Saturday, June 29, 2013

Happy Gay Pride Day, Everybody!

AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about the confusion in the news media about which event to cover this weekend — the Gay Pride Parade in Downtown Cincinnati or that hillbilly Quaker State 400 Race in Northern Kentucky. Maybe they should’ve combined the two events.”

“If you think that’s confusing,” Kane explained, “think about what would happen if some of the participants showed up at the wrong event. Some drivers would be racing some really colorful cars in Kentucky and Cincinnati’s Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory would be there to throw out the first pitch, and in Downtown Cincinnati Tony Stewart driving the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile (scheduled to appear at the Newport Kroger superstore on Saturday) would cover the gay pride parade route in less than two seconds.”

Wednesday was Gay Day in Washington and the Supreme Court of these United States finally agreed with Rob “Fighting for Fancy Boys” Portman that same sex-marriage was really OK even if your son isn’t gay.
SCOTUS ruled the Defense of Marriage Act was unconstitutional, striking down the denial of federal benefits to same sex-couples in states where same-sex marriage is recognized (Connecticut, Delaware, Iowa, Maine, Maryland,Massachusetts, Minnesota, New Hampshire, New York, Rhode Island, Vermont, Washington, and California —as well as the District of Columbia and five Native American tribes), and dismissed the appeal calling for the reinstatement of California’s Proposition 8 banning gay marriage so that same-sex marriage will now be legal in that state. Our First Gay President Obama called the California plaintiffs “Fabulous” and immediately began fund-raising off the Supreme Court’s DOMA and Prop 8 rulings, and The Onion began advertising “Marriage is Totally Gay” T-Shirts. No wonder a new Fox Poll says 82% of Americans say our Founding Fathers would disapprove of how things are going in Washington today, I guess they wouldn’t be too keen on websites like gay fuck tube then either. Do elections have consequences or what?
At the Pentagon, Whistleblower Senior National Political Affairs Analyst Britt Humus says Obama has already turned the military into a “Totally Gay Army,” saying foes of Homosexuality are still holding fast to “Worn Arguments and Old Attitudes.” In the warped world of Obama, “Sin is a worn argument.” Meanwhile, Disgraced Former Ohio Gayvenor Strickland and Cincinnati’s Girly Man Mayor Mark Mallory plan to march with soldiers in today’s Gay Pride Parade on the Gay White Way in Downtown Cincinnati, waving signs that say, “Never Leave Your Buddy’s Behind.”

How gay will it be? You’ll see more tormented queens in Downtown Cincinnati than in the Tower of London, and that Supreme Court Justice Elena Gaygan lookalike contest should be a lot of fun too.

Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose Karen Ripley’s: “I can’t help looking gay. I put on a dress and people say, “Who’s the dyke in the dress?”

Comedian Laura Kightlinger says, “My favorite thing in a gay pride parade is the big, helium cartoon characters. There is something about seeing Bullwinkle’s ass in chaps. I revert right back to being a kid on gay pride morning.”

On the other hand, Comedian Norm MacDonald says, “A Gay Pride Parade is just a bunch of gay guys.”

And Warner Cable says you don’t have to wait for Gay Pride Day to watch Lesbian porn on Cinemax.

Meanwhile in Northern Kentucky, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says Northern Kentucky will be the center of the auto racing universe, when the Crazy Ass Cracker 400 is run at Kentucky Speedway. Talk about your economic impact! All those people! And what high class fans NASCAR attracts!
It’s a good thing our Gay Pride Celebration doesn’t take place a week earlier, to coincide with our annual Paddlefest, since so many people think the Gay Pride Parade is just Paddlefest without the kayaks, because that’s when Liberal Loonies try to sell us down the river one more time, but organizer Brewster Rhoads says his annual event is not to be confused with the annual Gay Paddlefest, where Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis like to give each other spankings at Sawyer Point. Not only that, our good friend Bobby Leach e-mailed us our Gay Paddlefest Joke: “What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? Fur traders.”
In other really gay news, Our Cross-Dressing Attorney remembers Deviant DemocRAT Hamilton County Commissioners Odd Todd Opportune’s and David A. Pepper’s Top-Secret “Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender Pride Day” Proclamation, which was included in that Gay Pride Salute back in 2008 from those homo-loving guys at Not the Fishwrap.
And now that Ghizzy Lizzy is finally as judge, maybe she won’t have to show up at this year’s Gay Day Parade.
And wait to you see Cincinnati’s acting Police Chief marching in the Gay Pride parade. They even made a new rainbow flag with the Cincinnati Police badge on it. The Cincinnati PD’s full-time liaison officer assigned to the gay groups obviously needed something to do.
How long has The Blower been covering Gay Pride News? We’re not sure, but if you check out the July 2, 1991 edition, you might see Bud Fugger’s Homosexual Hotline, which reported Mayor David Mann didn’t show up at the Gay Pride Parade, but instead, he sent over a proclamation changing the name to “Gay Tolerance.”
In Columbus, Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders says last week it was Gay Pride Week at the Ohio Capitol, but according to the Ohio Constitution, the state and its political subdivisions still recognize only a marriage between one man and one woman as a valid union.
And Hairy Homophobe Phil Burr-ass says, “Gay rights activists shouldn’t get their hopes up. Wednesday’s DOMA decision won’t bring gay marriage to Ohio, Kentucky, or Indiana,” if his Citizens for Community Values organization has anything to say about it.

We’re sure Burr-ass hateful remarks were discussed Friday night at Skyy Vodka’s Gay, Lesbian, Bi-sexual, and Transgender Pub Crawl sponsored by the Greater Cincinnati Gay Pride Chamber of Commerce? If you’re a gay guy, do you really think getting drunk and crawling around Mount Adams on all fours is the safest way to hook up for the night?

And the OKI Clean Air Committee says, “Come on down for clean air celebration with fireworks presented by the Gay Products Division at Procter and Gamble at Sawyer Point for Gay Pride Day,” it’s said that they’re going to be even more entertaining than your favourite gay porn hd page.
Meanwhile, the Illegal Aliens Association is filing suit to make sure the “Declaration of Gay Independence” is always translated into Spanish, and Moises, Julio, Alfredo, and Jose wonder whatever happened to the Amnesty-fest they were promised by the U.S. Senate , and it’s a good thing the ACLU is still letting us sing the “Star Spangled Banner” on Gay Pride Day.
Still unknown is whether That Defeated, Corrupt, Evicted, Lying, Plagiarizing, Meddling, Overblown, Bought-And-Paid-For, Tax-And-Spend, Wrinkle-Puss RINO Bitch-In-A-Ditch “Mean Jean” Schmidt will be marching with supporters of Gay Turkish Muslim Murderers in Anderson Township’s Fourth of July Gay Pride Parade.

— Whistleblower Official Weekly Disclaimer —

Sometimes The Blower ridicules gay bashers to show that intolerance of any kind is not acceptable in our society. This should be clear to anybody who isn’t a Hairy Homophobe.

This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental, especially Phil Burr-ass.

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Monthly Archives: June 2013

Official “Gay Day Parade” E-dition