Thursday, April 11, 2013

No Obama Budget Has Ever Gotten a Single Vote

OBAMA’S JOKE BUDGET: Obama finally delivered his so-called Budget that was due in February and just like The Blower predicted, it was dead on arrival, like most of the other stupid suggestions we’ve been hearing from the White House since he was reelected. So what’s not to like about Obama’s $3.77 Trillion spending plan? It has tax hikes, it’s 2,000 pages long, has lots of new debt for your great grandchildren, and of course it doesn’t balance.

Daily Events calls Obama’s new budget a mixture of accounting tricks, dubious projections, “cuts” that amount to spending a bit less than he really wanted to, and of course plenty of tax hikes. Every bad tax-raising idea from the past few years is included. Obama’s 2014 budget is a Wayback Machine to the early days of the “fiscal cliff” drama – he’s making the same demands that were rejected back then.

No wonder Jon Stewart reported how Obama’s budget proposal has brought Republicans and DemocRATS together in shared dislike. We have 1,380 more days of this, folks, thanks to all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span voters who voted for Obama last November. [SEE THAT VIDEO HERE]

The only good news hereabouts is that tomorrow is Tax Freedom Day in Ohio, when the average over-taxed payer has worked long enough to pay all of his federal, state, and local taxes for the year.

That’s why last Friday’s Limerick Contest was won by noted CPA Irving Foongman, the constipated public accountant from Florence who always gets so backed up this time of year, he has to work it out with a pencil. His winning limerick was:

The best part about Tax Freedom Day Is that finally, I get a say About where all the money I earned for me and my Honey Is going to be spent today The best part about Tax Freedom Day

RIGHT WING GUN NUTS: And isn’t this the week we’re supposed to be seeing all those fireworks in the U.S. Senate over gun control? Here’s what Paul R. Beane had to say on KFYO 790 radio in Lubbock, Texas:

Good afternoon, I’m Paul R. Beane and I’m your “Right Wing Gun Nut.” You know me and fellow gun owners are responsible for all the carnage in our streets and our schools. Never mind that, Ted Kennedy’s car has killed more people than my entire collection of firearms, most of which I have owned since childhood when I saved my pennies and nickels in order to purchase them, and each and every one is in perfect working order. It is the responsible gun owners of today that are being blamed for all the shootings. Obama calls us the “right wing gun nuts,” clinging to our guns and to our religion.

But let’s take a little closer look: The Fort Hood shooter was a Muslim, and a registered DemocRAT.

The Virginia Tech shooter wrote hate mail to George Bush and his staff and was a registered DemocRAT.

The Aurora, Colorado shooter was a staff worker on the Obama campaign and took part in Occupy Wall Street. He was a progressive liberal and guess what? He was registered DemocRAT.

The Newtown, Connecticut shooter hated Christians and was a registered DemocRAT.

The Columbine high school shooters were too young to vote, but both of their families were progressive liberals and registered DemocRATS.

And one more thing: not a single one of these killers were members of the National Rifle Association. So I have got it figured out how to make this country much safer; leave the guns alone and lockup all the DemocRATS.

I’m Paul R. Beane and that’s the way I see it!

NOTE: According to the FBI, there have been 32 background checks for gun purchases every minute of Obama’s presidency (70,291,049 background checks divided by the 2,188,800 minutes Obama’s been in office until March 31, 2013). Is Obama not the greatest gun salesman or what?

THE CINCINNATI MESS (You’ll only read about in The Blower): Did Cincinnati City Solicitor John Curp really file a humongous motion asking Hamilton County Common Pleas Judge Robert Winkler to admit he was wrong when he ruled against the City, in favor of those people who claimed to be residents and signed petitions to make sure they had a chance to vote on Clowncil’s Parking Plot? And you thought April Fool’s Day was last week. The last time a lawyer told Judge Winkler he was wrong, he spent the next two weeks in the hoosegow.

Yesterday, a person of Consequence we’ll call “Ron” said regardless of your position on who runs the parking situation, if some outfit is willing to pay big bucks for it, they must be expecting to make a profit. So why can’t the City run the parking and rake in the profits themselves?”

Today, our Conservative Curmudgeon explains: Because all government workers and politicians have a genetic defect, they are incapable of understanding “profit” (except, of course, when they’re looking for Microsoft, Google, GE, P&G, Citibank, and similar members of the Crony Capitalism crowd to “fund” their Marxist agendas).

FROM A FISHWRAP SUBSCRIBER: What a day! First thing I get is an e-mail from the 40-percent-more-expensive Fishwrap telling me that my paper’s going to be late, attempting to drive me to their website. Soooo…I click on their website and their website is down. On top of that, so are most of my overly-expensive Cincinnati Bell Fioptics cable news channels. Is this the final sign of the Apocalypse?
LETTING IT ALL HANG OUT: A local prosecutor who talked his way out of a speeding ticket Tuesday morning said things could’ve been worse, when he showed us the story about that former Tennessee city official accused of committing lewd acts while driving at high speeds. Witnesses say he put his genitals out of the window and masturbated while driving at high rates of speed. [READ MORE HERE]

Disgraced Anderson Trustee Kevin “Big Spanky” O’Brien says when he masturbates in front of women, at least he does it inside the car. The Blower hasn’t heard anything quite like this since the time we reported The Windbag being blown all over the road, if you know what we mean.

In a related item, Hamilton County Sheriff Jim Neil’s Chief Deputy Mark Schoonover says beginning April 15, the Hamilton County Sheriff’s Office will no longer issue claim tags at security checkpoints, or temporarily hold and return any type of weapon such as knives, mace, or any other contraband that could be used as a weapon. These items will be confiscated and destroyed, if carried into any Hamilton County Facility. The Blower says that makes sense. Other than law enforcement, who the hell should be walking in with a weapon?

HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this day in 1814, Napoleon Bonaparte was banished to the Mediterranean island of Elba. Napoleon’s exile lasted only nine months, a considerably shorter period than our Alex T. Mall Cop GOP has been wandering in the wilderness after presiding over the “Bluing of Hamilton County” in 2008. Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose Napoleon’s, “Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.”
IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY: A balding, white haired man from Boondoggle County walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”

The jeweler went to his special stock and brought over another ring. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, “by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.”

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, “There’s no money in that account.”

“I know,” said the old man, “But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!”

See, not all seniors are senile!

FINALLY, AFTER LAST NIGHT’S SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT, Political Insiders were asking Charles Foster Kane what he thought about those daily informative e-mails from The FishWrap detailing some of their top stories. “First thing, we try to find an item that hasn’t already been in The Blower,” our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher explained. “Then we check to see how long their items stay on the list. Isn’t it a little late to readers what they think about Margaret Thatcher?”

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