s Convention in Charlotte, and Gay-Loving Liberal Big City Mayors seeking publicity on the 24-hour news channels like Chicago’s Rahm Emanuel, Boston’s Tom Menino, and San Francisco’s Mayor Edwin Lee, said Chick-Fil- A restaurants would not be welcome in their cities, just because Chick-Fil-A president Dan Cathy had stated his support for “traditional marriage.”
That’s because when the Chick-Fil-A CEO was asked if he held the same view of marriage Obama had recently held, he answered “guilty as charged.”
A year ago in Cincinnati, everybody was wondering why The Fishwrap wasn’t demanding Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory call his Extreme Liberal Clown-cil back into session to throw a hissy fit for the TV cameras and pass a resolution banning Chick-Fil-A from hiring unemployed people to work at their restaurants within the city limits, like Chick-Fil-A locations in Anderson, Eastgate, Florence, Springdale, Tri-County, Deerfield Crossing, and West Chester, along with locations in Florence and the Airport in Northern Kentucky. The only Chick-Fil-A restaurants that actually appear to be within Cincinnati’s city limits appear to be the ones at UC, Kenwood Town Centre, and Western Hills. [SEE YOUR CHICK-FIL-A- LOCATOR HERE]
OBAMA’S NOT-SO-GRAND BARGAIN: When Obama hopped on Air Force One and traveled to Tennessee at over-taxed payers expense for just another campaign speech to promote his big spending plan, one newspaper told Obama to “Take Your Jobs Plan and Shove It.” Obviously, it was not any of those Feckless Fishwrappers. How good was that blistering editorial in the Time Free Press? The Blower damn well wishes we’d written it, and if not for the internet, we would’ve claimed we did.
President Obama,
Welcome to Chattanooga, one of hundreds of cities throughout this great nation struggling to succeed in spite of your foolish policies that limit job creation, stifle economic growth and suffocate the entrepreneurial spirit.
Forgive us if you are not greeted with the same level of Southern hospitality that our area usually bestows on its distinguished guests. You see, we understand you are in town to share your umpteenth different job creation plan during your time in office. If it works as well as your other job creation programs, then thanks, but no thanks. We’d prefer you keep it to yourself.
That’s because your jobs creation plans so far have included a ridiculous government spending spree and punitive tax increase on job creators that were passed, as well as a minimum wage increase that, thankfully, was not. Economists — and regular folks with a basic understanding of math — understand that these are three of the most damaging policies imaginable when a country is mired in unemployment and starving for job growth.
ACCORDING TO BUZZFEED: Dixon Diaz, head writer at the popular Facebook page LIBTARDS, breaks the news that actor Nick Nolte has been tapped to play Hillary Clinton in the upcoming CNN-NBC feature length movie about the presumptive 2016 DemocRAT presidential candidate. Nolte’s “remarkable resemblance” to the former First Lady was cited by insiders as the reason.
THIS JUST LEAKED: According to Radar Online, a sex tape that Monica Lewinsky recorded for Bill Clinton at the height of their scandalous affair has leaked, during which the former White House intern is heard planning a secret sexual rendezvous with the president and declaring she is “too cute and adorable” to be ignored. On the audio tape obtained by The National Enquirer, Lewinsky at one point tries to seduce the commander in chief: “I could take my clothes off and start… well… I know you wouldn’t enjoy that? I hope to see you later and I hope you will follow my script and do what I want.” Now The Blower wants to know what overweight slut will be playing the part of Monica in the upcoming CNN-NBC feature length movie. All of this is surely going to put a stop to all those unfair comparisons between the Weiners and the Clintons. 
MAYORAL MADNESS: When Queen Nobel received her e-mail from Jason Kershner at the Cincinnati USA Regional Chamber announcing his organization would be honored to invite the two winners on the $400,000 September 10 primary to debate, the Cincinnati Mayoral Candidate replied: “Fuck you man. Let the two motherfuckers burn. Queen Noble is being robbed of the elections thanks to motherfuckers such as yourself seeing the future and shit. The fuck you mean debate after the election robbing primary. It’s a rip off for the incumbents in itself. Dirty motherfuckers are backed by dirty motherfuckers cheating the public out the best candidates so fuck you and the primary election. Queen Noble will debate now, asshole.”
That’s why yesterday The Blower again suggested that Looney Libertarian Jim Berns should withdraw from the race in protest and try talk that other dimwit into dropping out of the race along with him to make a Noble Gesture and save Cincinnati overtaxed payers the $400,000 on the meaningless September 10 Primary (preceding the even more meaningless mayoral election between two tax-and-spend DemocRATS. At least Berns would get credit for saving over-taxed payers more money than Disguised DemocRAT John Cranley and Extremely Liberal DemocRAT Foxy Roxy Qualls could ever hope to achieve during their combined lifetimes. On second thought, where else is the public going to hear such an intelligent discussion of the issues, if Queen Nobel gets out of the race?
ALL IN THE FAMILY: When Curt Hartman went on WLW Hate Radio Trash Talker Bill Cunningham’s show on Wednesday to explain his Ohio Supreme Court appeal to stop the City of Cincinnati’s Parking Plot, did the COAST attorney ask Willie if he thought the Court of Appeals got it right, or that they completely screwed it up, because one of the judges on the Court of Appeals who ruled against the referendum just happens to be Mrs. Bill Cunningham aka Penny Cunningham).
IN ANDERSON: Both readers of The Forest Hills Urinal say The Blower still appears to have the exclusive coverage of Andy Pappas and Josh Gerth, those two new GOP and TEA Party endorsed Trustees who’ll be helping “In Russ We Trust” Jackson run the Township next year. Meanwhile, Disgraced Masturbating Dis-Trustee Kevin “Spanky” O’Brien wants to know if those hairy-legged ugly women from the League of Women Vipers will be inviting him to take part in their campaign forum in September.
IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY: Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo asked, “Are there really only two Chick-Fil-A locations in Northern Kentucky, on Houston Road in Florence and at the Airport?” Whistleblower Alternate Life-Styles Contributors Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis, said “Same sex marriages are still being performed every night in Devou Park.” Northern Kentucky TEA Partiers remind us, “Sarah Palin likes Chick-Fil-A.” Gay Students at NKU say, “We wish we had a Chick-Fil-A restaurant on campus so we could boycott it.” Horny in Hebron drooled, “I like watching Lesbians getting in on.” At Channel 19 News, Trish the Dish says, “The chicken tasted better before I knew it was basted in hate and homophobia.” And at TV 5, Sheree Paolello said, “The Waffle Potato Fries at Chick-Fil-A are really delicious.”- FINALLY, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders enjoying Chick Fil-A Chargrilled Chicken Club Sandwiches asked Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane if it was bad business for a CEO to voice a political stance of any kind, because you’ll always be sure to piss some people off. “But when you ask a Christian owner of a restaurant chain that isn’t open on Sunday what he thinks about gay marriage, you shouldn’t be surprised and outraged when you don’t like his answer, unless, of course, you’re a Liberal,” Kane said. Then our good friend Bobby Leach said, “I hope you don’t choke on a Chick-Fil-A sandwich and the only person who knows CPR turns out to be gay.”
Some of Today’s Conservative Political Cartoons
More Proud Sponsors and Avid Fans
Sometimes The Blower makes fun of political boycotts to show that trying to ruin somebody’s business is not acceptable in our society. This should be clear to anybody who has figured out that political boycotts just don’t work.
This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental, especially people who publicly join a boycott just for the publicity.
LIBERAL TOLERANCE HOT LINE
Some gay bashing items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally gay-bashing subscribers, but we could always use more.
Whistleblower Links of the Day
Kermit The Frog Boycotts Chick-Fil-A
Plus
New Chick-fil-A song by Tim Hawkins
Chaz The Intolerant Chick-fil-A Chicken – CONAN on TBS
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