Friday, April 12, 2013
Happy Tax Freedom Day in Ohio, Everybody!
In Columbus, Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders says Tax Freedom Day has finally arrived in Ohio, and everywhere you look, everybody’s ignoring it.
Republican Governor Kasich Taylor forgot to read a proclamation, acknowledging that this is the date our friends at the Tax Foundation say the average Ohio over-taxed payer has worked long enough to pay all of his federal, state, and local taxes for the year Tax Freedom Day for the entire country is April 18, so that make us a little better off than the rest of the country, and worse off than our over-taxed payers in Kentucky, where Tax Freedom Day was a week ago. All Over-Taxed Payers will spend an average of 29% of their incomes on federal, state, and local taxes in 2013. That’s more than the average family spends on food, clothing, and housing, and no wonder with all of your money the government steals for its “share.”
Ohio Republican Senator Rob Portman forgot to mention Tax Freedom Day too. He’s too busy sitting around waiting for reporters to call and ask if he still considers himself a Real Republican after he announced he’d abandoned his conservative principles to support same-sex marriage.
Ohio DemocRAT Senator Sherrod Brown thinks we don’t pay enough taxes, so if it were up to him, your Tax Freedom Day would be arriving sometime in December.
Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen says 63% think no new taxes are needed, and the other 37% are some of Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span voters who voted for Obama last November.
Voters make it quite clear that there’s no need for the federal government to raise taxes. They’d prefer more tax cuts instead but are much more closely divided on that question.
Hurley the Historian says FDR became a “Good DemocRAT” on this date in 1945. And that’s why your Quote for Today Committee chose FDR’s “Taxes shall be levied according to ability to pay. That is the only American principle.”
It would be a good day for local Conservative Members of Congress like Steve Chabothead, John Boehner, Kentucky’s Thomas Massie, or even “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup to make “Tax Freedom Day” statements, if only any of them could find the time. It would even be a good day for local Tea Partiers to rally on Fountain Square.
In Cincinnati, Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory could give his Annual “State of the Taxes” Speech to report how many more millions of over-taxed payers’ dollars the City had wasted on his Trolley Folly and announcing this year’s percentage of the City’s Income Tax actually paid by Soreheads in the Suburbs who don’t get to vote in City elections. In the Official Republican Response, our Blue-faced Hamilton County RINO Party Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP picked Hamilton County Commissioner Me, Greg Hartmann, who’s the only one mentioned as a possibility for “Old Blueface’s” Republican candidate for Mayor.
And with only 25 more days until the Forest Gump School District’s stealth tax hike election on May 7, apologists at the Forest Hills Urinal are certainly keeping all the reasons not to vote for it a big secret.
Meanwhile, at Mediocre American Ball Park, it’s not even been a dozen days since Opening Day and Typical Reds Rooter Farley Fairweather was wondering how much tax Joey Votto would be paying for the games he’s played so far this year, since the Reds’ overpaid First Baseman has already earned the first $1 million of his 2013 salary.
Stories We’re Working On
-
North Korea still hasn’t attacked - Iran claims it built world first Time Machine
- GOP caves on Senate Gun Control Filibuster
- Feds to collect record taxes in 2013
- Who illegally bugged Bitch McConnell’s Campaign Office
- More Voter Fraud in Hamilton County
- How that guy stuck his genitals out of his car window and masturbated at 90 miles-per-hour
Whistleblower Web Poll
This week, here’s what the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said will be the most creative deduction on their tax forms:
(A) Mortgage interest on foreclosed houses: 2%
(B) Cable bills as “media research”: 1%
(C) Claiming your dog as a dependent, because he’s just like one of the family: 1%
(D) Viagra: 96%
Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!
Taxed to the Max
This week, everybody who thinks the tax code would be a lot simpler if over-paid Congressmen were forced to fill out every one of their constituents’ tax forms for free, e-mailed his entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
The winner is noted anti-taxer Scofflaw Tadwell, who says, “Why should you send your hard-earned money to the government, they’ll only spend it.” Scofflaw wins a handy list of 1,001 sure-fire deductions the IRS never disputes, a box of bogus receipts for charitable contributions, and the name of a good tax attorney, in case the first and second prizes don’t work. His winning limerick is:
The Best Part About Paying Your Taxes
Is getting Big Brother off our backses.
But dumbass liberals always want to pay more
To the welfare state they so mindlessly adore.
Since the country is being run by quackses!
The best part about paying your taxes
Is the disappearance of paperwork stackses.
But if you think that Big Brother’s confiscation
Is going to take an overdue vacation
Then you must be smoking some serious crackses.
The best part about paying your taxes
Is getting Big Brother off our backses.
But Obama the Kenyan-born Lefty
Has an appetite insatiably hefty –
So hide your remaining cash and cover your trackses!
The best part about paying your taxes,
From what we can assume from your faxes,
Is that it would really be great,
To have one low flat rate,
With simple forms so we can all relaxes.
The best part about paying your taxes
(After they steal even your slacks) is
You can appeal what they say
But you won’t get your way
Regardless of what the facts is.
Now for some dishonorable mentions
The best part about paying your taxes
Is how creative your accountant waxes.
He’ll itemize your deductions
With such inventive reductions
That he’ll shrink your tax bill to the maxes.
The best part about paying your taxes
Is that it pays for the government’s praxis*
But you better remember
Since Obama won in November
Your money now belongs to the Barrackses!
The best part about paying your taxes,
It buys saunas and bikini waxes.
Not for you, of course;
You still work like a horse
But Barack goes to a spa and relaxes!
And from the Anderson Laureate (who’s still working on his taxes):
The best part of paying your taxes
They’ll be well-spent, that’s what the facts is
The President can afford a vacation
And the Cabinet will each have a libation
And Congress can buy themselves bikini waxes
The best part about paying your taxes
Is that Michelle can now pay for bikini waxes
But for God’s sake, don’t look
Your eyeballs will cook
And the world will stop spinning on its axis.
The best part about paying your taxes
It that the hold on your wallet relaxes.
The government’s all thieves
No matter what Obama believes
And that’s just the truth about what the facts is.
Now here’s one from Robin in Ludlow where the last line doesn’t quite rhyme, but the sentiments are so endearing:
The Best Part About Paying Your Taxes
Is demonstrating just what the fact is
We work hard for our money
But that Bi-Racial Dummy
Will endlessly piss it away!
The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“Do the rich really want to pay more?”
TURBO-TAXED PAYERS HOT LINE
E-mail your tax cheating tips today
Some non-deductible items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally non-deductible subscribers.
OVER-TAXED PAYERS LINKS OF THE DAY
Liberal Taxes Explained
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here
